What Are Attachment Styles — and Why They Matter in Love
by Soolin Choi
Counsellor / Career Coach
What Are Attachment Styles — and Why They Matter in Love
Attachment styles quietly shape how we love, how we argue, and how close we allow ourselves to be. Most people don’t realise that many of their reactions in relationships—pulling away, overthinking, seeking reassurance, shutting down—can be traced back to early relational experiences that taught them what to expect from others. Find out from Counsellor, Soolin Choi how these patterns were once survival strategies, not character flaws. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about learning the emotional language you’ve been speaking all along, and discovering how to build safety, closeness, and connection in a way that actually fits the way your nervous system works.
-
An attachment style is a pattern your nervous system learned early in life about how safe it feels to depend on others. It influences how you express needs, how you react to conflict, and how comfortable you feel with closeness. It’s less about personality and more about the emotional strategies you developed in childhood to stay connected or protected.
-
People rarely notice their attachment style until they find themselves repeating the same emotional dance with partners—seeking reassurance, withdrawing, overexplaining, or shutting down when things feel too close. These reactions aren’t random; they’re leftover protective strategies. Once couples understand the pattern, they often realise the conflict isn’t about “who’s right,” but about two nervous systems trying to feel safe.
-
Absolutely. Many couples who start off anxious–avoidant, or with mismatched needs, learn to create a secure bond together. The shift usually begins with awareness, slower communication, and small moments of repair. In therapy, I often see insecure patterns soften once each partner understands what the other is actually afraid of.
-
Yes—attachment is not fixed. With consistent emotional safety, supportive relationships, and sometimes therapy, people move toward what’s called “earned secure attachment.” It’s a gradual process of recognising triggers, regulating emotions before reacting, and learning to communicate needs without fear of rejection or overwhelm.
-
Start by paying attention to how you respond in moments of closeness or conflict—those reactions tell a story. Notice what feels threatening, what feels comforting, and what you tend to avoid. You can also explore this with a counsellor, who can help connect the dots between early experiences and present-day patterns, and guide you toward more secure ways of relating.
Many people ask me why some people seem calm and secure in relationships, while others worry, overthink, or pull away when things get too close? Why do some couples communicate with ease, while others keep repeating the same cycle of arguments and distance? The answer often lies in something called attachment style — the emotional blueprint we carry from our earliest relationships into adulthood.
How These Patterns Form
Attachment theory was first introduced by British psychologist John Bowlby, who believed that humans are wired for connection.
As infants, we are completely dependent on our caregivers — we cry to be held, fed, or soothed. When those needs are met in a consistent, predictable manner, we learn that the world is safe, that others can be trusted, and that we are worthy of love.
But when our caregivers are distant, inconsistent, or frightening, we develop different strategies to cope with that uncertainty. These coping strategies, repeated over time, become our attachment patterns — ways we regulate closeness, express needs, and protect ourselves in relationships. Attachment is like the emotional script you learned long before you could read.
Later in life, these early patterns surface in subtle, sometimes surprising ways. These patterns often show up in how we handle intimacy, conflict, and emotional vulnerability. We might not remember every early experience, but our nervous system does. Understanding your attachment style isn’t about blaming your parents or labelling yourself. It’s about learning the language of your own emotional needs — and how to create safety in love.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
1. Secure Attachment: “I can depend on you, and you can depend on me.”
Securely attached adults are comfortable with both closeness and independence. They can express their feelings openly, trust others, and repair conflicts without losing connection. In childhood, they likely had caregivers who were consistently responsive — attuned to their emotional cues and quick to offer comfort. They learned: “When I reach out, someone is there.”
As adults, securely attached people believe both “I am lovable” and “Others are reliable.” They handle disagreements without catastrophising, set healthy boundaries, and assume goodwill in their partners. It doesn’t mean they never feel insecure — they simply have a stronger emotional anchor that helps them return to balance after conflict.
2. Anxious Attachment: “Do you still love me?”
Anxiously attached adults crave closeness but often fear that love might be withdrawn. They may read silence as rejection, worry when their partner seems distant, or feel uneasy when not reassured. As children, they often had inconsistent caregiving — sometimes warm and attentive, other times distracted or unavailable. The child learned that to get love, they might need to cling, cry louder, or anticipate the caregiver’s moods. That early uncertainty becomes adult hypervigilance: “I have to work hard to keep love.”
