Helping Your Son Build His Identity in a World of Modern Masculinity
Counsellor / Career Coach
Helping Your Son Build His Identity in a World of Modern Masculinity
Toxic masculinity, rigid stereotypes, and online influencers—raising a son today can feel overwhelming. Many parents worry about how their boys will build confidence, handle emotions, and shape identity in a culture that pushes extremes. Yet research shows that parents can play a powerful role in guiding boys toward resilience, authenticity, and empathy. In this article, Counsellor, Nicholas Smith, explores modern masculinity, why the “Man Box” matters, and practical ways you can help your son grow into a balanced and confident man.
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The “Man Box” is a set of rigid beliefs about masculinity. Boys who strongly conform to it are more likely to face mental health struggles and engage in risky behaviours.
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Avoid blame—start with curiosity, distinguish values from stereotypes, and highlight positive role models.
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Positive masculinity reframes traditional traits like strength and leadership into healthier expressions such as resilience, responsibility, and empathy.
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If you notice aggression, withdrawal, hopelessness, or rigid thinking about masculinity affecting his daily life, counselling can help.
When the topic of “toxic masculinity” dominates pop culture and parent discussions, it can create anxiety around raising a son. As a boy goes through adolescence, he may undergo several changes. He might suddenly start to avoid activities he once enjoyed, become hesitant to express his emotions, or start mimicking the behaviours of online influencers.
These changes can be especially concerning today, as many online influencers often promote extreme versions of masculinity to vulnerable young men. What’s more, as parents, we live in a world where young men face real difficulties. There are numerous statistics highlighting the challenges faced by men and boys, but one statistic stands out to parents in particular: 54% of young Australian men feel pressured to solve their personal problems without seeking help (Jesuit Social Services, 2018). These numbers show there is a real need and opportunity for parents to make a meaningful difference.
Reaching Out to Boys from a Perspective of Strengths, Not Deficits
Being told that masculinity is toxic, as a starting point, isn’t going to help a whole lot of young men who want to ask for help.
One approach to break this deadlock is the idea of the “Man Box.” Developed through international research and validated in Australia by Jesuit Social Services’ The Men’s Project, the Man Box represents the rigid set of beliefs about what it means to be a “real man” (Jesuit Social Services, 2018). These beliefs span seven pillars: self-sufficiency, acting tough, physical attractiveness, rigid gender roles, heterosexuality and homophobia, hypersexuality, and aggression and control.
These beliefs form a restrictive box: not only is it pressuring conformity, but it also excludes boys who don’t fit into the box. Tragically, research shows that men with higher Man Box Scale scores were up to five times more likely to engage in verbal, online or physical bullying and sexual harassment, and about twice as likely to experience depression or suicidal ideation (Hill et al., 2020). Young men who most strongly agree with Man Box rules report higher levels of perpetrating violence, being involved in car accidents, drinking to excess, and poorer levels of mental health (Jesuit Social Services, 2018).
The Crucial Insight: Values Versus Stereotypes
We can see how these pillars can harm a boy or man when they are crystallized into rigid thinking and extremes. However, each pillar can lead to positive and constructive conversations about important values. For example, the concept of ‘self-sufficiency’ includes the valuable traits of independence and competence, though it can become problematic if it means never seeking help. Similarly, ‘acting tough’ involves qualities like resilience and courage, but it can be detrimental when it prevents a boy from expressing vulnerability.
Homophobia opens a conversation on homophobic language, given it “has a significant impact on all young people—regardless of their sexuality—because it’s used to enforce the boundaries of the Man Box and target those who don’t measure up” (Next Gen Men, 2024).
Research confirms this complexity, where some elements of traditional masculinity can have positive associations with men’s health when not taken to extremes (Flood, 2020).
Understanding this distinction changes everything, because instead of telling boys to abandon masculine qualities, we can help them find healthier expressions of these same values.
A Better Way Forward: Evidence That This Works
Rather than simply telling boys what not to do, emerging research points to a more effective approach. Programs implementing positive masculinity principles show remarkable results.
The Man Cave program in Australia, which uses these approaches, reports that 91% of boys leave wanting to be a man who treats others with care and respect, and 84% feel empowered to build and maintain healthy relationships (The Man Cave, 2025).
These aren’t just attitude changes—they represent fundamental shifts in how boys see themselves and their place in the world.
