Why the Men in Your Life Feel So Hard to Understand (Father, Husband, Son)
by Ben Ang
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
Why the Men in Your Life Feel So Hard to Understand (Father, Husband, Son)
Many women didn’t come to counselling because they want to change the men in their lives. They came because they feel confused, exhausted, or alone — trying to connect with a father who won’t talk, a partner who shuts down, or a son who seems unreachable. If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why is he like this?” — not in anger, but in longing — this blog is for you. Counsellor, Psychotherapist, & Parenting Coach, Ben Ang, shared how you can understand the men in your life.
There are many sayings about men and women.
“Women are emotional, men are logical.”
“Women want to talk, men want to fix.”
“Women are complicated.”
“Men are simple.”
There’s also the well-known phrase, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” It captures something many couples recognise — that at times, we can seem to speak entirely different emotional languages, even when we care deeply about each other.
But men and women are not from different planets. They are shaped by different expectations, emotional training, and life experiences. These differences can feel confusing, but they are not mysterious and they can be understood.
In my work with men, I often hear a familiar line:
“Women are hard to understand.”
Yet if we are honest, many women quietly carry a similar question:
“Why are men so hard to understand?”
A husband who shuts down during conflict.
A father who rarely speaks about his feelings.
A teenage son who seems distant, irritable, or withdrawn.
Beneath these experiences is often a deeper question:
“Why is he like this?”
This question is rarely asked with judgment alone. It often comes from exhaustion, worry, or a deep longing for connection. To many women, these moments can feel confusing, lonely, or even rejecting. The silence can hurt just as much as harsh words.
And beneath the frustration, there is often something softer:
“I want to understand him but I don’t know how.”
Why Understanding the Men in Your Life Matters
Understanding does not mean excusing harmful behaviour. It does not mean lowering standards or tolerating disrespect. Instead, understanding helps us respond with greater clarity, stronger boundaries, and compassion rather than feeling trapped in confusion, anger, or resentment.
Understanding can also reduce unnecessary self-blame. It allows us to see patterns more clearly, so we can choose responses that protect both connection and emotional safety.
Very often, what looks like indifference in men may actually be disconnection. What appears as resistance may be overwhelm. What feels like emotional absence may be a sign that a man never learned how to be emotionally present in a way that feels safe either for himself or in relationships.
Many men were not taught how to name feelings, ask for support, or stay engaged during emotional discomfort. When emotions rise, their nervous system may default to shutting down, withdrawing, or becoming defensive not because they do not care, but because they may not know another way to cope.
To understand the men in our lives as fathers, husbands, and sons, we need to look beyond surface behaviour or personality labels. We need to consider the world they grew up in: the family environments that shaped their emotional habits, the cultural messages about masculinity they absorbed, and the societal expectations they continue to carry.
Some grew up in homes where emotions were dismissed, criticised, or unsafe to express. Others were taught that worth comes from achievement, toughness, or self-reliance. Many learned early that vulnerability could lead to shame rather than support.
Over time, these lessons become internal rules. When life becomes stressful in work, marriage, or parenting, these old survival patterns resurface, even when they no longer serve the relationship. Understanding helps us see that what we are responding to today often has roots far earlier than the present moment.
How Women Can Respond Without Carrying the Emotional Burden
It is not a woman’s job to fix the men in her life. Emotional labour should not rest on one person. Understanding a man’s struggles does not mean absorbing his responsibility, tolerating harm, or endlessly explaining what should already be known.
At the same time, small shifts in how we respond can support healthier patterns without sacrificing our own needs, dignity, or safety.
Practical Ways to Communicate With Men Without Escalation or Burnout
1. Name the impact, not the character
When emotions run high, it’s easy to describe who the other person is instead of what is happening.
“You never care” can feel attacking and lead to shutdown.
“When you shut down, I feel alone” communicates impact without attacking identity.
This kind of language reduces defensiveness and keeps the focus on connection, not blame. It may make it easier for a man to stay present long enough to hear you.
2. Set clear and consistent boundaries
Boundaries are not punishments. They communicate what is acceptable and what is not. For example:
“I want to talk about this, but not if voices are raised.”
“I’m willing to work through this, but I can’t accept being spoken to that way.”
Clear boundaries create emotional safety for both people. They protect you, and they also give the relationship structure instead of chaos.
3. Invite, don’t force
Many men feel overwhelmed when pressured to talk immediately, especially when emotions are already intense.
An invitation like, “I’m here when you’re ready,” or “Can we talk about this later when we’re both calmer?” often leads to more openness than repeated pushing. This doesn’t mean avoiding issues. It means choosing timing and tone in a way that increases the chance of meaningful conversation.
4. Encourage support outside the relationship
Partners cannot be each other’s only emotional outlet. In fact, relying solely on a partner can increase pressure and strain.
Men may find it easier to open up in counselling or therapy, peer groups, or with trusted friends where the emotional stakes feel lower. Encouraging outside support is not rejection but it is expanding the support system so the relationship does not carry everything.
5. Recognise your own limits
Compassion does not mean endurance without end. If you feel drained, resentful, or emotionally depleted, it is a signal that something needs attention. You cannot support growth from a place of burnout. Rest, support, and space are not selfish.
They are necessary.
6. Separate explanation from responsibility
Understanding why someone behaves a certain way helps make sense of patterns. But explanation is not the same as justification. A man’s past may explain his shutdown or defensiveness. It does not excuse harm, and it does not make you responsible for repairing wounds you did not create.
You can hold two truths at once:
“I see where this comes from.”
“And this still needs to change.”
7. Model emotional regulation
In moments of tension, slowing your own breathing, lowering your tone, or pausing can influence the emotional temperature of the interaction. Emotional regulation is contagious in both directions. This does not mean managing his feelings for him. It means protecting the interaction from escalating beyond what either of you can handle.
FAQ
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Many men were never taught how to stay emotionally present during conflict. Shutting down is often a nervous-system response to overwhelm, not a lack of care.
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Yes. Cultural expectations around masculinity often discourage emotional expression, especially vulnerability, which can make communication difficult later in life.
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Support does not mean fixing. Clear boundaries, naming impact rather than character, and encouraging support outside the relationship help protect both connection and well-being.
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If communication feels stuck, emotionally draining, or repetitive despite your efforts, counselling can help create safer and more constructive ways of relating.
An Invitation
If you’re struggling to understand the man in your life, you’re not failing — and you’re not alone. Confusion, frustration, and love often coexist in close relationships.
Counselling offers a space to slow these patterns down, strengthen boundaries, and explore healthier ways of relating — whether you come on your own or together. You don’t need to carry this alone. Book in a session with me today!