Asking Questions as a Strategy to Build Cooperation and Problem Solving in Your Child
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
Asking Questions as a Strategy to Build Cooperation and Problem Solving in Your Child
Instead of telling your child what to do, try asking questions that spark thinking, problem solving, and confidence. Discover how curiosity-based parenting builds independence and strengthens your bond with Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Paula Brunning.
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They are open-ended, respectful questions that help children reflect, reason, and make their own choices — a Positive Discipline approach that encourages independence.
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Telling can create resistance or dependency, while asking promotes cooperation, confidence, and problem-solving skills.
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Start with simple daily interactions. Replace commands with prompts like “What’s your plan?” or “How will you handle that?”
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Yes. Teens crave autonomy — asking questions rather than instructing them builds trust, reduces power struggles, and supports self-regulation.
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Be patient. Silence is part of thinking. Model curiosity by staying calm and interested in their perspective.
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Parent coaching helps you learn communication strategies rooted in Positive Discipline, improving cooperation, boundaries, and emotional connection.
Have you ever found yourself on repeat telling your child what happened (i.e., what they did wrong), what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, what they should learn from it, and what they should do about it? Although well meaning, this approach can lead to a lot of frustration and often a poor relationship. Being told what to do has a small role in parenting but is very limited in helping a child learn. It often prevents the parent from gaining insight into the child’s thinking, and leaves a vacuum of confidence in both parent and child that the child is capable of solving problems for themselves.
I believe we all wish that our children can make good decisions that keep them safe and help them lead fulfilling, productive lives. The skills needed to develop into that competent young adult are numerous and understandably take time to nurture. One way to foster this from a young age is to encourage children’s own thinking by taking a step back from being the director.
In this post we will explore the many benefits to asking questions rather than telling our children what to do, as a way to foster their skills and demonstrate respectful communication through which parents will learn a lot about their child.
The ideas shared here are taken from the Positive Discipline model developed by Jane Nelson. Find out more about this model at https://www.positivediscipline.com/.
In positive discipline, asking is more effective than telling because it encourages children to think, problem-solve, and take ownership of their actions, while telling can hinder their development of independence and decision-making skills. The term they use is ‘curiosity questions’ which are described as helping children explore the consequences of their choice, rather than imposing consequences on them. This helps to focus on solutions and supports a child to explore what is important to them.
Asking questions respects a child’s ability to reason and builds trust between parent and child, whereas telling provides a quick fix but can limit long-term skills.
Let’s look at the skills developed though asking questions
Asking encourages critical thinking:
Asking questions shifts the focus from the parent giving an order to the child thinking through a situation and finding their own solutions.
Asking builds independence:
When you ask questions like, “What were you trying to accomplish?”; or “What ideas do you have for a solution?”, you are showing faith in the child’s ability to solve problems.
Asking fosters problem-solving skills:
Asking questions teaches children to reflect on what happened, how they feel, and what they’ve learned, rather than just following instructions.
Asking strengthens the relationship:
Asking questions creates a sense of cooperation and connection, building trust and respect between the child and parent.
What are the impacts of telling?
Telling provides immediate compliance:
It can feel more efficient in the short term to tell a child what to do.
Telling hinders long-term development:
Telling doesn’t give children opportunities to think for themselves and can lead to a reliance on external direction.
Telling can create distance:
Constantly telling can put a distance between people and doesn’t foster the same sense of community or trust as asking does.
Telling doesn’t teach internal motivation:
Children learn to act based on what they are told, rather than developing their own internal sense of responsibility and self-discipline.
The impact of telling and not asking is cumulative, and I often see the challenges of this within families when children become pre-teens. The natural developmental stages of developing confidence in one’s own skills can be limited resulting in poor self-esteem and an unhealthy compliance because they feel the need to please others. Pre-teens and teens who aren’t provided experience with questions that guide their choices often feel they are misunderstood and not trusted by their parents, and experience a growing sense of frustration or even anger at the constant instructions. Not having a voice in matters can result in them not wanting to tell their parents about difficulties that arise in their life. A sense of inadequacy can impact adjusting to independent circumstances with confidence, and can become a significant disconnect between parent and child when teens make decisions about future options, for example when leaving home to begin university.
Here are a few examples of the differences between telling and asking. Which sounds more respectful? Which supports a sense of capability? Which leads to problem solving?
| Telling | Ask |
|---|---|
| "Clean your room now!" | "When do you think you can get your room cleaned up?" or "What's the first step to getting your room tidy?" |
| "You shouldn't have done that." | "What were you trying to accomplish?" or "How did that turn out?" |
| "Say you're sorry." | "How do you think your friend feels right now?" or "What can you do to make things better?" |
| "That was a bad choice." | "What did you learn from that?" or "How can you use what you learned next time?" |
How to get started with asking curiosity questions
In my personal and professional experience, parents often want to tell a child what comes next in their day, particularly around homework, chores and daily routines.
Prompting a child about what comes next through questions can create more calm and peace, increase a child’s planning skills and reduce negative interactions that might inadvertently occur if several reminders are given. For teenagers especially, being told what to do can often lead to lack of compliance and at the same time send a signal that they are incapable.
Ideas for questions that prompt next steps in daily routines:
What’s your plan for this?
What do you think you need to do next (to finish homework, chores, getting packed…)?
How would you like your evening/morning to feel when this is done?
What might get in the way of you finishing this? And what can you do about it?
How will you know you are done and ready for (the next thing - eg. reading before bed)?
Questions will not suddenly turn your child into a self-regulated, self-motivated, problem solver. It is a strategy to use repeatedly to encourage them towards this. It is a skill that builds over time, both in the asking and in the problem solving. Be patient with yourself and your child. Should you feel additional support would be helpful, reaching out for parent coaching can be a very empowering opportunity as you grow new skills.
Asking curiosity questions embraces a long term view. The ultimate goal of parenting is to raise children into kind and capable adults. When we take the time to ask and build problem solving competencies in our children, we are investing in them for their future. An added benefit is a deeper understanding of their thinking and respectful interactions which lead to greater connections.
I will leave you with this list of Positive Discipline curiosity questions that you can use to guide your child, and as parents these can be useful to reflect on in our own parenting journey:
What were you trying to accomplish?
How do you feel about what happened?
What did you learn from this?
How can you use what you learned in the future?
What ideas do you have for solutions now?
Looking to build more cooperation and confidence in your child? Book a Parent Coaching Session at with me at The Counselling Place Singapore to learn how curiosity-based parenting can strengthen trust, independence, and problem-solving skills in your home.