Building Your R.A.F.T.: A Proven Goodbye Ritual for Smooth Life Transitions
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
Building Your R.A.F.T.: A Proven Goodbye Ritual for Smooth Life Transitions
Change, whether planned or unexpected, can stir up a storm of emotions. The R.A.F.T. method—rooted in psychological research—offers a structured way to say goodbye, heal, and move forward with clarity. Learn the four steps to end well and start your next chapter with strength and grace.
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The R.A.F.T. model, created by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken, is a four-step process—Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, Think Destination—that helps people manage change with emotional clarity and resilience.
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By addressing unresolved emotions, expressing gratitude, and creating a clear vision for what’s next, R.A.F.T. reduces anxiety and helps you adapt more quickly.
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No, it’s useful for any major life change—job shifts, divorce, retirement, or children leaving home.
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You can do R.A.F.T. individually, as a couple, or as a group. The method works best when you personalize each step to your unique situation.
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Skipping steps can leave emotional “loose ends” that affect your ability to bond in your new environment.
Change can come at any time. When change is imposed we can feel frantic and unsettled, looking for some balance as quickly as possible. Being retrenched, having an unexpected break up, or following a spouse who is getting relocated are possible unplanned changes in adult life. When we plan change, we can get excited as we imagine new beginnings, in a career advancement, an office move or a country relocation. The positive anticipation can often make it difficult to be attentive to the things that are ending – the familiar route to work, the comeraderie in the office, the home you know, the shopkeepers you encounter regularly. Whether the change is well planned or a sudden shift, when those boxes are packed and it is your final day, it is a time of closure. Despite all the forward planing the actual next steps, even the next day, might be a little like a blank slate with no real familiarity to the upcoming daily routines. It might be in this moment that you realise you didn’t really wrap things up properly. You didn’t allow yourself to feel the waves of many different emotions. Now the time has come. It is the end. The final handshake. The final hug. The smiled wave goodbye.
All change involves loss as well as gains. And despite the many benefits a change may incur, it is important to pay attention to saying goodbye. Unprocessed goodbyes can sabotage our ability to bond closely in the next chapter of our lives, especially if there are repeated changes over time. In short, change impacts our wellbeing, our sense of identity and our relationships. In this post, we will explore a four-step method for managing change in a healthy way.
Why Rituals of Closure Matter
Rituals of closure are important in providing structure to address whatever is ending and with this the possibilities for new beginnings emerge. We know that transitions aren’t just logistical—they’re also emotional. And yet there is an opportunity in every ending to mark a healthy beginning. Addressing the losses means we notice the things we will miss and honor them. These could include places, people, positions. When we don’t fully say goodbye, the grief we avoid or suppress doesn’t disappear; it hides in the background, showing up later as anxiety, numbness, resentment or difficulty connecting. Psychologists call this “unresolved grief,” and it often lingers as invisible baggage.
This matters deeply for adults navigating change—whether it‘s a job shift, a divorce, children leaving home, or moving to a new city or country. We often push forward without space to reflect, assuming time will sort things out.
Transition psychology explores how people adapt emotionally and mentally during significant life changes. For adults, these transitions—like career changes, divorce, relocation, or children leaving home—often trigger a loss of identity, routine, or relational anchors. Unlike external change, which happens quickly, internal transition unfolds in stages and can be messy and nonlinear. Without time to process what’s ending, adults may carry unresolved emotions that quietly disrupt their ability to engage fully in new environments or relationships. Recognizing this psychological shift is key to moving through change with resilience and clarity.
That’s where R.A.F.T. comes in—a four-step model (Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, Think Destination) developed by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken. It creates intentional closure, reducing stress and preparing you to emotionally transition ready to form new, healthy relationships. This model has been used in international school settings where there is often a high turnover of people on a regular basis. Yet this model can also support adults through change. Research informs us that managing change well will have important outcomes for health, wellbeing and relationships. So whether your change involves a career move, separation, empty-nesting or migration, R.A.F.T. can be a tool to support you. Every person will have their own personal responses to change so even within a couple or family, each person can navigate their raft in a way that is personal to them.
The four components of R.A.F.T. are Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell and Think Destination.
Building yourself a R.A.F.T.
Let’s take a look at the four intentional steps within R.A.F.T. that are proven to lower anxiety and boost relational openness into the months beyond the external change, and support the internal transition and adjustment on an emotional and psychological level.
Step One: Reconciliation
What is Reconciliation? Reconciliation is all about addressing unfinished business and healing rifts. When we address these issues, we don’t feel there is unresolved conflict and that means our attention and our emotions can be more present and future focused.
How to address Reconciliation:
Make a list of lingering tensions. These can be things you may have done that hurt or let others down; or it could be that you have avoided someone because they said or did something that created distance. If you feel lingering tension, clarify what that is about and write it down.
