Love Maps: Our Internal World in a Relationship
Counsellor / Parenting Coach
Love Maps: Our Internal World in a Relationship
Many couples talk every day yet feel increasingly misunderstood. Over time, assumptions replace curiosity, conversations become task-focused, and emotional distance quietly grows. Counsellor, Lim Swee Chen, explores the powerful concept of Love Maps, developed by Dr. John Gottman, and how updating them helps couples rebuild emotional closeness, deepen understanding, and stay connected through life’s changes.
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Love Maps describe how well partners understand each other’s inner world, including emotions, stressors, values, dreams, and needs. They are a core concept in Dr. John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House model.
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As life changes, partners often rely on assumptions instead of curiosity. Without updating understanding, couples begin responding to who their partner used to be, not who they are now.
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Updating Love Maps increases empathy, reduces misunderstandings, and strengthens emotional safety, allowing couples to feel seen, heard, and valued.
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Love Maps should be revisited continuously through everyday conversations, especially during life transitions such as parenting, career changes, illness, or major stress.
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Yes. Couple therapy provides a structured, supportive space for partners to explore emotional needs, reduce assumptions, and rebuild emotional closeness using evidence-based tools.
When couples first meet, curiosity comes naturally. We ask questions without effort and pay attention in a way that feels easy and instinctive. We want to know the small details that make the other person who they are. How they take their coffee. What their family is like. What excites them and what quietly stresses them out. In the early stages of a relationship, getting to know each other is often the main focus, even when we are not consciously trying to do it.
As time passes, this curiosity often fades. Not because love disappears, but because familiarity takes over. Daily routines settle in and life becomes fuller with work, family, and responsibilities. Many couples begin to assume they already know their partner. They stop checking and stop asking. Thoughts like “I know how they will react” or “we have talked about this before” slowly replace genuine curiosity.
Over time, partners may still talk every day but feel increasingly misunderstood. Conversations become practical and task focused, centred on schedules, responsibilities, and problem solving. What gets lost is attention to each person’s internal world. Miscommunication starts to happen not because couples are not communicating, but because they are responding based on old assumptions. Gradually, unspoken feelings build up and emotional distance can grow, even in relationships that look stable from the outside.
This is where the idea of Love Maps becomes especially important. The concept comes from the Sound Relationship House model developed by John Gottman. Love maps refer to how well we understand our partner’s internal world as it is now. This includes their thoughts, emotions, stressors, values, and hopes. Love maps are not something we build once and keep forever. They need to be updated as people change and as life unfolds.
Why Love Maps Matter More Over Time
Many couples believe that the longer they are together, the less effort is needed to understand each other. In reality, long term relationships require ongoing updating. Life experiences such as career transitions, parenting, health concerns, ageing parents, financial stress, loss, and personal growth all influence how someone experiences themselves and the relationship.
When love maps are not updated, partners may relate to each other based on who their partner used to be, rather than who they are becoming. This can create frustration and confusion. One partner may feel unseen, while the other may feel they are trying but still missing the mark. Often, the issue is not lack of care, but lack of current understanding.
From Knowing to Assuming
A common shift in long term relationships is moving from knowing to assuming. Assumptions feel familiar and efficient, but they also reduce curiosity. When we assume, we stop asking questions and listening closely. We interpret instead of clarifying. Over time, this creates emotional blind spots and distance. Love maps invite couples to slow down and return to curiosity, reminding us that understanding our partner is an ongoing process.
The Different Areas of a Love Map
Love maps go beyond surface level facts. They include many aspects of a person’s internal world. Below are key areas that couples often benefit from revisiting.
1. Emotional World:
Emotional needs and responses change over time. What once felt comforting may no longer feel enough.
Questions that help explore this area include:
What has been emotionally heavy for you lately
What emotions do you find hardest to express
What helps you feel emotionally safe with me
When you are stressed, do you prefer space or closeness
What makes you feel appreciated right now
2. Stress and Mental Load:
Stress strongly affects how couples interact. Many recurring conflicts are actually stress driven rather than relationship driven.
Helpful questions include:
What is taking up most of your mental space right now
What worries do you carry quietly
What feels draining these days
What helps you unwind after a long day
3. Values and Meaning:
Values shape priorities and decisions. They can also shift with life stages.
Questions to revisit include:
What feels most important to you at this stage of life
What do you want more or less of right now
What values do you want to live by as a couple
What feels non negotiable for you at this point
4. Dreams, Hopes, and Fears:
Love maps also include how partners relate to the future.
Questions to explore include:
What are you quietly hoping for
Is there a dream you have put aside
What worries come up when you think about the future
What would a meaningful life look like for you in the next few years
5. Identity and Personal Growth:
People continue to grow throughout adulthood. Growth that is not shared can lead to emotional distance.
Helpful questions include:
How do you feel you have changed in recent years
Is there a part of yourself you miss
Is there something new you are curious about
Where do you feel most like yourself right now
6. Relationship Needs and Expectations:
This is often where assumptions cause the most strain.
Questions to revisit include:
What helps you feel loved these days
What do you wish I understood better about you
What helps you feel close to me
When we disagree, what feels supportive and what feels difficult
Love Maps as an Ongoing Practice
Updating love maps does not require long or intense conversations. Often, it happens in everyday moments, during a walk, over a meal, or before sleep. Simple questions like “How has your week been emotionally” or “Is there anything weighing on you lately” can strengthen connection. The aim is not to fix, but to understand.
When love maps become outdated, couples may experience misunderstandings, emotional distance, or a sense of drifting apart. They may feel they are talking more but connecting less. Rebuilding love maps does not mean returning to the beginning of the relationship. It means meeting each other again as you are now.
A Final Reflection
Strong relationships are not built on assumption. They are built on ongoing curiosity. Love maps remind us that understanding our partner is not something we achieve once. It is something we continue to practice. The question is not whether you know your partner, but whether you are still learning them.
If you and your partner feel distant, overwhelmed by change, or unsure how to reconnect, you do not have to navigate it alone. Couples therapy or relationship counselling can help you understand what has shifted and rebuild emotional closeness with support grounded in research and empathy. You can book a session with me at The Counselling Place to take a first step toward reconnecting.