The Framework: Making It Practical
Researchers have defined positive masculinity not as the rejection of traditional masculine traits but as a way to help boys develop their strengths in healthy ways. According to Wilson et al. (2022), positive masculinity is about “developmental progress towards embodying key human strengths in males, particularly in ways that resonate with traditional masculinity.”
This framework centres on three core domains: being connected (building respectful, empathetic relationships), motivated (finding intrinsic purpose beyond external validation), and authentic (having the courage to express one’s true identity). While this might seem academic, these principles translate directly into practical parenting strategies.
So how can parents apply these insights? Here are evidence-based strategies drawn from the research:
1. Start with Understanding, Not Judgment
If your son shares ideas influenced by rigid masculinity (for example, a perspective from an online influencer), respond with curiosity instead of criticism. You might ask, “What makes you think that?” or “How do you think that affects your friendships?” It’s important to remember that a young man’s belief in rigid masculine stereotypes can often predict harmful behaviors more accurately than demographic factors such as education level or location (Jesuit Social Services, 2020).
2. Distinguish Values from Stereotypes
Help your son identify the difference between positive values and limiting stereotypes. For example:
Value: Strength
Healthy expression: Standing up for others, persevering through challenges, and emotional resilience
Limiting stereotype: Never showing vulnerability, solving everything alone, using aggression to prove toughness
Value: Leadership
Healthy expression: Inspiring others, taking responsibility, and collaborative problem-solving
Limiting stereotype: Dominating others, never admitting mistakes, treating kindness as weakness
3. Model Emotional Intelligence
Only a quarter of men say they would be likely to seek help from a mental health professional for emotional problems (Australian Institute of Family Studies, 2020). As a parent, you can help break this pattern by:
Sharing your own emotions appropriately with your son
Describing how you handle stress and seek support
Normalizing that therapy and counseling are tools for growth and not signs of weakness
4. Address Online Influences Directly
With young men increasingly influenced by online content, engage rather than avoid these discussions:
Ask about influencers your son follows without immediate judgment
Discuss the business model behind controversial content creators
Help him identify when content promotes harmful stereotypes versus positive role modeling
Important Considerations
It’s important to note that boys from different cultural backgrounds, sexual orientations, or socioeconomic situations may face additional unique pressures around masculinity.
When to Seek Professional Help
Be alert for signs that professional support may be needed:
Sudden withdrawal from activities or relationships
Increased aggression or risk-taking behaviors
Expressions of hopelessness or statements like “real men don’t need help”
Rigid adherence to masculine stereotypes affecting daily functioning
Conclusion
Your son’s journey to manhood doesn’t have to be constrained by narrow stereotypes. With your support, understanding, and practical action, he can develop a masculine identity that serves both his well-being and contributes positively to his community. The path forward isn’t about rejecting masculinity—it’s about reimagining it for a new generation.
Get in touch with us at The Counselling Place; we work with parents, teens, and family units. Find out how parent coaching or counselling in Singapore can help you and your family thrive!
For further reading:
Flood, M. (2020). Inside the ‘man box’: How rigid ideas of ‘manning up’ harm young men and those around them. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/inside-the-man-box-how-rigid-ideas-of-manning-up-harm-young-men-and-those-around-them-143081
Hill, A. L., Miller, E., Switzer, G. E., Yu, L., Heilman, B., Levtov, R., Vlahovicova, K., Espelage, D., & Coulter, R. W. S. (2020). Harmful masculinities among younger men in three countries: Psychometric study of the Man Box Scale. Preventive Medicine, 139, 106185. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ypmed.2020.106185
Jesuit Social Services. (2018). The Man Box: A study on being a young man in Australia. The Men’s Project. https://jss.org.au/programs/research/the-man-box/
Jesuit Social Services. (2020). Unpacking the Man Box. The Men’s Project. https://jss.org.au/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/JSS200712_UMB_Report_Digital.pdf
Suicide Prevention Australia. (2024). Stats & Facts. https://www.suicidepreventionaust.org/news/statsandfacts
The Man Cave. (2025). School Workshops Program Evaluation Data. https://themancave.life/programs/school-workshops/
Wilson, M., Gwyther, K., Swann, R., Casey, K., Featherston, R., Oliffe, J. L., Englar-Carlson, M., & Rice, S. M. (2022). Operationalizing positive masculinity: A theoretical synthesis and school-based framework to engage boys and young men. Health Promotion International, 37(1), daab031. https://doi.org/10.1093/heapro/daab031