Gaslighting Parents: How to Recognize the Signs, Understand the Impact, and Begin to Heal
by Shifan Hu-Couble
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
Gaslighting Parents: How to Recognize the Signs, Understand the Impact, and Begin to Heal
Gaslighting is a subtle but powerful form of psychological manipulation. It happens when someone makes another person question their own memories, perceptions, or sense of reality. Over time, the victim begins to feel confused, anxious, and dependent on the person who is gaslighting them.
When gaslighting happens in a parent–child relationship, the impact can be especially damaging. Because children naturally rely on their parents to make sense of the world, being told repeatedly that their feelings or memories are “wrong” can deeply shake their sense of self and trust in their own reality.
What Gaslighting Looks Like in Parenting
Gaslighting doesn’t always come from a place of cruelty or intention to harm. Some parents genuinely believe they’re protecting or teaching their child. But whether intentional or not, gaslighting is emotionally abusive — and its effects can linger for years.
Common gaslighting behaviors from parents include:
Dismissing or belittling emotions (“You’re too sensitive.”)
Contradicting memories (“That never happened.”)
Rewriting history (“You always overreact like this.”)
Blaming the child for things beyond their control (“If you had listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened.”)
These interactions chip away at a child’s confidence and self-trust, leaving them unsure of what’s true or how they really feel. According to the American Psychological Association, relational gaslighting erodes emotional stability and creates long-term psychological distress.
The Different Faces of Parental Gaslighting
1. Emotional Gaslighting
This happens when a parent invalidates a child’s emotions — telling them they shouldn’t feel sad, angry, or scared. Even phrases said with good intentions, like “It’s not that bad” or “You’re fine,” can make a child doubt the validity of their own feelings.
Over time, emotional gaslighting teaches children to suppress their emotions and distrust their inner world. As adults, they may struggle to name what they feel or fear that expressing emotion makes them weak.
2. Narrative Gaslighting
In this form, a parent distorts or rewrites past events to maintain control over the “family story.” For instance, they might insist that an incident of harsh punishment “was just discipline” or that a painful experience “didn’t happen the way you remember.”
This manipulation erodes a child’s sense of identity and makes it difficult to trust their own memories — often leading to confusion, guilt, and a shaky sense of self.
3. Personal Gaslighting
Here, the parent undermines the child’s character or abilities. They may call the child “lazy,” “dramatic,” or “selfish” when the child is simply expressing needs or boundaries. This repeated messaging slowly damages the child’s self-esteem, making them believe they are inherently flawed.
Why Parents Gaslight
Understanding why gaslighting happens doesn’t excuse it, but it can help you make sense of your experience.
Learned behavior: Many gaslighting parents grew up in homes where manipulation and denial were normal. Without awareness, they repeat what they know.
Desire for control: Some parents use gaslighting to maintain authority and dominance, especially if they feel threatened by their child’s growing independence.
Narcissism: Parents with narcissistic traits may gaslight to preserve their self-image. Admitting fault threatens their sense of being “the good parent,” so they rewrite reality instead.
Insecurity or shame: For some, gaslighting protects them from guilt or failure. It’s easier to shift blame onto the child than to face their own mistakes or vulnerabilities.
Misguided protection: Occasionally, parents gaslight out of love — to shield their child from pain or disappointment. Yet this “protection” teaches the child that truth is unsafe and emotions are something to be denied.
The Long-Term Impact
Children raised by gaslighting parents often become adults who question their every thought and feeling. They may struggle with:
Chronic self-doubt
Anxiety or depression
Difficulty setting boundaries
A deep fear of being “too sensitive” or “too much”
Challenges trusting others — or themselves
Even as adults, hearing familiar invalidating phrases can trigger confusion and self-blame.
Healing from Parental Gaslighting
Healing begins with awareness and self-compassion. Recognizing that your parent’s behavior was manipulative — even if unintentional — helps you stop internalizing the blame.
Here are some practical ways to start rebuilding your sense of self:
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Boundaries are a way of saying, “I value myself enough to protect my peace.” Communicate your limits clearly and calmly, even if your parents resist.
You might say:
“I’m not comfortable talking about that right now.”
“That’s not how I remember it.
“Please don’t dismiss my feelings — they matter to me.”
In some cases, reducing contact or limiting emotional topics may be necessary for your well-being.
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Gaslighting thrives on confusion. Try journaling or writing down events after they happen to help you stay anchored in your truth. Over time, this helps you rebuild confidence in your perceptions.
When faced with denial or distortion, you can respond calmly:
“That may be how you remember it, but my experience was different.”
“We don’t have to agree on what happened.”
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Gaslighting can take a toll on your mental health. Create regular moments of calm and connection — whether through exercise, art, meditation, or time with people who affirm you.
One study found that reading fiction can temporarily help people escape emotional pain and restore balance — but long-term healing requires emotional support and self-compassion.
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Gaslighting isolates. Reconnecting with supportive friends, loved ones, or a therapist helps restore trust in your own perspective. Therapy can be especially powerful — it provides a validating space where your feelings and memories are taken seriously.
Remember: It Was Never Your Fault
Many adults who grew up with gaslighting parents carry a deep, quiet shame. They wonder if they were “too sensitive” or “made things up.” But this is internalized gaslighting — the echo of a parent’s voice that still lives inside. You deserved honesty, empathy, and validation. You still do. Healing from gaslighting takes time, but every step you take toward trusting your own experience — every “No, that’s not what happened” you say — is an act of reclaiming your truth.
If you recognize yourself in this article, know that you’re not alone. The path toward healing begins with believing your own reality again — one grounded in compassion, clarity, and self-trust.
About the author
Shifan is an experienced counsellor, parenting coach and psychotherapist at The Counselling Place Singapore. With expertise in trauma and parenting issues, she supports clients in English, Mandarin, and Cantonese.
Shifan integrates talk therapy with body-based modalities like EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. Her unique blend of corporate and therapeutic experience empowers individuals, couples, and parents to navigate cross-cultural relationships, heal childhood trauma, and foster secure attachments.