Use “I-feel/I-need” statements to heighten your personal awareness and clarify what it is you would benefit from. It could be “I feel hurt by those words, I need an apology.” It could be you need to say that someone holds special memories for you and though you drifted apart, there are no hard feelings. It could be that you want to tell someone you forgive them.
It is very normal to have had conflicts, and some unresolved issues with people. Schedule at least one peace-making conversation. It can be so easy for us to avoid reconciling. For this first stage of R.A.F.T. to be successful, follow through with at least one conversation with another person and bring closure to the tension. Notice what changes for you when you do this. If speaking to someone directly is not feasible, consider writing a letter, an email or doing a voice or video recording. The fact of expressing yourself and conveying your message of reconciliation is the important part. By actively seeking reconciliation, you give yourself the chance to make peace, restore dignity on both sides, and release the emotional charge that lingers about this situation.
Even if full resolution isn’t possible, the act of reaching out can offer psychological closure. In the R.A.F.T. model, reconciliation is intentionally listed first, because without it, the “raft” leaks—making it harder to stay emotionally present and open in your new environment.
Step Two: Affirmation
What is Affirmation? Affirmation is expressing gratitude for people and places that shaped you.
Expressing your appreciation is important for the people you have in your life as you leave, and also for enabling new relationships in the future. Research tells us that gratitude practices trigger brain activity and impact our receptiveness to interactions with others.
Ideas for expressing your affirmations can include: Write short, specific thank-you notes that express what it is about someone that makes them special to you. This can be done for personal friends, neighbours, colleagues or anyone that you think of. This does not need to be fancy; sending a heartfelt email is possible. Handwritten cards can be especially meaningful for closer relationships. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself for writing long eloquent messages. A brief, genuine note that tells someone they are important to you and made a difference goes a long way.
Share memories aloud at a farewell gathering, or use a portion of a meeting to talk about the ways you will remember this time. Acknowledging people by sharing memories, achievements, or common challenges deepens bonds and ensures others are recognised for being important in your experiences, even as you step away.
Take a photo, journal or record a voice memo to memorialize affirmations and express how you feel. It may not always be possible to pack everything up and take it with you. Curating affirmations for yourself could be a small momento to carry forward with you.
Step three: Farewell
What is a good Farewell? The Farewell step involves saying tangible goodbyes to people, places, pets, and possessions.
Research summarised by the American Psychological Association (2019) gives insight into how a stated farewell or goodbye party marks us in a psychological way, showing that ending a phase in a well-rounded way causally promotes positive affect and a constructive transition. We feel more at peace and that the chapter has closed in a good enough way when we say goodbye, moving on without regrets, rather than slip off because we feel uncomfortable.
Saying Farewell can include a wide range of activities: Hosting friends or colleagues for a farewell event; planning “last visits” to meaningful spaces and taking the time to experience this with all five senses; creating a small ritual such as planting a tree, ringing a bell, signing a memento or blowing out a candle. Most importantly, allow the mix of emotions that are bound to present themselves at this juncture. Journal or talk about both the sadness or grief and the anticipation. These coexist in change, they are not one or the other.
Step four: Think Destination
What does it mean to Think Destination? It is now time to visualize and prepare for what’s next—logistically and emotionally.
When we think about our destination and imagine our new situation we are sketching a vision that can support our transition, reducing anxiety as we step into new routines bit by bit. Thinking destination is best done with some realistic information, so researching and knowing some facts is important. We can then create from there, such as:
sketching a “first-week map” of key contacts, routines, and spaces; research and identify at least one new community group to join or learn about then send an introductory email;
identify potential obstacles that might arise such as using a new language, navigating the bus route, or introducing yourself to many new people.
Create a toolkit of resources listing two coping strategies for each challenge, ensuring that these tools are readily accessible and familiar to you.
R.A.F.T. is a process for supporting you through change. These four steps provide an opportunity to both end well and ensure an openness to start well in whatever your change entails.
Reconciliation clears the air → Affirmation reinforces the good → Farewell releases attachment → Thinking Destination channels energy forward.
As with any well structured sequence, the power of R.A.F.T. lies in completing all the steps. Skipping steps is like setting sail without plugging leaks—eventually the water seeps in.
Here is a quick-start checklist to help you in building your R.A.F.T.
List names requiring reconciliation
Draft three gratitude messages
Schedule two tangible or symbolic farewells
Block time for a “destination research” session
If you are in the midst of change, I hope that R.A.F.T. can guide you through a structured goodbye, making mental room for the transition process and being able to embrace vibrant new opportunities ahead. If you’d like support with your transition, I would be happy to hear from you. Book in a session with me!