Why Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard — And How to Build Real Connections
Counsellor / Parenting Coach
Why Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard — And How to Build Real Connections
Feeling lonely as an adult isn’t a failure — it’s a reality many face but rarely discuss. Counsellor, Lim Swee Chen, explores why making friends in adulthood is so hard, and offers practical, hopeful steps to build genuine connections.
-
Adults face busy schedules, fewer natural meetups, and fear of vulnerability. Unlike in school, building friendships requires intentional effort.
-
Join activities with shared interests, make the first move, and focus on curiosity. Even small interactions can grow into deeper connections.
-
Remember, it’s not personal. People have their own life pressures. Celebrate your effort — connection takes patience and persistence.
-
Yes, therapy offers a safe space to explore relationship patterns, build confidence, and learn practical tools to connect with others.
In therapy or counselling conversations, it’s not uncommon to hear clients say things like, “I feel lonely,” “I don’t know where to meet new friends,” or “I’m not as close to my old friends anymore.” About 7 out of 10 of my clients share struggles around maintaining friendships, deepening connections, or finding new friends — especially those who are expats or living away from their home countries.
We live in a world that is more connected than ever before — social media, messaging apps, and virtual meetups allow us to stay in touch across distances. About 1 in 3 adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely, even when they’re connected online. Many adults feel lonelier as they grow older. The casual friendships of school or university days give way to the demands of careers, family life, and personal growth. And while our schedules fill up, our emotional circles often shrink.
Today, we’ll explore why friendships are harder to maintain in adulthood, how we can build new ones or deepen existing ones, and how to cope with the inevitable setbacks when connections don’t grow the way we hope.
Why Is Making Friends So Hard as an Adult?
1. Life Becomes Busier and More Complex
Between work, family responsibilities, moving cities, and managing personal wellbeing, many adults find themselves stretched thin. Spontaneous meetups and hours-long conversations that were common in youth become rare luxuries.
Friendships require time and energy — two resources that often feel scarce in adulthood.
2. Fewer Natural Opportunities
In school, university, or early jobs, we are surrounded by peers at similar life stages. Shared classes, hobbies, or living spaces created easy opportunities to bond.
In adulthood, those structured environments disappear. People move into different life phases at different speeds — marriage, parenting, career changes — making it harder to find shared rhythms.
3. Fear of Vulnerability
Building deeper friendships often requires vulnerability — sharing hopes, struggles, and insecurities. As adults, many have experienced past betrayals or rejections, making them understandably cautious about opening up again.
4. Online “Connection” Replaces Depth
While online platforms allow us to stay updated on people’s lives, they often offer a surface-level connection rather than emotional intimacy. Scrolling through updates isn’t the same as feeling truly seen and supported.
5. Cultural and Relocation Challenges (Especially for Expats)
For those living abroad, cultural differences, language barriers, and the transient nature of expat communities can make finding and maintaining friendships even harder. Many friendships are short-lived as people move in and out of countries.
How to Build New Friendships (and Strengthen Old Ones)
While forming adult friendships takes more intentionality, it is absolutely possible — and often incredibly rewarding. Here’s how to start:
1. Embrace Being a Beginner
Making new friends can feel vulnerable — much like dating — but it’s important to allow yourself to be a beginner again.
Start small. Attend an event alone. Join a class or group even if you don’t know anyone. It’s normal to feel awkward initially.
2. Prioritise Shared Activities
Friendships often grow more easily when they are built around shared interests. Joining activities like fitness classes, book clubs, hiking groups, or volunteer organisations naturally creates repeated interactions and common ground.
Sometimes, friendship begins simply by sharing a meal.
One of my closest friends today? I met her because I spontaneously self-invited myself to a sushi dinner. A mutual friend mentioned he was going for sushi, and I jokingly said, “I want sushi too!” and joined. Over that dinner, I connected more deeply with someone else at the table — we bonded over chatting, eating, and laughing together. We stayed close ever since, even though we eventually lost touch with the mutual friend who introduced us!
It’s a reminder: shared moments — even casual ones like sharing a meal — can spark real connection.
3. Make the First Move (or Appreciate When Someone Does)
Many adults are open to new connections — they’re just afraid to be the one to reach out. Be willing to invite someone for coffee, suggest lunch after a class, or initiate a casual hangout. Or, if someone reaches out to you — embrace the opportunity!
One of my best friendships started at the gym, where for weeks, we simply exchanged smiles and said hi and bye. It was only when she came up and asked, “What are you training for?” and I casually replied, “Life,” that we truly connected. We ended up going for dinner that same day — and the rest is history.
Sometimes, a single brave moment — whether it’s you reaching out or someone reaching out to you — can open the door to something meaningful.
4. Be Open and Curious
When meeting new people, focus on being curious rather than impressive. Ask about their experiences, interests, or perspectives. Listening deeply builds trust and helps conversations move beyond surface-level topics.
5. Create Micro-Moments of Connection
Deep relationships often start with small, consistent interactions. A smile, a short conversation, remembering someone’s name or detail about their life — these small gestures create warmth and familiarity over time.
6. Invest in Existing Connections
You don’t always have to start from scratch. Sometimes deepening existing, casual relationships can lead to meaningful friendships.
Consider reaching out to acquaintances you feel a spark with — someone you always enjoy chatting with after yoga class or during school pickup.
How to Handle Friendship Setbacks Without Giving Up
Not every connection will grow. Some people may be too busy, not share the same interests, or simply not click — and that’s okay. Here’s how to manage the emotional ups and downs of friendship-building:
1. Don’t Take It Personally
If someone doesn’t reciprocate your efforts, it’s not necessarily a reflection of your worth. People are navigating their own lives, schedules, and emotional capacities. Their unavailability often says more about their current situation than about you.
2. Manage Expectations
Friendship is a mutual journey. Not every attempt will lead to a deep bond, and that’s part of the process. Think of building friendships like planting a garden — some seeds will flourish, others may not. Keep sowing.
3. Validate Your Effort
It takes courage to reach out, to be open, and to keep trying. Acknowledge and celebrate your efforts, even when the outcome isn’t what you hoped for.
4. Keep Expanding Your Circle
Rather than focusing too narrowly on one or two potential friendships, stay open to meeting new people in different contexts. Sometimes the most meaningful friendships develop where you least expect.
5. Allow Time
Strong friendships are not built overnight. It often takes many small interactions, shared experiences, and time for trust and closeness to develop. Patience is key. Focus on showing up authentically and consistently, rather than rushing emotional intimacy.
Final Thoughts: Building Connection in a Fast-Paced World
No one really talks about how hard it is to make friends as adults. In a world that prizes independence and self-sufficiency, it’s easy to forget: we are wired for connection.
Craving deeper friendships isn’t a flaw — it’s human. If you’re feeling lonely or finding it hard to build close bonds, you are not broken, and you are not alone.
Adult friendships take time, patience, and small acts of courage. It’s not always easy, but it’s possible — and deeply rewarding. If you’re feeling stuck, counselling or therapy can offer a safe space to reconnect — with others and with yourself. Remember: reaching out is an act of bravery, not weakness. At The Counselling Place, we believe seeking connection is a strength, and we’re here to support you.