Debunking 8 Sexual Myths That Quietly Hurt Intimacy

by Dr Martha Tara Lee

Sex Therapist & Relationship Counsellor

Debunking 8 Sexual Myths That Quietly Hurt Intimacy

We live in the information age—yet sexual myths still shape what happens in the bedroom. This guide by Sex Therapist & Relationship Counsellor, Dr Martha Tara Lee, dismantles eight big misconceptions with research-based truths you can actually use, so you can swap shame for confidence and build deeper intimacy.

• Is there a “normal” sex frequency for couples?

  No. Aim for mutually satisfying frequency; quality and alignment matter most.

• Can vibrators or toys cause numbness?

  Not permanently. Vary patterns and intensity; toys can enhance sensitivity and communication.

• What if my libido is lower than my partner’s?

  Use “low-pressure touch” dates, expand definitions of intimacy, and schedule check-ins.

• Is kink safe?

  With informed consent, boundaries, safewords, and aftercare—yes. Start low-risk and learn together.

• Is masturbating daily unhealthy?

  Only if it disrupts responsibilities, relationships, or causes distress. Otherwise it can be healthy.

• Does ethical non-monogamy harm relationships?

  It can work with clear agreements, honesty, and STI-safety plans—similar satisfaction to monogamy when done ethically.

• Are older adults still sexual?

  Many are. Techniques may shift; lube, pacing, and health reviews help maintain comfort and pleasure.

• What counts as “real sex”?

  Any consensual, pleasurable activity you define together—penetration is optional.

We live in the information age, yet sexual misconceptions continue to thrive. I’ve noticed this paradox throughout my years as a relationship coach: despite unlimited access to information, accurate sexual knowledge remains surprisingly elusive.

Why do these myths persist? Social media amplifies clickbait over science. Cultural taboos prevent honest conversations. And frankly, many of us feel too embarrassed to ask questions, fearing judgment about something “we should already know.”

Even sexual experience doesn’t guarantee understanding. As I often say, doing something repeatedly doesn’t mean you’re doing it well or truly understand it. Let’s tackle eight persistent sexual myths with evidence-based truths that can transform your intimate life.

Myth 1: “There’s a “Normal” Amount of Sex Everyone Should Have”

I hear this concern constantly: “Are we having enough sex?” People worry they’re falling short of some magic number that defines a healthy relationship.

✅ Truth:

Research by Muise et al. (2016) found that couples having sex once weekly reported the highest relationship satisfaction, but more frequent sex didn’t necessarily improve happiness. What matters most isn’t frequency but whether both partners feel satisfied with their sexual connection.

The pressure to meet an arbitrary standard often creates anxiety that actually diminishes desire. Instead of asking “how much is normal,” ask: “Are we both fulfilled by our sexual connection?” A couple having sex monthly but feeling deeply connected may have a healthier sex life than one having unfulfilling sex daily.

Myth 2: “Masturbating a Lot Means I’m a Sex Addict”

This myth carries unnecessary shame for many people who enjoy self-pleasure.

✅ Truth:

Self-pleasure is a normal expression of sexuality practiced by most adults—over 80% of men and 60% of women (Das et al., 2022). The concept of “sex addiction” itself remains controversial in the scientific community. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) states there’s insufficient evidence to support “sex addiction” as a clinical disorder (Ley, Prause, & Finn, 2014).

Masturbation only becomes problematic when it interferes with daily responsibilities or relationships. Otherwise, it’s a healthy way to understand your body, relieve stress, and enhance your sexual wellbeing.

Myth 4: “Having Sex Often Means Your Sex Life is Good”

Many assume that frequent sex equals a great sex life.

✅ Truth:

Research in The Journal of Sex Research found that sexual variety, mutual enjoyment, and emotional connection were stronger predictors of relationship satisfaction than frequency alone (Pascoal et al., 2018).

A fulfilling sex life depends more on mutual enjoyment, variety, and emotional connection than how often you do it. Emotional intimacy outside the bedroom creates the trust necessary for vulnerability and exploration in bed.

Myth 5: “Kink is Wrong or Abnormal”

BDSM and other kink practices are often pathologized despite being common aspects of human sexuality.

