How Do I Motivate My Child or Teen? A Practical Guide
by Ho Shee Wai
Director / Registered Psychologist
How do I Motivate My Child or Teen? A Practical Guide
Every child wants to do well—when they feel they can. If your child or teen seems “unmotivated,” it’s usually not laziness. It’s a signal: I’m overwhelmed, unsure, or exhausted. Psychologist, Ho Shee Wai offers calm, practical steps to rebuild motivation at a pace that actually works—without shouting matches or endless nagging.
-
That’s okay to start. We’re teaching the body that effort leads to relief. Over time, we transition to intrinsic motivators: progress, competence, and choice.
-
Quality beats quantity. Two focused 20-minute blocks can outperform two distracted hours. Start small; sustain longer.
-
Firm boundaries are useful; shaming isn’t. Calm, consistent structure works better than threats—especially for anxious or sensitive teens.
One of the most common requests I received from parents is to motivate their child or teen. Parents often express frustration at their child’s or teen’s inactivity and unproductivity. “I wish they are more hardworking”, “I wish they just do something than lying around scrolling their phone”.
Why motivation looks “missing”
When a young person isn’t starting, sustaining, or finishing tasks, it’s rarely about willpower. It’s about capacity, clarity, and conditions. The most common motivation blockers are:
1) Not knowing how to structure time
Executive functions—planning, sequencing, estimating time—are still developing in children and teens. Without a scaffold, tasks feel like fog. Parents can provide guidance in teaching them these skills in steps.
What parents can do:
Replace “Go study” with a 3-part plan:
Start: “Set a 20-minute timer for Math Q1–5.”
Middle: “Take a 5-minute stretch or water break.”
End: “Send me a photo of Q1–5. We’ll decide the next small step together.”
2) Discouragement over failure or fear of failure
If your child’s or teen’s experience in trying often ends in being “not good enough,” the brain protects itself by not starting. Procrastination and avoidance reduces anxiety—temporarily.
What parents can do:
Normalize attempts: “This is practice, not performance.”
Praise effort and process, not just outcome: “You chunked it into 5 questions—smart move.”
3) No clear goals to aim for
“Do better” is too vague to motivate. Children need concrete targets and visible progress to build momentum. For teens, helping them to have a vision of their bigger goals (e.g., college or career) can help them to have clarity and something to work towards.
What parents can do:
Convert goals into 1–2 visible “wins” per day (e.g., “Finish English summary (150 words) and pack your bag for tomorrow”).
Career guidance with a professional psychologist or career coach for your teens.
4) Instant gratification loops
Short dopamine hits from phone scrolling or gaming is crowding out slower rewards (study, projects). This is not bad or good — just stronger in the moment which is something parents need to be aware of.
What parents can do:
Flip the loop: work → quick reward → work. Example: 20 minutes work, 5 minutes scroll capped by a second timer.
5) Tiredness/fatigue
Sleep debt, screen late at night, and long schedules in the day can drain motivation. A tired brain resists effort. For parents then it is important to monitor your child’s or teen’s sleep and rest time.
What parents can do:
Get your child or teen to guard one of the “anchor routine”: lights out at a realistic hour OR no screens 45 minutes before bed. Pick one; keep it for 2 weeks.
6) Depression & other mental health challenges
Low mood (depression), anxiety, ADHD, learning differences, or autistic burnout can look like “no motivation.” For these, pushing the child or teen harder rarely works but providing appropriate support does.
What parents can do:
Watch for red flags (see below) and seek professional psychological assessment if needed.
Give compassion first, strategy second.
A helpful lens: Autonomy, Competence, Relatedness
Motivation grows where the child or teen’s three needs are met:
Autonomy: “I have a say.”
Competence: “I can do this.”
Relatedness: “I’m supported, not judged.”
When we design routines that protect all three, the nervous system is safer—and effort becomes possible.
A calm, evidence-informed plan (2-Week Reset)
Step 1: Relationship before routine
Use a gentle start-up to reduce defensiveness. Say “I’m on your team. I notice studying feels heavy right now. Can we test small changes together for two weeks and see what helps?”
Step 2: Define one anchor target per day
Trade huge to-do lists for one priority task + one optional.
Priority: “Science worksheet Part A (Q1–6).”
Optional: “Pack sports bag.”
Step 3: Chunk and time-box
Set a 20–5–20 rhythm (work–break–work).
Place materials before the timer starts.
End each block by circling what’s done (visible progress matters).
Step 4: Reduce friction in the environment
Keep only required items on the desk.
Use a “distraction parking lot” sticky note (jot down random thoughts to handle later).
Put phones on Do Not Disturb and out of reach during work blocks.
Step 5: Rewards that teach (not bribe)
Pair effort with a brief, predictable reward: stretch, music, a snack, 5-minute scroll. The message that you are trying to send is: effort is followed by relief—a body truth they can trust.
Step 6: Daily 3-minute review
At the end of the day, ask two questions only:
“What helped today?”
“What should we adjust tomorrow?”
Keep your tone curious, not corrective.
Practical scripts parents can use (and teens can accept)
When plans change:
“Change is hard for my brain too. Let’s pick the smallest piece we can still do—10 minutes—and call it a win.”
When they’re stuck:
“Let’s start together for 3 minutes. I’ll be your warm-up buddy, then I’ll step out.”
When they finished something small:
“I notice you started even though you didn’t feel like it. That’s real resilience.”
When mood is low:
“I’m not here to push. I’m here to sit with you and figure out the next gentle step.”
Age-tuned guidance
Upper Primary (9–12 years old)
Use visual schedules and checklists.
Keep work blocks to 15–20 minutes.
Tie routines to anchors (after dinner = 1 block).
Lower Secondary / Early Teens
Co-create a weekly map (school, CCA, rest).
Introduce choice: where to study, which subject to start with.
Use visible trackers (tick boxes beat mental lists).
Mid–Late Teens
Link goals to personal meaning (courses, skills, income, autonomy).
Emphasise effort → feedback → iteration (adult pattern).
Teach implementation intentions: “If 8:00–8:25 is Math, then I put my phone in the hall and open Q1 first.”
Red flags: consider professional support
Persistent low mood, irritability, or withdrawal for >2 weeks
Drastic sleep/appetite changes
Panic, self-harm thoughts, or sudden risk-taking
School refusal or frequent somatic complaints (e.g., stomach aches)
Strong suspicion of ADHD, learning differences, or autistic burnout
If any of the above sounds familiar, please reach out. Counselling or therapy is not about “fixing” your child; it’s about creating safety, skills, and sustainable routines for the whole family.
For Singapore families: gentle realism
Between schoolwork, CCA, tuition, and commuting, many teens are simply tired. Motivation grows when we protect sleep, trim non-essentials, and acknowledge effort. Choose one routine to guard (bedtime, morning prep, or a quiet hour on Sunday). Keep it for two weeks. You’ll feel the difference.
How we at The Counselling Place can help
Assessment & game plan: A Psychological Assessment can clarify whether mood (depression), anxiety, ADHD, learning differences, or executive function are playing a role in your child or teen being unmotivated.
Parent coaching: Our parenting coach and help with scripts, boundaries, and calm communication—tailored to your child or teens.
Child or Teen counselling sessions: Our psychologist, counsellor, or parenting coach can meet with your child or teen and provide anxiety tools, task-start strategies, and habit design they actually use.
Family counselling session: Our therapists can negotiate family agreements which are short, realistic routines that hold under stress.
You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here to help—online or in-person in Singapore. Ready to help your child find momentum—gently? Book a consult (in-person, Singapore, or online) with our team. Evening and weekend slots available.