Regulation, Expression, and Communication: The Most Priceless Gifts You Can Give to Your Children as Parents (Part 1)
by Jumh Tantri
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
Regulation, Expression, and Communication: The Most Priceless Gifts You Can Give to Your Children as Parents (Part 1)
In the past, parenting meant survival — food, shelter, discipline. But today, emotional regulation, healthy expression, and open communication are the true gifts every child needs. Discover how to nurture your child’s emotional intelligence and transform your relationship from control to connection with Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Jumh Tantri.
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Children who can name and manage emotions handle stress better, solve problems calmly, and build healthy relationships. It’s a key predictor of mental well-being and success in life.
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Model openness. Label emotions aloud (“I feel sad today”) and encourage kids to share theirs. Offer safe outlets — talking, art, journaling, or play. Normalize emotions, don’t judge them.
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Suppressed emotions often resurface as anger, anxiety, or withdrawal. Over time, this leads to poor coping skills, relationship issues, and mental health struggles.
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Parents who practice self-compassion model healthy boundaries and emotional awareness. This teaches children that self-respect and empathy go hand in hand.
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Counseling helps parents gain insight into family dynamics, communication blocks, and emotional patterns. With a psychologist’s support, you’ll build practical tools to foster connection and understanding.
From Survival to Emotional Intelligence: A New Era of Parenting
Parenting has evolved dramatically over the generations. In earlier times, the focus was primarily on survival—ensuring that there was enough food on the table and a safe roof over one’s head. The very basic necessities of life dominated the day-to-day concerns. During such periods, emotions and emotional regulation were often dismissed or even seen as a luxury that could be ignored. In many cultures, especially in Asia, emotional expression was viewed as weak, unnecessary, or even shameful. However, as the world has become more prosperous and stable, we have shifted towards understanding the importance of emotional health. Today, emotional regulation, expression, and effective communication of your needs are some of the most valuable gifts we can give our children.
The Legacy of Emotional Suppression
For many generations, particularly in survival-driven times, emotions were perceived as distractions, not as important as the practical necessities of life. In a world where securing food and shelter were paramount, the concept of emotion felt somewhat alien. Parents, focused on survival, may not have had the bandwidth or tools to address the emotional well-being of their children. Instead of teaching children how to understand and regulate their emotions, society taught them how to suppress them.
In many Asian cultures, this emotional suppression reached its peak. Children were often taught that certain emotions, especially anger, were shameful and should be hidden. Public displays of frustration or sadness were frowned upon. A child crying in public was often reprimanded for causing a “nuisance,” while anger was equated with a lack of self-control, something to be ashamed of. Anxiety, instead of being addressed with compassion and understanding, was often dismissed as a weakness that needed to be corrected by simply "modifying your thoughts."
This conditioning has, unfortunately, led to generations of people who are unable to regulate or even properly understand their emotions. The inability to process emotions like anger, shame, or fear can create a range of issues, from emotional reactivity to unhealthy coping mechanisms. One of the most damaging consequences of this emotional suppression is the inability to manage the feeling of shame—a paralyzing emotion that often leads to emotional withdrawal and distance from others.
Why Emotional Regulation Is the Ultimate Life Skill
In contrast, today’s world is different. We no longer face the same daily struggles for survival. While there are still challenges, many of us are fortunate to live in a time where emotional well-being can be prioritized. In this context, emotional regulation has become more relevant than ever.
Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s emotional state in healthy ways. It's not about suppressing emotions, but about responding to them in a way that allows for growth and connection. Emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, and even shame are not inherently bad; in fact, they all serve important functions in our emotional landscape. The challenge is not to eliminate these emotions but to balance them and ensure they are channeled constructively.
For parents, teaching children how to regulate their emotions is one of the most valuable gifts you can offer. Children who learn to recognize and manage their emotions develop greater resilience and better problem-solving skills. They are more likely to form healthy relationships and make better decisions in life.
Communication — The Foundation of Every Healthy Relationship
Alongside emotional regulation, communication is a critical skill that must be cultivated in children. Healthy communication is the foundation of all successful relationships—whether between parents, spouses, or friends. Without the ability to express oneself effectively, misunderstandings can arise, leading to unnecessary conflict and emotional distress.
Parents play a significant role in teaching children how to communicate. This involves not only teaching them to express their feelings but also how to do so respectfully and responsibly. Encouraging children to voice their needs and concerns is essential. However, teaching them to do so without blaming others, or engaging in self-victimization, is equally important.
