When One Partner Isn’t Ready: How to Understand & Ease Resistance to Couples Therapy
Counsellor / Parenting Coach
When One Partner Isn’t Ready: How to Understand & Ease Resistance to Couples Therapy
It’s common for one partner to feel ready for couples therapy while the other feels unsure, anxious, or defensive. This doesn’t mean they don’t care — often, it means they are afraid of being blamed, judged, or misunderstood. In this article, Counsellor Lim Swee Chen explore where that fear comes from and how couples can approach therapy together in a way that feels safer, more respectful, and collaborative.
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It’s okay to start individually. Change in one partner can shift the relationship dynamic.
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No. A well-trained couples therapist works to support both partners equally.
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Therapy is structured to create safety and pacing — not escalation. While there may be initial discomfort when a topic is opened up for discussion, at the end of the session there will be a resolution or agreed steps forward.
It’s not uncommon for one partner to reach out for couple therapy while the other hesitates or outright refuses. Sometimes, one person feels hopeful that counselling or therapy might help them reconnect, while the other feels anxious, defensive, or even blamed before they’ve walked through the door.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Resistance to couple therapy is one of the most common dynamics I see in my practice. Let’s unpack where this resistance comes from and how both partners can approach counselling or therapy in a way that feels safer and more collaborative.
1. The Many Faces of Resistance
Resistance doesn’t always sound like a firm “no.”
Sometimes, it shows up as quiet hesitation or sharp defensiveness:
“I don’t think we need therapy, it’s not that bad.”
“You’re the one with the problem, not me.”
“The therapist will just take your side anyway.”
For many partners, counselling or therapy feels like walking into a courtroom where they’ve already been labelled “the problem.” When someone says, “You’re the one who needs therapy, not me,” what they often mean is, “I don’t want to be blamed or fixed.”
That reaction makes sense. Entering couple therapy can feel like giving up control or exposing vulnerabilities. It can stir up shame, guilt, or fear of being portrayed as the “bad partner.” Underneath the rejection is usually a deeper message: “I’m scared this process will hurt more than help.”
2. Cultural Barriers: The Silent Rules We Grew Up With
In many Asian families, there’s an unspoken rule: don’t wash dirty laundry in public.
We’re taught not to cry over spilt milk and not to let outsiders know what’s going on at home. Problems should be handled quietly, privately, and, if possible, discreetly forgotten.
While this value comes from a place of dignity and resilience, it can also make seeking therapy feel shameful. Talking about marital conflict with a stranger may feel like losing face or like betraying the family’s image of harmony. For some, the idea of inviting a therapist into these private struggles feels like a cultural taboo: “What if people find out?” or “We’re supposed to be strong, not emotional.”
But keeping pain behind closed doors doesn’t make it disappear. It often turns into distance, resentment, or quiet loneliness within the relationship. Therapy offers a private, respectful space to process these emotions safely, without judgement and without loss of dignity.
3. Fear Beneath the Surface
At its core, resistance is often a form of self-protection. Many people associate counselling or therapy with being “in trouble,” especially if they grew up in families where emotions or conflicts were met with criticism, punishment, or silence.
For others, therapy can stir up deeper fears:
Fear of failure: “If we need therapy, it means our relationship is broken.”
Fear of loss: “If we open up, what if we realise it’s too late?”
Fear of blame: “Everyone will think I’m the problem.”
Fear of change: “What if therapy makes things worse?”
These fears are valid and normal. Therapy is not about proving who’s right or wrong. It’s about building understanding, compassion, and practical skills to handle challenges differently.
4. The Trap of Collusion
Sometimes, resistance shows up inside the therapy room. One partner may unconsciously collude with the counsellor, psychologist or therapist to “fix” the other, hoping the professional will help deliver their message more effectively:
- “Please tell him he needs to listen more.”
- “Can you make her see how unreasonable she’s being?”
But good couple therapy isn’t about taking sides. In fact, when therapy turns into two-against-one, even unintentionally, it reinforces the fear of being ganged up on.
As a therapist, my role is to hold a neutral, balanced space where both voices matter. The goal isn’t to decide who’s right; it’s to help each person feel heard and understood so they can start working together, not against each other.
5. Why It’s Okay to Feel Defensive
Feeling defensive at the start of therapy doesn’t mean you’re difficult or unwilling. It means you care about protecting yourself and the relationship. Defensiveness often comes from feeling misunderstood or cornered.
One of the first things I tell couples is: you don’t need to agree on everything to start therapy. You only need to agree that something between you feels stuck, painful, or confusing, and that it’s worth exploring.
From there, we build safety. That means slowing things down, translating criticism into softer emotions, and helping both partners express their needs without attacking or withdrawing.
6. Starting Where You Are
If you’re the partner who wants therapy:
Invite your partner gently, not as a demand but as a hope: “I know this might feel uncomfortable, but I want us to get support before things get worse.”
Emphasise teamwork: “It’s not about blaming anyone. I want to understand you better.”
Offer to start with a consultation or just one session. Sometimes, seeing that therapy isn’t about taking sides helps ease the fear.
If you’re the partner who’s hesitant:
It’s okay to say you’re unsure. You can even come to the first session simply to express that uncertainty.
A good therapist will welcome your skepticism and work with it. You don’t have to perform or agree; you just have to show up as yourself.
7. What Couple Therapy Really Is
Couple therapy isn’t a courtroom; it’s a laboratory. It’s a space to experiment with new ways of talking, listening, and understanding.
Sessions often focus on:
Identifying repeating patterns (such as pursuing–withdrawing or criticism–defensiveness)
Understanding emotional needs beneath those patterns
Building new tools for communication and repair
The aim isn’t perfection; it’s connection. Even when change feels slow, showing up together is already a step towards healing.
8. Moving from Fear to Collaboration
When both partners begin to see therapy as a shared journey rather than a battle to win, something shifts. The conversation moves from “Who’s right?” to “What’s happening between us?” That’s when real work begins.
So if you’re hesitating, or if your partner is, know that resistance doesn’t mean failure.
It’s simply part of the process. Therapy can help you move from fear and blame towards curiosity, empathy, and teamwork.
A Final Word
Reaching out for help takes courage, especially in cultures that prize strength and privacy. But courage doesn’t mean never feeling afraid; it means acting even when you do. Whether you come in as a couple or start individually, therapy can offer a safe, structured space to untangle what feels stuck and rediscover how to listen, repair, and reconnect. If this resonates with you, I invite you to take that first step. You don’t have to have it all figured out before you begin.