A necessary step towards trauma healing: cut ties with toxic parents

by Shifan Hu-Couble

Psychotherapist / Counsellor / Parenting Coach

A necessary step towards trauma healing: cut ties with toxic parents

Cutting ties with toxic parents isn’t impulsive—it’s often a trauma-informed step toward safety, clarity, and healing. Learn how no-contact can protect your peace with Psychotherapist & Counsellor, Shifan Hu-Couble, of The Counselling Place Singapore.

• Is going no-contact with parents ever healthy?

  When repeated harm continues despite clear boundaries, no-contact can be a safety boundary that reduces anxiety, restores self-trust, and enables healing.

• How do I know it’s time to cut ties?

  Look for persistent patterns—gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, or disrespect of boundaries—after multiple attempts to repair. Decide with a counsellor or therapist when possible.

• Will I regret going no-contact?

  Regret usually relates to grief and cultural pressure. With support, most people report improved sleep, calmer moods, and healthier relationships over time.

• What’s the difference between low-contact and no-contact?

  Low-contact sets strict limits (topics, frequency, mediums). No-contact ends interaction. Both center safety and can change over time.

• How do I handle relatives who pressure me to reconnect?

  Use short, calm scripts: “I’m choosing a boundary for my well-being. I’m not discussing it further.” Repeat and disengage from debates.

• Can no-contact be temporary?

  Yes. Boundaries evolve. With sustained change, supervised or structured contact may be reconsidered—on your timeline, not from guilt.

• How do I prepare logistically for no-contact?

  Secure finances and housing, change passwords, adjust privacy settings, and tell trusted allies. Plan for holidays and potential triangulation.

• What should I look for in a counsellor or therapist?

  Seek a trauma-informed clinician experienced with family-of-origin issues, attachment trauma, and boundary work; consider EMDR or somatic modalities.

Cutting ties with your parents is one of the hardest and most gut-wrenching choices an adult child can make. And yet, for some, it’s the only way to finally break free from cycles of pain, toxicity, or abuse.

But here’s the tricky part: when someone chooses to go no contact, they’re often met with raised eyebrows, judgmental comments, and even open criticism. People who have never experienced family dysfunction might say things like:

“But they’re your parents — you only get one set!”

“Family is everything. You’ll regret this one day.”

“They did the best they could.”

Sound familiar? If you’ve heard these lines, you know how invalidating they can feel. The truth is, estrangement isn’t selfish or impulsive — it’s usually a last resort after years (sometimes decades) of trying to repair a relationship that simply won’t change.

Most adults who choose to cut ties with their parents have been wrestling with this decision for years. They’ve tried to make it work. They’ve set boundaries, had those hard conversations, and given second, third, and tenth chances. They’ve shown up for tense holiday dinners, endured phone calls that left them drained, and stayed up at night replaying conversations in their heads.

This decision rarely comes out of nowhere. For many, the relationship with their parents has been a source of harm since childhood — emotional abuse, gaslighting, manipulation, neglect, or even physical harm. And when these patterns continue into adulthood with no sign of changing, going no contact becomes a form of self-protection.

However, our culture gets in the way of healing because it puts family on a pedestal. We hear phrases like “blood is thicker than water” and “family comes first” from the time we’re kids. And sure, in healthy families, that message can be beautiful — but it can also be harmful when it pressures people to stay connected to parents who hurt them.

When we hear someone cutting ties with his family, the default reaction is often to side with the parents, to assume the adult child is being overly sensitive or dramatic. Comments like:

• “They’re your parents. You should forgive them.”

• “One day you’ll miss them when they’re gone.”

• “You’re being too harsh.”

These responses put the responsibility on the person who was harmed to keep the relationship going — and they let harmful behavior off the hook.

A Trauma-Informed Lens

A trauma-informed approach helps us understand why no-contact can actually be a deeply healing and empowering decision.

Trauma isn’t just about big, obvious events — it can also come from chronic, ongoing experiences that overwhelm your ability to cope. For a child, that might look like living in a home where you never know when the next outburst is coming, where you have to walk on eggshells, where love feels conditional.

Children are wired to depend on their caregivers for survival. When those caregivers are also the source of fear, pain, or neglect, a child’s nervous system gets stuck in a state of hypervigilance — constantly scanning for danger, never feeling fully safe.

Fast forward to adulthood: if that dynamic never changes, the adult child is left in a permanent state of tension. They may still be silencing their own needs, still bracing for criticism, still carrying the same fear they felt as a kid.

When reconciliation fails over and over again, choosing to step away isn’t about punishment or revenge. It’s about survival — emotional survival, psychological survival, and sometimes even physical survival.

Going no-contact isn’t the end of the story — it’s often the beginning of a new chapter. It creates space for healing that simply isn’t possible while you’re still in harm’s way.

Here’s what many people discover once they make that decision:

Breathing Room:

Without the constant criticism or chaos, you can actually hear your own thoughts and feelings.

Emotional Processing:

You have the space to grieve what you lost, name what happened, and feel what you couldn’t feel as a child.

Healthier Relationships:

With time, you start to see what healthy boundaries and mutual respect look like — and you begin building that into your friendships and chosen family.

Rebuilding Self-Esteem:

You’re no longer being torn down every time you talk to your parents, which allows your confidence and sense of worth to grow.

Trusting Yourself:

Instead of doubting your memory or minimizing your pain, you begin to trust your own perceptions and emotions.

Breaking the Cycle:

By stepping away, you’re disrupting patterns of abuse and dysfunction so they don’t get passed to future generations.

In my work with clients, I’ve seen incredible changes once they create that distance. People report sleeping better, having less anxiety, and feeling more grounded in their bodies. It’s not that life becomes perfect — but for many, it’s the first time they feel free to be their full, authentic selves.

Work with a therapist

Making the decision to go no contact can bring up a storm of emotions — grief, guilt, anger, and even relief all at once. This is why it can be so helpful to have professional counselling support during the process. A trauma-informed counsellor or therapist can help you sort through your feelings, explore whether no-contact is the healthiest option for you right now, and guide you in setting boundaries in a way that feels safe. Counselling or therapy provides a nonjudgmental space where you can process your past, plan for the future, and receive validation that what you experienced was real. Whether you ultimately choose no-contact, limited contact, or a different boundary, you don’t have to navigate it alone.