Why People Stay in Unhealthy Relationships and How to Get Out of It?
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
Why people stay in unhealthy relationship and how to get out of it?
Why do smart, capable people stay in toxic relationships? The answer is rarely simple. Unhealthy relationship patterns often trace back to early emotional wounds, trauma, and unmet needs. In this blog, Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Shifan Hu-Couble explores the hidden psychological roots of staying, the grief of leaving, and how survivors can begin to reclaim their lives and rebuild from within.
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People often stay due to trauma bonding, fear, low self-worth, or emotional conditioning shaped by early experiences. Abuse can feel familiar or even “normal” when rooted in childhood neglect or emotional invalidation.
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Red flags include constant criticism, gaslighting, lack of empathy, emotional withdrawal, manipulation, and a persistent feeling of being unsafe or diminished.
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Yes. Healing is possible with time, support, and intentional self-care. Counselling or Therapy, self-reflection, grief work, and healthy relationships can help rebuild emotional resilience.
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Counsellors or Psychotherapists help clients uncover the roots of relational patterns, process past trauma, build boundaries, and develop emotional clarity—offering a safer space to heal.
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Acknowledging the abuse and seeking support—whether through counselling or therapy, trusted friends, or a crisis center—is the first and often most courageous step toward freedom.
Relational difficulties are among the most common reasons individuals seek therapeutic support. It is not unusual to encounter clients who remain in unhealthy relationships for years—sometimes decades. Many express sentiments such as, “I know he is not good for me, but I can’t help it,” or, following a crisis, attempt to minimize the harm with statements like, “Things aren’t that bad; it’s probably all in my head.” Others express confusion, saying, “I don’t know why, but I keep falling for the same type of men/women.” These comments reflect a deeper internal conflict—seemingly divergent parts of the self desiring incompatible things. This phenomenon can feel disorienting, leading some to wonder whether they are experiencing a kind of fragmentation or “split personality”.
As a psychotherapist specializing in childhood trauma, I understand these patterns as often rooted in early relational experiences. One of the more tragic outcomes of being poorly treated in childhood is the development of a high tolerance for mistreatment in adult romantic relationships. Individuals who were not consistently seen, valued, or protected during childhood are more vulnerable to forming connections with partners who show limited interest in their authentic needs and aspirations. Early relational dynamics frequently establish a “template” for adult relationships, and behaviors that might appear to others as boundary violations, emotional neglect, or passive aggression can feel familiar—even normal—to those who experienced similar patterns with caregivers.
Rather than distancing themselves from such relationships, these individuals may hold onto the hope that they can eventually transform their partner, unconsciously reenacting unresolved childhood wounds. It often takes considerable time and therapeutic support before they can recognize the relationship as manipulative, emotionally unsafe, or abusive. The process of awakening to these patterns is painful but essential for healing and growth.
Once you have realized we are caught in an unhealthy pattern, we might wonder how to break the pattern and develop healthier relationships. Here are some practical strategies for consideration.
1. Accept Your Reality
The first and most vital step in healing is recognizing and accepting the nature of the relationship. This can be profoundly difficult, especially when the abuse comes from someone close—such as a partner, parent, or other trusted figure. Acknowledging that someone you love may also be causing harm involves confronting painful truths, but no meaningful healing can begin without this clarity. Acceptance allows you to stop rationalizing or minimizing the harm and start moving toward safety and recovery.
2. Allow Yourself to Feel
Many individuals in abusive relationships learn to suppress their emotions as a protective mechanism—either because expressing feelings escalates the abuser’s behavior or because the emotions themselves feel overwhelming. However, healing requires making space for grief, anger, confusion, and sadness. These emotions are valid responses to trauma. A safe and supportive therapeutic environment, preferably with a clinician experienced in abuse and trauma, can provide the containment needed to process these intense feelings.
3. Prioritize Self-Care
Meeting your own basic needs—adequate sleep, nutritious food, physical activity, and stress management—is essential to restoring your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Far from being selfish, this self-care is necessary for daily functioning, especially if you are managing responsibilities such as work or parenting. Taking care of your body and mind lays a foundational layer of resilience that will support the rest of your healing journey.
4. Shorten the timeline of healing
Leaving a toxic relationship and rebuilding a life can feel overwhelming. Looking too far ahead may cause anxiety or paralysis. Instead, focus on a shorter timeline – daily or weekly. Instead of thinking of years down the road, remind yourself of your goal to look at only today or this week.
5. Grieve the Loss
Every loss requires grieving, even when the loss is of something harmful. Acknowledging the relationship is not what you hoped for—whether it was a romantic partner, a parent, or someone else—can bring deep sadness. Grief work includes mourning unmet expectations and acknowledging the emotional investments that may never be returned.
6. Reclaim and Rebuild Your Own Life
To fully disentangle from an abusive dynamic, it’s crucial to develop a sense of self that exists independently of the relationship. This includes cultivating interests, work, community involvement, and friendships that are unrelated to the abuser. Creating an identity outside of the toxic relationship restores autonomy and fosters empowerment. This process can be especially challenging when the relationship has been all-encompassing, such as in long-term marriages, but it is a critical step in reclaiming one’s life.
7. Seek Out Emotionally Healthy Relationships
One of the long-term rewards of healing is the ability to recognize and build emotionally healthy relationships. These are characterized by reciprocity, empathy, accountability, and mutual respect. Look for individuals who listen well, share openly, own their mistakes, and celebrate your successes. Be intentional about connecting with people in real life—while online communities can be supportive, meaningful, in-person relationships provide the grounding and trust necessary for lasting recovery. Building healthy friendships takes time and effort, but they are invaluable to long-term emotional well-being.
Healing from a toxic or abusive relationship is a complex and deeply personal journey that begins with acknowledging the reality of the abuse. Many survivors struggle to accept that someone they love has harmed them, but facing this truth is the foundation of healing. Suppressed emotions must be allowed to surface in a safe, supportive environment, ideally with a qualified therapist. Self-care is essential, as is taking the process one day at a time. Survivors often grieve not only the loss of the relationship but also the idealized version of what the relationship could have been. Rebuilding a life separate from the abuser and cultivating emotionally healthy relationships are vital steps toward recovery. Healing is gradual but possible through intentional steps, support, and personal growth.
You don’t have to carry this alone. If you’re in a relationship that feels emotionally unsafe or confusing, counselling or psychotherapy can offer the insight, support, and space needed to understand what’s happening—and to choose something healthier. Book a session with me at The Counselling Place Singapore to begin your healing journey toward freedom and self-worth.