How to turn sibling rivalry into opportunities for growth
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
How to turn sibling rivalry into opportunities for growth
There they go again — shouting, crying, wrestling over toys or snacks. You feel like a full-time referee, worried constant fighting will damage their relationship forever. The good news? Sibling rivalry doesn’t have to be destructive. With the right tools, it can become a pathway for growth, teaching kids resilience, empathy, and communication. In this guide, Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Shifan Hu-Couble, unpacks the causes of sibling rivalry and share strategies to transform tension into connection.
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Yes. Almost all siblings experience conflict, but how parents respond determines whether it becomes destructive or growth-promoting.
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Common causes include competition for parental attention, perceived unfairness, age gaps, and personality differences.
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Stay calm, avoid comparisons, celebrate each child’s uniqueness, strive for fairness, and address feelings behind arguments.
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If rivalry escalates to constant aggression, avoidance, or unresolved resentment into adulthood, counselling or therapy can help restore connection.
There they go again — shouting, crying, and wrestling over the same toy or the last slice of pizza. You feel like a full-time referee, and honestly, you’re exhausted. Sibling rivalry feels like an endless conflict, a source of constant hostility and stress. Will the fighting ever end? And what if all this bickering ruins their relationship long-term? It is not uncommon to observe little to no relationships amongst adult siblings.
The good news is that sibling rivalry can be turned into opportunities for growth if you know how. This article aims to help you understand the nature of sibling rivalry and offer strategies to equip you to navigate the challenge.
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is the ongoing competition and tension that often shows up between brothers and sisters. It’s not just about a single fight over candy or grades — it’s a pattern of conflict that pops up again and again. It is a relational pattern.
Rivalry tends to be strongest between kids close in age, but it can happen between siblings with big age gaps — even step- or half-siblings. The key is understanding what’s fueling the conflict.
Why siblings compete?
Most fights aren’t really about toys or dessert. They’re about attention, fairness, and belonging. Siblings threaten our attachment bond with our parents, and this sense of threat can be quite overwhelming, especially for younger children when they have not learned how to express their needs and emotions.
For firstborns, the arrival of a new baby can feel like a threat. Even if you treat your children equally, small differences in how you talk or respond to them can trigger jealousy. It is not about absolute equality; it is about perceived fairness. Age gaps, personality differences, and struggles for your attention can all add to the tension.
While some rivalry is unavoidable, you can reduce how often fights happen — and teach your kids healthier ways to relate to each other.
Rivalry doesn’t always disappear with age. If kids grow up feeling compared, ignored, or treated unfairly, they may carry resentment into adulthood.
As adults, this can lead to strained relationships, dreaded holiday gatherings, or even full- blown avoidance. Counsellor or therapy can be helpful for untangling old wounds, setting boundaries, and learning new ways to communicate.
Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry is inevitable; how you respond to it will determine how your children relate to each other. You can’t stop every argument, but you can change the atmosphere at home and teach kids better ways to get along. Embedded in sibling rivalry are opportunities to learn effective communication, emotional regulation, and healthy conflict resolution. Here are some practical strategies:
Stay Calm
Kids take cues from you. When they start fighting, take a breath and keep your voice steady. Step in early if you see things escalating, and model how to handle frustration without resorting to yelling. If you are triggered, you can always walk away and come back later when you have calmed yourself down. You cannot help your children if you are dysregulated.
Avoid comparison
Avoid comparing kids (“Why can’t you be more like your sister?”) or setting them up to compete. Instead, give them chances to cooperate — cooking dinner together, cleaning as a team, or building a fort side by side.
Role model healthy conflict resolution. Let your kids see you apologise after a disagreement with your partner, express your emotions calmly and honestly, and set boundaries firmly.
They learn from observing how you handle conflict more than what you say about it.
Celebrate uniqueness
Kids fight less when they feel seen and valued. Spend one-on-one time with each child doing something they love — playing outside, reading a book, or playing a game. While family time is great for bonding, one-on-one time is essential to mitigate children’s sense of threat: establishing routines to spend time with each child. For example, weekly art class with John, walking Ashley to school every morning, and library visits with Jane.
Avoid labeling kids (“the smart one,” “the athletic one”). Labels can create pressure and competition. Instead, highlight multiple qualities about each child: “Jane is creative, caring, and works hard at school.”
Strive for fairness, not equality
Fairness doesn’t mean giving kids identical treatment. It means meeting their needs appropriately and individually. One child may need more help with homework, another with calming down after school. Tailor rewards and consequences to each child rather than applying blanket rules.
Pay attention the emotions behind the argument
You won’t always see what started the argument. Rather than blaming one child, get everyone to share how they feel. You cannot be the judge because most of the time, you will not have the full picture of what has actually happened.
Some helpful questions:
“What were you feeling when that happened?”
“What do you wish your sibling would do differently?”
Feeling heard helps kids calm down, even when the problem isn’t fully solved.
When kids are upset, resist the urge to jump straight to solutions. First, listen. Reflect their feelings back: “It sounds like you felt left out when your brother got to go first.”
Then remind them that hurt feelings don’t excuse hurtful actions. Hitting isn’t OK, but talking about feelings always is.
Handle Discipline Privately
If a child needs a consequence, take them aside rather than scolding them in front of their sibling. Public punishment can humiliate them and increase resentment.
By staying calm, showing fairness, and nurturing connection, you help them learn how to lean on each other, even after childhood. With patience and guidance, rivalry can turn into respect — and even lifelong friendship.
If sibling rivalry has started to overwhelm your home, you don’t have to navigate it alone. At The Counselling Place in Singapore, our Counsellors and Parenting Coaches can help you transform conflict into connection—equipping your children with lifelong relationship skills. Book in a session with me today!