In relationships, this might look like:
Overthinking texts or tone changes
Needing frequent reassurance
Difficulty relaxing when alone
Taking a partner’s withdrawal personally
Their deep fear is abandonment — and they seek connection as a way to soothe that anxiety. A client once told me she panics if her partner doesn’t reply within 20 minutes.
3. Avoidant Attachment: “I don’t need anyone.”
Avoidantly attached adults value independence and self-sufficiency. They often appear calm and in control, but emotionally, they keep their distance. They grew up with caregivers who were emotionally unavailable — perhaps loving in practical ways (providing food, shelter, or education) but uncomfortable with vulnerability or affection. The child learned: “If I show need, I’ll be ignored or shamed — better to rely on myself.”
As adults, avoidant individuals may:
Downplay feelings or needs
Withdraw during emotional conflict
Feel uncomfortable with too much intimacy
Seem detached or dismissive of their partner’s emotions
Their core belief is “Depending on others is risky.” What looks like coldness is often self-protection — an effort to avoid the pain of disappointment.
4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: “Come close, but don’t get too close.”
The disorganized style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies. These individuals crave intimacy but fear it at the same time. Their early caregivers were often both a source of comfort and fear — for example, unpredictable, abusive, or neglectful. The child learned: “I want love, but love hurts.”
As adults, they may:
Alternate between closeness and withdrawal
Fear rejection while also fearing engulfment
Struggle with trust and emotional regulation
Feel torn between wanting connection and fearing loss of control
They often long for love deeply but don’t feel safe when they receive it — a painful inner conflict that can create push–pull dynamics in relationships. Avoidant partners sometimes feel physically tense when conversations turn emotional.
Why Attachment Styles Matter in Love
Attachment isn’t just a psychological concept — it’s a relational language. It influences:
How you express needs (“Can I tell my partner I’m hurt?”)
How you handle conflict (“Do I fight, flee, or freeze?”)
How you interpret your partner’s behaviour (“Do I assume the best or fear the worst?”)
How you give and receive love (“Can I trust affection without anxiety or withdrawal?”)
When two people with different attachment styles come together — say, an anxious and an avoidant — their needs can collide. The anxious partner seeks closeness to feel safe, while the avoidant partner pulls away to feel safe. Each person’s coping strategy triggers the other’s fear. This pursuer–distancer cycle can leave both feeling misunderstood:
“I’m chasing you because I love you.”
“I’m withdrawing because I feel overwhelmed.”
Once couples understand this dynamic, they often realise they’ve been fighting for safety, not against each other.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes — Attachment isn’t destiny, but it certainly leaves footprints. While early experiences shape us, the human brain is remarkably adaptable. Through new relational experiences, self-awareness, and counselling or therapy, people can move toward secure attachment, often called “earned security.” I’ve always found it remarkable how quickly relationships improve once both partners understand these patterns.
Here’s how that journey begins:
Awareness:
Recognising your attachment triggers and patterns.
Emotional regulation:
Learning to calm yourself before reacting impulsively.
Communicating needs:
Expressing vulnerability directly rather than through protest withdrawal.
Choosing safe relationships:
Being with people who respond with empathy, not judgment.
Therapeutic support:
Working with a counsellor can help heal early attachment wounds and create corrective emotional experiences.
Every moment of emotional safety — being heard, validated, and held with care — reshapes the nervous system to trust again.
A Compassionate Closing Thought
A note I often share with clients: Your attachment style doesn’t define your worth or your capacity to love. It simply reflects the emotional strategies you developed to stay safe in your earliest relationships.
The anxious partner is not “too much.” The avoidant partner is not “cold.” The disorganized partner is not “broken.” Each one is doing their best to protect a tender part that once felt unsafe.
Love becomes healing when we start to understand these parts — when we offer ourselves and our partners the compassion we needed as children. In the end, secure attachment isn’t about never feeling insecure — it’s about trusting that love can hold us even when we do.
Understanding your attachment style is the first step toward more stable, fulfilling relationships. If you’re ready to explore these patterns and learn practical ways to create secure connection with your partner, schedule an appointment with me.