For example, instead of saying “You make me angry,” a child should be taught to express, “I feel angry when this happens.” This shifts the focus from blaming others to owning their feelings, fostering a healthier dynamic where both parties are heard and understood. In this way, communication becomes a tool for connection rather than conflict.
The Parent-Child Subsystem and the Importance of Self-Love
In any family dynamic, the parent-child subsystem is crucial. The relationship between parents and children sets the tone for how emotional regulation and communication will unfold. One of the most important things parents can do is model healthy emotional expression and regulation. Children learn by observing their parents. If parents suppress their own emotions or fail to communicate effectively, children are likely to mirror these behaviors.
One critical concept here is self-love. In order to teach children how to love and respect others, parents must first model this behavior by loving and respecting themselves. Self-love is not about being narcissistic; rather, it involves accepting oneself, acknowledging one’s emotions, and prioritizing emotional well-being. Parents who practice self-compassion and emotional regulation create an environment where children feel safe to explore their own emotions without judgment or shame.
This also extends to relationships between spouses or partners. Healthy communication and emotional regulation between parents are essential for creating a stable environment for children. Children pick up on the emotional dynamics in the household, so when parents engage in respectful communication and show emotional intelligence, they are teaching their children by example. Conversely, dysfunctional communication or unresolved emotional conflicts between parents can create confusion and insecurity for children.
The Dangers of Assumptions in Communication
One of the most damaging pitfalls in communication is the assumption that others will automatically understand our logic. It’s easy to think that if something makes sense to us, it should make sense to others. However, this often leads to misunderstandings and frustration. Emotions are not governed by logic alone; they are complex and multifaceted. That’s why emotional issues require emotional solutions, while logical issues need logical ones.
Assumptions can destroy relationships—whether in marriage, friendship, or parent-child dynamics. When we assume that others think like us, we fail to see their perspective, which creates a disconnect. This is why it is crucial to speak up, clarify, and express our needs and feelings before problems snowball. Communication should be an ongoing process, not a one-time conversation. In this way, emotional clarity can be achieved, and relationships can be strengthened.
Teaching Children the Dos, Not Just the Don’ts
When it comes to teaching children about emotional regulation and communication, it’s not enough to simply tell them what not to do. It’s just as important to teach them the “dos” and offer alternatives for navigating their emotions. Instead of saying, “Don’t get angry,” teach them what to do when they feel angry—whether it’s taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or talking to someone about how they feel.
Similarly, instead of telling children not to cry or be anxious, show them how to express vulnerability in a healthy way. Normalize emotions like sadness, anxiety, and fear, and teach children that it’s okay to feel these things, but it’s important to manage them responsibly. Encourage them to use language that conveys their needs while respecting the feelings of others.
In the same vein, teach children to express themselves without accusing others. “I feel upset because I didn’t get a chance to speak” is much more effective than “You never listen to me.” Teaching children to communicate without blame helps prevent defensiveness and promotes more productive conversations.
The Call to Parents
The shift in parenting today offers an opportunity to break free from the emotional suppression of the past. By teaching our children to regulate their emotions and communicate their needs effectively, we are providing them with the tools they need to thrive in the modern world. Emotional regulation and communication are not just skills—they are gifts that will serve children throughout their lives. When children are given the freedom to express themselves in healthy ways, they grow up to be emotionally intelligent, resilient, and empathetic individuals.
As parents, it is crucial that we model emotional regulation and healthy communication. Do not assume your child knows how to communicate or regulate their emotions simply because they are growing older. It is a process, and it requires active teaching, guidance, and patience. By giving children the tools to understand and manage their emotions, we are offering them the most priceless gifts they can carry into adulthood: the ability to regulate their feelings, express themselves clearly, and build meaningful, healthy relationships with others.
Ready to Grow Together?
Book a counseling session with me at The Counselling Place Singapore to collaborate with me to attain new effective skills in communicating and working with your children. Don’t assume that I will take care of your children but take the ownership because your presence and guidance will be a special bond you can look back to reminisce and be thankful that you don’t miss it! We will work towards that during collaboration! Stay tune to the part 2 where I will share some in-depth therapy skills such as play, art or narrative therapies to assist your children to express themselves especially those who can be quite non-verbal in the beginning and children with special needs (please be mindful not to self-diagnose your kids! Seek professional help from psychologist).