Helping Pre-teens and Teens Open Up: How Parents Can Help Support Emotional Expression

by Nicholas Smith

Counsellor

Helping Pre-teens and Teens Open Up: How Parents Can Help Support Emotional Expression

Getting teens to talk about their emotions can feel impossible, but it doesn’t have to be. In this blog, Counsellor Nicholas Smith explores simple, science-backed tools—like the feelings wheel and “I feel” statements—that help young people open up. Learn how to guide your child through emotional confusion and foster healthier conversations at home, especially in high-pressure environments like Singapore.

• Why don’t teens talk about their emotions?

  Teenagers often struggle to articulate emotions due to brain development, emotional overwhelm, and a lack of vocabulary to describe what they feel.

• What is the feelings wheel and how can it help?

  The feelings wheel is a visual tool that helps teens identify specific emotions beyond “sad” or “angry,” which aids in regulation and healthy expression.

• How do “I feel” statements improve communication?

  “I feel” statements reduce blame, increase clarity, and promote empathy—essential for resolving conflict and helping teens feel understood.

• What are signs my teen may need professional support?

  If your teen consistently avoids emotional conversations, shows signs of depression or anxiety, or has ongoing conflict, counselling or therapy may be beneficial.

• How can I introduce these tools without making it awkward?

  Use calm moments, model the tools yourself, and incorporate emotional language naturally into daily routines like car rides or watching movies together.

Introduction

Let’s face it: getting teenagers to talk about their feelings can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded. One moment, they’re fine; the next, they’re slamming doors, and if you ask what’s wrong, you might get nothing more than a shrug or an “I don’t know.”

But here’s the thing—adolescents often genuinely don’t know how to articulate what they’re feeling. Research shows that teenagers experience emotions more intensely than adults, yet they’re still developing the skills to make sense of these feelings.

What’s more, we know all too well that young people in Singapore, as well as those elsewhere in the world, face numerous pressures: from the 24/7 pressures of social media and phone usage to the pressure of PSLE or IB exams to the return of expatriate friends to their homelands.

The good news? Two simple, evidence-based tools can transform how pre-teens and teenagers communicate about their inner world: the feelings wheel and “I feel” statements.

Think of these as emotional training wheels that help young people navigate the complex terrain of their feelings.

The Feelings Wheel: Your Emotional GPS

What Is It?

Picture a colour wheel but for emotions. Created by Dr Gloria Willcox in 1982, the feelings wheel is a circular diagram that starts with basic emotions at the centre (think: happy, sad, angry) and expands outward to more specific feelings (like disappointed, overwhelmed, or anxious). It’s a visual vocabulary builder for emotions.

Why It Works?

Here’s where it gets interesting from a brain science perspective. When we name our emotions, something remarkable happens in our brains. Neuroimaging studies found that putting feelings into words actually calms down the amygdala (our brain’s alarm system) while activating the prefrontal cortex (our thinking brain). In simpler terms: naming emotions helps regulate them.

For teenagers who are navigating what researchers call a period of “emotional granularity development”; this tool is particularly powerful. Researchers found that emotional differentiation (the ability to distinguish between different feelings) dips during adolescence before improving in adulthood. It’s like teens are experiencing an emotional growth spurt that temporarily makes things more confusing.

Real-World Application

Instead of accepting “I’m stressed” at face value, you might explore the feelings wheel together:

• Is it stress, or is it more specific?

• Are they feeling overwhelmed by their workload?

• Are they anxious about disappointing someone?

• Are they feeling frustrated due to a lack of control?

Each of these emotions points toward different solutions. An overwhelmed student might need help with time management, while an anxious one might benefit from reassurance about expectations.

“I Feel” Statements: The Communication Game-Changer

The Basics

Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships revealed that how we express emotions matters just as much as what we’re feeling. His “I feel” statement structure is deceptively simple:

“I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [impact/meaning]”

Why This Formula Works

This isn’t just feel-good advice—there’s solid psychology behind it:

1. It promotes ownership:

Starting with “I feel” rather than “You always...” prevents the defensive walls from going up immediately

2. It provides clarity:

Being specific about situations helps others understand exactly what’s bothering us.

3. It builds connection:

Explaining the “because” helps others empathize with our experience

Research on parent-teen communication indicates that when adolescents employ this structure, conflicts tend to de-escalate more quickly, and both parties report feeling more understood.

From Theory to Practice

Let’s say your teen’s best friend is moving back to their home country (a common scenario in Singapore’s international schools). Instead of withdrawing or acting out, they might say:

“I feel scared and lonely when I think about Emma leaving because I don’t know if I’ll find another friend who gets my weird sense of humour.”

Notice how much more workable this is than “Everything sucks” or stony silence?

Students in Singapore, whether at local schools or international schools, can face some of the world’s most competitive academic environments. When your teen says they’re “stressed about exams”, the feelings wheel can help unpack whether they’re:

• Fearful of disappointing parents

• Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of material

• Ashamed about not understanding specific topics

• Angry about the pressure they’re under

Each emotion requires a different response from parents. Fear might need reassurance, overwhelm needs practical support, shame requires acceptance, and anger needs validation.

The Third Culture Kid Emotional Rollercoaster

Third Culture Kids (TCKs) often struggle with:

• Grief from repeated goodbyes

• Identity confusion (“Where is home?”)

• Anxiety about uncertain futures

Researchers have noted that these young people require additional support in articulating complex emotions that don’t fit neatly into categories.

Practical Tips for Parents

Start Small

Don’t expect your teen to become an emotional poet overnight suddenly. Begin by:

• Casually using the feelings wheel yourself (“I’m feeling frustrated—no, actually, more like disappointed about the traffic today”)

• Printing out a feelings wheel and leaving it somewhere accessible (fridge, study area)

• Using it during calm moments, not in the heat of conflict

Make It Natural

• Use movies or books as practice: "What do you think that character was feeling?"

• Share your own emotional experiences using "I feel" statements

• Create regular check-in times (car rides work great—less eye contact pressure)

Be Patient

Remember, you’re essentially teaching a new language. Some days, your teen will engage others they won’t. That’s normal. The goal is to plant seeds, not force immediate blooms.

The Neuroscience Behind Why This Matters

Recent research has revealed the crucial role of emotional expression during adolescence. The teenage brain is undergoing massive rewiring, particularly in areas related to emotional regulation and social understanding. When teens learn to differentiate and express emotions effectively, they’re literally building neural pathways that will serve them throughout life.

Studies on affect labeling (putting feelings into words) show it can even improve outcomes in therapy. It’s been found that people who used emotional language during exposure therapy for phobias had better long-term outcomes. While most teens aren’t dealing with clinical phobias, the principle applies: naming emotions helps process them more effectively.

Know When to Get Help

While these tools are powerful, they’re not magic wands. If your teen:

• Consistently refuses to engage with emotions

• Shows signs of depression or severe anxiety

• Experiences persistent conflicts despite using these tools

It may be time to consult a counsellor or therapist familiar with adolescent development and the unique pressures of Singapore.

Regardless, if you would like a bit of help starting this journey or feel your pre-teen or teen needs additional support, book in a session with me at The Counselling Place.