✅ Truth:

Research by Wismeijer & van Assen (2013) found that people who practice BDSM scored better on certain indicators of mental health than those who don’t. They exhibited lower neuroticism, higher subjective well-being, and were more open to new experiences and conscious of their sexual needs.

Consensual kink allows many people to explore power dynamics, sensation, and trust in ways that can actually strengthen relationships. The key elements—explicit consent, clear boundaries, and ongoing communication—are principles that benefit any sexual relationship.

Myth 6: “Non-Monogamy is Wrong and Doesn’t Work”

While monogamy works wonderfully for many, it’s not the only valid relationship structure.

✅ Truth:

About 20% of Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy (CNM) at some point (Haupert et al., 2017). Studies find people in these relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, trust, and commitment as monogamous couples when practiced ethically (Moors et al., 2021).

The success of any relationship structure depends on communication, honesty, and mutual agreement—not on following a prescribed social model. Both monogamy and non-monogamy can be healthy when they align with everyone’s values and boundaries.

Myth 7: “Older Adults Shouldn’t Have Sex – There’s an Expiry Date”

This myth reflects our culture’s uncomfortable relationship with aging and sexuality.

✅ Truth:

Research shows over half of adults 65+ remain sexually active, with those who do reporting better physical and emotional well-being (Lindau et al., 2007).

While bodies change with age, pleasure and intimacy remain important throughout life. Aging may require adaptations—more direct stimulation, longer arousal periods, or lubricants—but many older adults report deeper, more satisfying sexual connections due to self-knowledge and emotional maturity.

Myth 8: “If You Can’t Have Vaginal Sex, You’re Doing It Wrong”

This penetration-focused definition of “real sex” excludes many people and limits pleasure.

✅ Truth:

Most women (about 75%) don’t reliably orgasm from penetration alone, requiring clitoral stimulation (Lloyd, 2005). Sexual pleasure comes in countless forms—manual stimulation, oral sex, frottage, mutual masturbation, and many other expressions beyond penetration.

For people with vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, or other conditions that make penetration difficult, understanding that intimacy comes in many forms can be liberating. Expanding your definition of sex often leads to more satisfying encounters for everyone.

Final Thoughts: Breaking Free from Sexual Myths

These myths don’t just misinform—they create unnecessary shame and anxiety. By challenging these misconceptions with evidence-based understanding, we can build healthier relationships with our bodies and partners.

If you’re struggling with intimacy issues or navigating sexual concerns, I can help.

With my training in sex and relationship coaching, I offer guidance that is evidence-based, judgment-free, and tailored to your unique needs.

Let’s break free from myths and embrace sexuality with confidence.

References

Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E. A. (2016). Sexual frequency predicts greater well-being, but more is not always better. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 7(4), 295-302. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550615616462

Rowland, D. L., Kolba, T. N., & McNabney, S. M. (2020). A seemingly paradoxical relationship between masturbation and sexual satisfaction. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1097-1103. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01640-8

Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). Women’s vibrator use in sexual partnerships: Results from a nationally representative survey in the United States. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 36(1), 49-65. https://doi.org/10.1080/00926230903375677

Pascoal, P. M., Narciso, I., & Pereira, N. M. (2014). What is sexual satisfaction? Thematic analysis of lay people’s definitions. Journal of Sex Research, 51(1), 22-30. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2013.815149

Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943-1952. https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12192

Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424-440. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675

Lindau, S. T., Schumm, L. P., Laumann, E. O., Levinson, W., O‘Muircheartaigh, C. A., & Waite, L. J. (2007). A study of sexuality and health among older adults in the United States. New England Journal of Medicine, 357(8), 762-774. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMoa067423

Lloyd, E. A. (2005). The case of the female orgasm: Bias in the science of evolution. Harvard University Press.

Ley, D. J., Prause, N., & Finn, P. (2014). The emperor has no clothes: A review of the “pornography addiction” model. Current Sexual Health Reports, 6(2), 94-105. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11930-014-0016-8

Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Schick, V., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). Sexual behavior in the United States: Results from a national probability sample of men and women ages 14-94. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(5), 255-265. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02012.x