What to Say to Your Toddler When You’re Emotionally Overwhelmed

by Anne Ueberbach
Assistant Director / Counsellor

What to Say to Your Toddler When You’re Emotionally Overwhelmed

As parents, we’ve all been there – moments when stress peaks, emotions run high, and the line between patience and frustration gets thin. When you’re worked up, overwhelmed, or emotionally depleted, it’s easy to let an angry outburst slip out, followed by parental guilt. But toddlers learn from what they hear, and those words can shape their sense of safety, love, and boundaries. So what can you say instead of lashing out? Here are some alternatives that help you stay grounded while connecting with your little one.

The Fear of “Parenting Wrong”

The fear of parenting wrong is a shadow that follows many parents, creeping in with doubts about every choice, every word, and every reaction. It's the worry that a misstep could shape a child's future in ways you can't control, that a lapse in patience or a wrong decision might leave a lasting mark.

This fear can whisper "not good enough" in the quiet moments, making parents question their instincts, compare themselves to others, or obsess over 'what-ifs'. Yet, in this struggle lies a truth: parenting isn't about perfection. It's about connection, learning alongside your child, and being present in the messy, beautiful journey. Embracing imperfection allows space for growth – for both you and your little one.

What to Say When…

…you feel overwhelmed

• Instead of: "Stop doing that"

  Say: “I need a minute to breathe. Can you help me by playing quietly for a bit?”

This teaches children that adults have feelings too, and it’s okay to express them (emotional honesty). It redirects behaviour calmly by involving your child in a solution, which invites cooperation rather than sparking resistance. By asking for their help, you’re showing your child they have a role in solving problems. Framing it as a need for a break reduces confrontation. It’s not about stopping “bad” behaviour but about you needing space to reset. Your child sees you expressing a need, and they learn to consider others’ feelings in return.

…you’re frustrated with their behaviour

• Instead of: “You’re being so naughty!”

  Say: “I see you’re having big feelings. Let’s find a way to do this together.”

It acknowledges your child’s emotions rather than labelling their behaviour in a negative way. This validates their experience and lets them know their feelings are seen and understood (empathy!). By focusing on "big feelings", you’re helping your child recognise and name their emotions, which is a key part of emotional intelligence. This approach also reduces shame and blame, lowering the chance of escalating the situation.

…you’re emotionally depleted

• Instead of: "Leave me alone!"

  Say: “I need a cuddle and a break. Can we sit together quietly?”

It expresses your need for a break in a way that still invites closeness with your child, rather than pushing them away. By framing it as needing a "cuddle" – even if you’re feeling overwhelmed – you’re maintaining connection and showing your child that affection isn’t conditional on your mood. Asking to "sit together quietly" models a way to take a break that still involves your child, teaching them about co-regulation of emotions and avoids sending a message of rejection ("leave me alone").

…boundaries are being tested

• Instead of: "No screaming in here"

  Say: “Let’s use our inside voices. We can try to whisper.”

It redirects the focus from what not to do to what to do. This frames the expectation positively, guiding your child toward the desired behaviour rather than simply telling them what’s not allowed. By using "inside voices", you’re teaching your child about boundaries. Saying "Let’s use a whisper" invites cooperation by phrasing it as a joint action, making it feel like a team effort rather than a command.

…you need to pause a moment

• Instead of snapping at them to stop

  Say: “I’m feeling really stressed right now. Let’s pause and take three big breaths together.”

It openly communicates your emotional state to your child, modelling how to express feelings in a clear way. By saying "Let’s pause", you’re de-escalating the situation and creating a break in the tension, which helps both you and your child calm down. Inviting your child to take "three big breaths together" teaches them a practical calming strategy and encourages co-regulation – where your child mirrors your calmness.

…after the moment has passed

• Instead of ignoring how you reacted

  Say: “I got upset earlier. Sorry about that. I love you even when things get hard.”

It models accountability by acknowledging that you lost your cool, showing your child that everyone makes mistakes. Apologising for your behaviour teaches your child that it’s okay to say sorry when you’ve hurt someone, fostering empathy and repair in relationships. By adding "I love you even when things get hard", you’re reinforcing that love isn’t conditional on perfect behaviour – yours or theirs. This reassures your child of your love in the face of conflict or mistakes, building security in your relationship.

The Payoff

Using these phrases doesn’t mean you’ll never lose your cool again – parents are just humans. But choosing words that connect rather than cut down builds trust with your toddler. It teaches them about emotions, boundaries, respect, collaboration and self-expression – all while helping you navigate the wild ride of toddlerhood with a bit more calm.

Managing Anger and Emotional State as a Parent

In addition to the above strategies, you can also work on managing your anger and emotional state by building awareness, practicing self-care, and using practical strategies in the moment. Managing emotions is a useful skill you can build to help you find more calm in the chaos.

Here are 5 strategies to help you manage your emotions:

1. Recognise Triggers: Identify what pushes you toward anger – stress, toddler tantrums, noise? Use the HALT method to check in with your needs – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

2. Pause Before Reacting: Use the STOPP method to interrupt automatic reactions and to choose a controlled response instead. Stop, Take a breath, Observe your thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations; Plan a thoughtful response, and Proceed.

3. Use Calming Techniques: Use mindfulness and grounding techniques like deep breathing, counting to 10, guided imagery, or a quick walk to calm your nervous system.

4. Practice Self-Care: To feel equipped to handle the day (and your toddler), make sure you fulfil your basic needs of sleep, food, and water. Carve out tiny moments for yourself throughout the day, or take time for your hobbies and personal interest.

5. Talk About It: Share feelings with a partner, friend, or through parent coaching or counselling in Singapore. Venting helps release tension.

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About the author

Anne is a a compassionate and experienced counsellor at The Counselling Place Singapore, who empowers her clients to thrive amidst life's challenges. Her expertise across Singapore and Australia spans mental health, career coaching, and multicultural dynamics, informed by her own expat experience and diverse family background.

Anne creates a warm and non-judgmental space for growth and transformation. Her empathetic approach supports individuals, families, and expats navigating life's challenges and transitions