Grief After Divorce: Heal, Reclaim, and Rebuild

by Paula Brunning

Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach

Grief After Divorce: Heal, Reclaim, and Rebuild

Divorce isn’t just a legal event—it’s a profound emotional rupture. Counsellor, Paula Brunning, offers a compassionate, evidence-informed path to feel, heal, and steadily rebuild your life after loss, including when the relationship involved manipulation or control.

• How long does grief after divorce last?

  There’s no fixed timeline. Many people notice intense emotions lessen over months, with waves returning around anniversaries, legal milestones, or co-parenting stress. If grief prevents daily functioning for a prolonged period, professional help can speed recovery.

• What’s the difference between normal grief and complicated grief?

  Normal grief fluctuates and gradually eases. Complicated grief is persistent and impairing (e.g., pervasive yearning, numbness, loss of purpose) that doesn’t improve. It benefits from targeted therapy or counselling.

• Why does grief feel worse after a difficult or narcissistic relationship?

  When manipulation or gaslighting occurred, people often doubt their perceptions and self-worth. Counselling or Therapy focuses on reality-testing, rebuilding self-trust, and nervous-system stabilization.

• Is it okay that I feel nothing—or feel relief?

  Yes. Numbness or relief can be normal, especially after chronic stress. These feelings still deserve compassionate attention.

• What should I do if I have to co-parent with a high-conflict ex?

  Use clear boundaries, written communication, and low-contact strategies. Consider parallel parenting and specialized support.

• When should I seek help urgently?

  If you have thoughts of self-harm, feel unsafe, or are unable to care for yourself or dependents, seek immediate support (local hotlines/emergency services).

Emerging from divorce can be unexpectedly difficult. The legal aspects—separating assets, making decisions about family matters—are the more tangible part of the process. But emotionally, divorce often feels like a profound loss. It can mean grieving not only the relationship itself, but also the future you once imagined, the roles you held, and the identity you carried within that partnership.

This kind of loss can feel confusing and disorienting. Even if you saw the divorce coming, the emotional impact may be deeper and more unsettling than you anticipated. This is especially true when the relationship involved painful dynamics, such as patterns of manipulation or control. In some cases, these patterns may be tied to a partner’s traits associated with a mental health condition like narcissism.

In this blog, we’ll explore how to process the grief that often accompanies divorce, while also considering the importance of reclaiming and protecting your personal well-being particularly after an unhealthy relationship.

The end of something is always a loss

Despite how we might think of divorce as a common occurrence, there is tremendous change for an individual when this occurs. When a relationship ends, each person must move through the natural emotional process of mourning the loss of the relationship in ways that ideally allow healing, growth, and eventually the capacity to engage fully in life again.

This process takes time and emotional maturity. If there are obstacles to this healing it is important to consider what else may be impacting it. Complicated or prolonged grief are mental health conditions that disrupt the ability to live fully and benefit from special support to overcome.

When facing a loss, there is a healthy need for a range of emotional expression. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief identify denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These can happen in any order and are seen as natural reactions to any change, shock or loss. Allowing oneself to feel and express these and other emotions in acceptable ways ensures that despair, denial or bitterness are not the end result. It is normal to move back and forth between different emotions, processing and acknowledging this significant change is real, before being able to move forward towards building a new life. If you find yourself stuck in one emotion or unable to feel your emotions, this could indicate a need for support in processing your experience.

How a divorce might feel more complicated

For people coming out of a difficult or abusive relationship, the grief might be more complicated. Not only are they navigating the loss of the marriage, there might also be some identity and confidence issues resulting from the dynamic in the relationship. For example, when partnered with someone exhibiting narcissistic traits—like emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and control—the potential emotional wounds may be significant. Narcissistic abuse often erodes one’s self-worth and distorts reality, leaving lingering psychological effects that shape post‑divorce healing. Some common emotional and psychological challenges that benefit from therapeutic support include:

• Experiencing complicated grief, with a mix of sadness, anger, guilt and longing that doesn’t go away easily. The initial decision of divorce may have been seen as a positive or manageable step, but then things just don’t feel like they are making sense and emotions continue to be distressing after what seems like a reasonable period of time.

• Not knowing who you are anymore. Sometimes, personal identity in a marriage gets blurred, for example, being with a narcissistic partner might mean losing touch with your own values, preferences, and sense of self. Having guidance and support to explore identity issues can support healing in this area.

• Having a strong sense of self-doubt and disconnection from others, or decision-making paralysis. Sometimes there is a struggle to trust one’s own feelings or choices, or there is difficulty believing in one’s intrinsic value, or feeling very untrusting of others and feeling empty or lost without the relationship.

• Experiencing a period of depression or anxiety that includes grappling with abandonment, rejection, and uncertainty. Experiencing hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts or flashbacks to emotional manipulation are signs that one could be experiencing a trauma-related response and can be addressed with the support of a good, qualified therapist.

Acknowledging these symptoms as natural reactions to lived experience—not personal failings—is vital, and seeing help seeking as a move towards fostering personal health and wellbeing.

Taking time to recognize losses, Moving towards a new future

To heal from a divorce the focus is not about “getting over” something; it is about evolving into a version of yourself that’s authentic and grounded in your own values.

Stroebe & Schut’s Dual Process Model highlights that grieving involves oscillation, focusing on two different things back and forth.

There are periods of loss-oriented coping which involves reflection on what was lost, talking about the breakup, crying, and so on, followed by periods of restoration-oriented coping where new routines are built, new hobbies and activities are engaged in, and there is time and space for envisioning a new and independent future without the partner. Restoration-oriented coping may also involve the important steps of help-seeking for anyone wanting to capitalize on personal growth opportunities, and healing for those experiencing trauma-related responses.

A few tips to keep in mind while navigating this period of time is that this process is non-linear and not bound to any timeframe. It involves the capacity to:

• Feel and express the wide range of natural emotions, not numb, suppress or ignore them

• Develop and maintain self-care routines by ensuring adequate sleep, nutrition and movement

• Seek social connection with safe, supportive people

• Spend time reflecting on lessons learned, personal growth, and future hopes

• Gradually reclaiming joy, identity, and agency

Practical steps include:

• Creating personal boundaries to protect your emotional space and rebuild autonomy

• Engage in active self-reflection, possibly through therapy or journaling, and practice self-compassion, moving towards a narrative of strength and resilience

• Reclaiming passions and activities that are personally meaningful to anchor self-connection and sooth overwhelming emotions

• Intentionally develop and nurture support networks with family, friends, support groups or interest groups

• Practice self‐compassion to reframe challenges and nurture inner kindness

• Create small achievable goals to signpost progress

The pain points you face can become turning points toward deeper self-knowledge, resilience, and maturity. What awaits is a new life, with new purpose, shaped by your own identified values and goals.

Although the path post divorce is deeply personal, there is the potential to emerge with clear values, strength and self-worth, by honoring the grief process, seeking support and reclaiming or reshaping your identity step by step.