How Men Can Show Up Emotionally for Their Partners
Counsellor / Career Coach
How Men Can Show Up Emotionally for Their
Partners
Being emotionally available isn’t about saying more—it’s about showing up with presence. Counsellor, Nicholas Smith. gives busy, expat-life men simple, research-informed habits (evening check-ins, “turning toward” bids, and self-awareness) that strengthen connection fast.
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Small moments when your partner reaches for connection—commenting on the weather, showing a video, asking for a hug. Turning toward = noticing and engaging.
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Use a 3-breath reset at the door, then do a 5-minute check-in before screens.
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Try a feelings wheel and name 1–2 emotions twice a day; share one with your partner.
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Research links suppression with higher physiological stress and poorer social outcomes; healthy expression supports connection and health.
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Yes: distance from familiar supports can amplify stress; prioritizing emotional availability buffers that load.
Imagine this: you’ve just stepped through the front door and dropped your bag down after a long day of commuting, navigating meetings, and dealing with the unique stress of being thousands of miles away from what feels like “home”. Then, when your partner begins to share stories about their day, you’re listening but distracted as you scroll through emails and offer the occasional “uh-huh” while mentally preparing for tomorrow’s workload.
If that sounds familiar, it isn’t just you. As a therapist working with husbands, wives, and couples in Singapore, I know this scenario plays out all too often. The good news is that a shift towards understanding emotional availability can transform your relationship dynamics.
What Is Emotional Availability, Really?
Emotional availability isn’t about crying during movies or having deep philosophical conversations every night. It’s simply being present with your partner’s emotional experience. It could look like a lot of different things: perhaps putting down the phone, turning towards your partner, and using your body language and focus to communicate, “I’m here, I see you, and what you’re feeling matters to me”.
Think of it like this: you wouldn’t check emails while your boss is explaining an important project. Your partner deserves at least that same level of attention.
The legendary John and Julie Gottman, who developed the Gottman Method of couples counselling, have studied thousands of couples over the course of decades. Their research shows that couples who regularly turn toward each other’s emotional bids tend to stay together, while those who consistently turn away are less likely to remain together. If you’re asking what an “emotional bid” is, the answer is simply any attempt for one partner to win attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection from the other. It might be when you ask your partner for help or advice, or when she asks you to see what she sees outside the window in a bid to confirm she can win your attention. When you ask if your tie suits you, or she asks how her dress fits, it’s the same thing.
Why This Matters Even More When You’re Living Abroad
Living as an expat amplifies everything. The excitement of a new culture comes with a bundle of isolation, career pressure, and distance from familiar support systems. Studies on expatriate relationships reveal that couples face unique stressors: cultural adaptation, social isolation, and the pressure of being each other’s primary support system.
When you’re 10,000 miles from your best friends or your go-to relative, your partner becomes your anchor. If you’re emotionally checked out, you’re essentially leaving them (and yourself) adrift in a foreign sea. The expat bubble can feel lonely enough without emotional distance in your own home.
Here’s what I often hear from partners: “I feel like I’m handling this move alone, even though we’re together.” That’s the sound of emotional unavailability, and it undermines relationships.
The Hidden Cost of Emotional Distance
Many men learned early that emotions equal weakness. Maybe you heard “boys don’t cry” or watched your dad handle stress by withdrawing to the garage. But here’s what that outdated programming costs you: research from Stanford shows that emotional suppression increases stress hormones, disrupts sleep, and even weakens your immune system.
Three Simple Ways to Increase Your Emotional Availability
1. Master the Evening Check-In
When you get home, try this before doing anything else: take three deep breaths. This isn’t wishful thinking: breathing research proves that slow breathing immediately calms your nervous system and makes you more receptive to connection.
Then, find your partner and ask: “How was your day?” Here’s the crucial part: listen to the answer. Listening can be harder than it sounds, because it means not checking your phone, thinking about a witty response or clever solution, or mentally reviewing tomorrow’s agenda. Just listen. If they mention a feeling (“I was frustrated when...”), reflect it back: “That sounds really frustrating.” You don’t need to fix anything. Your presence is the solution.
2. Learn Your Partner’s Emotional Language
Everyone has different ways of seeking connection. Dr. John Gottman refers to these as “bids for attention”—moments when your partner reaches out emotionally to you. It might be:
Sharing a random thought about their day
Showing you a video that made them laugh
Complaining about traffic or commenting on the weather
As simple as asking for a hug
The key is recognising these moments and turning toward them. When she shows you that TikTok video, watch it. When he vents about his colleague, put down what you’re doing and engage. These micro-moments of connection are the glue that holds relationships together.
3. Practice Emotional Check-Ins with Yourself
For many men in particular, emotions can usually be divided into basics like “happy”, “sad”, or “angry”. But there’s a whole spectrum between those extremes – if the vocabulary of feelings is something new to you, take a look at a feelings wheel.
Try this: set a phone reminder twice a day and when it goes off ask yourself: “What am I actually feeling right now? Stressed? Excited? Worried? Lonely?” The more familiar you become with your own emotional landscape, the easier it becomes to share it with your partner.
Starting small can be a big step forward, for example, instead of saying a daily “I’m fine”, try, “actually, I’m feeling a bit (something?) about an upcoming deadline.” By showing more vulnerability, you will give your partner more permission to support you and model the type of openness you want in return.
The benefit of living abroad
Being abroad can actually accelerate emotional growth. If you think about it, it makes sense because you’re already outside your comfort zone, navigating new experiences daily. You’ve proven you can adapt and grow. This experience can give you more courage to channel this energy into your relationship.
The couples who thrive in expat life are those who become each other’s safe harbour of emotional connection and mutual support. When you’re emotionally available, you’re not just in a relationship; you’re building a sanctuary that travels with you wherever life takes you.
Start Where You Are
You don’t need to transform overnight into someone who discusses feelings for hours. Start with five minutes of genuine presence each day. Turn off the TV, put away the phone, and really see your partner. Ask about their day and listen to the answer. Share one real feeling beyond “fine.”
These small acts might feel awkward at first—like learning to write with your non-dominant hand. But with practice, emotional availability becomes as natural as breathing. And unlike that work presentation or quarterly report, this investment pays dividends for life.
Remember: In a world of constant distraction and digital noise, your undivided attention is the most valuable gift you can offer. In giving it, you might just find that you receive far more in return—a deeper connection, a stronger partnership, and a relationship that not only survives the expat journey but thrives because of it.
If you’re finding it challenging to develop emotional availability on your own, consider seeking support. Professional counselling can provide personalised strategies for strengthening your relationship, especially during the unique challenges of expatriate life.