What Does It Mean to Be a Man Today?
by Ben Ang
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
What Does It Mean to Be a Man Today?
Many men are taught to be strong, silent, and self-reliant — but few are taught how to cope when life, relationships, and fatherhood feel overwhelming. Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Ben Ang, explores how traditional masculinity shapes men’s emotional lives, why anger is often misunderstood, and how redefining strength can create healthier men, families, and relationships.
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Many men are raised to value strength, control, and self-reliance, while emotional expression is often discouraged. This makes it difficult for men to recognise and communicate their inner experiences safely.
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Anger is often the presenting issue, but it usually sits on top of deeper emotions such as shame, fear, grief, or helplessness that men were never taught how to process.
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When men struggle in silence, it can create emotional distance, conflict, and insecurity within families. When men learn emotional regulation, communication, and repair, relationships become safer and more connected.
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No. Seeking counselling reflects responsibility, self-awareness, and a desire for healthier relationships and personal growth.
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Noticing emotional patterns, pausing before reacting, naming feelings early, talking to trusted people, and reconnecting with personal values are powerful starting points.
Many men grow up with unspoken rules about what it means to be a man.
Be strong.
Don’t complain.
Handle things on your own.
Provide. Protect. Endure.
For some, these messages helped men survive difficult circumstances. For many others, they have become a quiet burden—one that shapes how men show up as partners, husbands, and fathers, often without realising it.
This is why it matters for men to pause and reflect on what is mean to be a man. Not in theory, but in the everyday moments that shape our lives, how we relate to those closest to us, how we express love, and how we cope when things feel overwhelming. It shows up in how we respond to conflict, how we handle disappointment or failure, and whether we allow ourselves to ask for help when we need it.
When Strength Is Defined Too Narrowly
Traditional ideas of masculinity often reward control, emotional restraint, and self-reliance. Yet life as a partner, husband, or father requires something different:
emotional presence, humility, repair, and the ability to ask for help.
When men are not supported to develop these capacities, emotional pain does not disappear, it goes underground. It may surface as withdrawal, anger, burnout, silence, or aggression. Over time, this can take a serious toll on men’s mental health and their closest relationships.
Globally and locally, men account for a disproportionate number of suicide deaths. Behind these statistics are not just numbers, but stories of men who felt alone, ashamed, or unsure how to speak about their struggles. Many did not reach out not because they did not want help, but because they did not feel safe or “allowed” to ask for it.
When Anger Is Not the Whole Story
When men come into counselling, they rarely arrive saying, “I need help.” More often, they come because something has reached a breaking point—a relationship under strain, anger that feels harder to contain, or a growing sense that life no longer fits the identity they once relied on.
Many men have spent years holding things together through effort, silence, or control. These strategies are often learned early and reinforced over time. When they stop working, what becomes visible is not only distress, but anger.
Anger is one of the most common reasons men seek help. It may show up as irritability, emotional withdrawal, sudden outbursts, or ongoing conflict at home or work. Yet anger is rarely the full story. In my work with men, anger often sits on top of deeper experiences such as shame, fear, grief, or helplessness—emotions many men were never taught how to recognise or express safely. Learning to work with anger is not about eliminating it. It is about understanding what it points to: unmet needs, unresolved pain, or values that feel threatened.
Why Men’s Inner Work Matters for Families
When men struggle in silence, the impact rarely stays contained. Emotional shutdown, defensiveness, or reactive behaviour often surface in intimate relationships and family life. Partners may feel unheard, disconnected, or unsafe, while children may learn to suppress their own emotions or mirror the same patterns they observe at home.
When men step forward to seek support through counselling, peer groups, or trusted conversations, the ripple effects can be can be far-reaching. A father who can name his stress models emotional regulation and repair. A partner who can listen without defensiveness creates space for understanding and connection.
Men’s willingness to reflect, ask for help, and grow does more than support their own well-being. It interrupts cycles of silence that often span generations and contributes to safer relationships, healthier partnerships, and more emotionally secure children.
For many men, change does not require dramatic insight. It often begins with small, practical steps that build awareness, regulation, and choice over time.
Simple Tools Men Can Try
Notice your patterns
Pay attention to moments when you shut down, withdraw, or become reactive—especially when you are stressed, tired, or feeling criticised.
Pause and breathe
When emotions rise, take a few slow, deep breaths before responding. Slowing the body helps calm the nervous system and reduces the urge to react impulsively.
Name what you’re feeling early
Saying “I’m overwhelmed,” “I’m frustrated,” or “I need a moment” before things escalate can reduce conflict and misunderstanding.
Talk to someone you trust
Speaking with a friend, peer group, or counsellor is not a sign of weakness. It is taking responsibility for your well-being and your relationships.
Focus on what you can control
Shift attention from blame to agency. Ask yourself, “What is one thing I can do differently right now?”
Reconnect with your values
In difficult moments, pause and ask, “What kind of partner, father, or person do I want to be here?”
These steps are not about getting things right all the time. They are about slowing down, regulating emotions, and responding with intention rather than reacting on impulse.
An Invitation to Reflect
This blog is an invitation for men to rethink what strength looks like, and reflect on the messages you may have inherited about masculinity, responsibility, and emotional control, and to consider whether these ideas still serve you and the people you care about.
For women—partners, mothers, daughters, this reflection is not about being responsible for men’s change, nor about carrying the emotional labour of fixing what is not yours to fix. Rather, it is an invitation to consider what you hope for the men you love, and the kind of relationships that feel safe, respectful, and life-giving for you.
For children and teenagers, it is an invitation to grow up with a broader, kinder understanding of what it means to be strong. It is a reminder that emotions are not something to suppress or be ashamed of, and that asking for help is part of learning how to cope and not a sign of weakness.
When men, women, and young people are all invited into reflection, change does not rest on one person or one role. It becomes shared and relational. This is how cycles of silence are broken, and how healthier ways of relating are slowly built.
If these reflections feel familiar or close to home, support is available. Speaking with a counsellor can offer a space to slow things down, make sense of what is happening, and explore healthier ways forward for yourself and for those you care about. You may book a session with me at The Counselling Place to take a first step toward meaningful change and stronger relationships.