Connection as a Couple: Too Close? Too Far? What Is the Appropriate Distance for Us?
by Ho Shee Wai
Director / Registered Psychologist
Connection as a Couple: Too Close? Too Far? What Is the Appropriate Distance for Us?
Are you and your partner feeling too distant or too entangled? Discover the secret to a healthy, thriving relationship by finding the right balance between independence and togetherness. Learn how interdependency—built on appreciation, communication, and shared growth—can strengthen your bond with Psychologist, Ho Shee Wai.
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The right distance is one where both partners feel secure and free—connected yet autonomous. When you can be alone without anxiety and together without losing yourself, you’ve found balance.
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This “pursuer-avoider” pattern is common. The key is communication—understanding underlying needs and negotiating space without judgment.
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You both can:
Function well alone,
Enjoy being together,
Support each other’s growth,
Communicate honestly and resolve conflicts constructively
After the initial honeymoon period as a couple where we both can’t wait to be with each other, many couples find themselves wondering:
“Are we too close?”
“Are we drifting apart?”
“What is the right kind of connection for us?”
Let’s explore three real-life scenarios:
Scenario 1:
Abby works from home which is convenient for her to balance her parenting duties. However, this means she lack meaningful adult conversation. Adam comes back from a long day of meetings and is looking forward to some quiet, alone time but gets bombarded by Abby long list of questions about his day and work the minute he steps in.
Scenario 2:
Betty and Ben are both busy professional. After coming home, they have to split up to help the children with their homework and put them to bed. They collapse into bed exhausted, turn on the TV and both start scrolling on their phones. Their conversations are short and mainly task oriented.
Scenario 3:
Cherry and Chuck own a business together. They basically spend all their time at work and at home together. They are both not close to their extended families and rely on each other for everything. Their children comment that they have never seen them apart for single day of their lives because they do everything together.
Which scenario sounds like your relationship? Healthy couples evolve over time and navigate between dependence, interdependence, and independence. The challenge lies in maintaining a balance that nurtures closeness without losing individuality.
Understanding the Three Dynamics
1. Dependency
Dependency happens when one partner relies heavily on the other for emotional support, validation, or decision-making.
In the short term, it feels comforting—like always having someone to lean on.
Over time, though, it can lead to resentment or loss of self.
Red flag: When your happiness depends entirely on your partner’s mood or approval.
Green flag: You seek comfort in your partner, but also feel confident standing alone
2. Independency
Independency is the ability to function autonomously — each person has their own identity, interests, and support network.
Healthy independence gives breathing space and self-confidence
Too much independence, however, risks emotional distance.
Red flag: You rarely share feelings, and “alone time” becomes isolation.
Green flag: You respect boundaries and feel safe expressing your true self
3. Interdependency (The Sweet Spot)
This is the goal of healthy relationships—mutual support without losing individuality. Couple trusts, shares, and collaborates, yet maintains personal space and growth.
Interdependent couples:
✅ Share goals and values
✅ Communicate openly and resolve conflict together
✅ Balance time together and apart
✅ Support each other’s friendships and passions
How to Build a Healthy Interdependent Relationship?
1. Practice Positivity
Focus on strengths, give compliments, and express appreciation daily.
💡 Tip: Replace criticism with gratitude—“Thank you for helping with dinner” instead of “You never cook.”
2. Foster Openness
Share thoughts and feelings honestly. Talk about dreams, challenges, and needs.
💡 Tip: Set aside weekly “relationship check-ins” using tools like the Relationship Check-In.
3. Offer Assurances
Show commitment through consistent actions. Reconnect after disagreements.
💡 Tip: Say “I’m here for you” often — words matter.
4. Share Tasks
Divide responsibilities at home and support each other through life’s ups and downs
💡 Tip: Play Fair Play game to make task division fun.
5. Engage Socially
Spend time with friends, family, and community as a couple. Healthy couples don’t isolate; they thrive in networks.
💡 Tip: Organize to meet 1 other couple to start.
Check Your Balance
Use these questions to reflect:
Do I feel safe expressing my thoughts and feelings?
Do we have meaningful time together and apart?
Do we share common goals while supporting personal growth?
Do we resolve conflicts as a team, or withdraw/blame?
If your answers show imbalance—too enmeshed or too distant—it’s a signal to recalibrate.
How does Couple’s Counselling or Relationship therapy help?
Let’s go back to our 3 scenarios to see how counselling or psychotherapy can help couples in getting to healthy interdependence or connections:
Scenario 1
The psychologist or counsellor helps the couple see that they have differing needs but both valid. Abby agrees that Adam should have 15 minutes after he gets home to decompress from the day, Adam chooses to take the 15 minutes sitting in the garden in front of their house. When Adam walks through the door, he seeks Abby out and give her a big kiss and hug, and takes over watching the children so that Abby can have her 15 minutes of alone time. Abby chooses to take the 15 minutes soaking in the bath. The couple agrees to have stress-relieving conversation at the dining table where they ask about each other’s day.
Scenario 2
The psychologist or counsellor helps negotiate a “couple alone” time each day by having the ritual of going home together. Whoever has the car picks the other up and they spend the time in the car talking about something that has nothing to do with tasks. If they know they would have to put in overtime or cannot coordinate their coming home time that day, they will meet each other for lunch either at one person’s work place or somewhere in between.
Scenario 3
The psychologist or counsellor helps the couple agrees on an once-a-week alone time, where they go do something away from their partner that they enjoy. This gives the couple something new to talk about when they meet up again. They also agree to do a monthly gathering together with either other couples, their extended families, or their friend group to start expanding and building their social support network.
Healthy love isn’t about being inseparable—it’s about being securely connected. Take time this week to check in with your partner. Ask:
“Do we feel balanced — connected yet free?”
If you’re struggling to find your equilibrium, consider professional counselling support. At The Counselling Place, we help couples rebuild trust, improve communication, and rediscover connection. Book your session today.