Redefining Teen Success: Support Their Growth Without Sacrificing Mental Health
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
Redefining Teen Success: Support Their Growth Without Sacrificing Mental Health
Is your teen chasing success—but struggling silently under the pressure? In a world of high expectations and social comparison, today’s teens need more than just grades to thrive. Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Paula Brunning, explores how parents can support their child’s journey with emotional resilience, healthy communication, and a new definition of success.
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Many teens hide their stress behind good grades or achievements. Academic pressure, social media, and the fear of failure all contribute to rising anxiety—even when they appear “fine.”
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Look for subtle signs: irritability, perfectionism, withdrawal, sleep changes, or constantly appearing “too perfect.” These can be red flags of hidden overwhelm.
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Autonomy, belonging, and purpose are key. Offer guidance and structure, not pressure. Support their goals—not yours.
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Parent coaching is a great resource to gain tools for better communication and to support your teen’s emotional wellbeing and motivation.
A few months ago, my friend Mia’s 16-year-old son came home from school unusually quiet. After some coaxing, he admitted he’d been crying in the bathroom between classes—he’d gotten a 6 (out of a top score of 7 in the IB scale) on a test, and he was terrified it would ruin his chances at a top university. Mia was stunned. She had always told him to do his best, but somewhere along the way, “best” had started to mean “perfect.”
She’s not alone. A recent US based Challenge Success survey found that over 70% of high school students report feeling stressed about schoolwork, and many suffer from anxiety, sleep loss, and burnout—even when they’re succeeding by traditional standards. The World Health Organisation reports increasing levels of mental ill health in children and adolescents with 15% suffering from a mental disorder worldwide.
When we think of our children moving into young adulthood, are we paying attending to the stresses that they are accumulating through school, social media and our own parenting? In this post, we will ask what does real success look like for our teens today? By redefining success, fostering healthy communication and preserving wellbeing, we are more likely to create a platform for the success we envision and our teens deserve.
Is Our Definition of Success Helping or Hurting Our Teens?
A traditional view of success is equated to high grades, entrance into prestigious schools and resumes packed with long lists of awards and leadership. Backed by 20 years of research, Challenge Success is a non-profit affiliated with the Stanford University Graduate School of Education. It argues that narrow definitions of success using only outcome based metrics leads to stress, disengagement and poor health. Their research suggests that measurable well-being, meaningful engagement and a sense of purpose are better predictors of future success. Their message urges parents to broaden their view of success to include having positive relationships, developing resilience, demonstrating curiosity and having balance.
With this in mind, parents can support a broader version of success in the life of their teen by pivoting their focus away of academic outcomes and towards conversations and experiences that bring their teen’s focus to learning processes, and interactions that foster joy and fulfillment. Success isn’t just a report card—it's the ability to stay balanced, resilient, and engaged with life.
Before we consider what that really looks like, let’s take a moment to understand the teen brain and stress, and why a focus solely on academic pressure and performance can be an unhealthy burden for teens.
The teen brain and stress
Information from the American Academy of Pediatrics explains that adolescents’ brains are wired for growth but are still developing decision-making and emotional regulation capacities. Chronic stress from overloaded schedules, social media and high expectations coming from schools, parents, peers or themselves impacts length and quality of sleep, mood and ultimately performance. Parents may unintentionally add pressure by over-focusing on outcomes rather than effort or well-being.
Understandably parents are unable to fully control the pressure teens face today, however, being attentive to signs of distress and helping to modify expectations can make a significant difference for your teen. Watch for withdrawal, irritability, perfectionism and sleep changes as key indicators of heightened stress. The teenage years are an imperfect exploration and if you find your teen is ‘always doing well’ they might be masking some issues that are best brought out into the open. Speak to your teen to normalise ups and downs while offering support, not solutions.
How to Build Trust and Open Communication with Your Teen
To develop resilience and brain capacity for problem solving into young adulthood, teens need opportunities to engage in open, respectful dialogue where they feel seen and safe to express opinions, brainstorm ideas and consider options. These will not always be comfortable topics, or easy messages. It is normal and healthy to experience thoughts, feelings and challenges in life and having a safe space to discuss these is critical to long term wellbeing. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends three key features of healthy communication with parents or caregivers that support this:
Active listening
communicates that they are worthy of your attention. By hearing and validating their distress, you demonstrate that their view of the world has merit. By allowing them time to decide their course of action, indicates your trust in their ability to solve problems.
Non-judgmental curiosity
means that you suspend your own opinion and refrain from inserting or correcting any facts when you listen to your teen. It is not the time to object, teach, help to solve a problem, or ask lots of questions. This is a time to let your children talk without interruptions or judgment, while you listen to what they have to say.
Warmth without overcontrol
a secret ingredient to a powerful relationship is that just by listening, your teen knows that at least one person in the world cares about them and is on their side. This will enable them to ask for help, or begin problem solving on their own.
The Center for Parenting Education defines active listening as “the single most important skill you can have in your parenting “toolbelt.” It is a specific form of communication that lets another person know that you are “with them,” aware of what they are saying, accepting of their perspective, and appreciative of their situation. You can hear their disappointment when they do not make the team; you can accept their frustration when their plans do not work out; and you can acknowledge their dissatisfaction when they complain that their friends have more freedoms than they do.” These skills support a teen to communicate more, and help a parent to shift the responsibility to their teen taking the lead on their issues while still providing support.
Avoid lecturing which is likely to limit your teen from sharing, sarcasm which makes sharing feel emotionally unsafe and minimizing feelings like suggesting that their experience is ‘no big deal’. These shut down communication and make a teen feel rejected or misunderstood. Instead focus on them by expressing empathy for what you heard, such as saying ‘That sounds really hard. Want to talk more about it?’ Teens may not always accept that invitation immediately, but it does provide a path towards healthy communication when they are ready.
Additional tips include making time for regular check-ins with your teen that do not focus on school. Talking about interests, recent events or current issues can be segways to establishing trust and open dialogue about more personal topics. Use meal times, walks or transit to ask open questions and be willing to share something of yourself so the conversation doesn’t feel like prying. Remember to regularly affirm your teens strengths and values, not just their accomplishments.
Inspire Motivation—Without the Burnout
True motivation thrives in autonomy, belonging and purpose. Ideally a parent supports their teen to identify and express their own goals while offering structure and encouragement, not fear or pressure for a singluar outcome. This can be accomplished through helping them reflect on what they care about and what energises them. The structure a parent can provide includes boundaries for downtime, sleep, social engagement and a sense of choice for preferred activities. Limiting extracurriculars, or setting a stop time for daily work so sleep can be prioritised are healthy messages for ensuring a teen is putting in effort without overdoing it.
Ensure questions focus not on outcome exclusively. For activities or sports, consider asking ‘how did you play?’ or ‘how did you feel about the experience?’ rather than ‘did you win?’ For tests, ask about things that matter in other similar situations such as ‘how did you manage your nervousness?’ or ‘what helped you to feel prepared?’
Actionable Tips for Supporting Your Teen’s Wellbeing & Success
Teens notice and value genuineness and the actions that demonstrate a true sense of care for them. To underpin success that is not just outcome oriented these tips provide practical steps to nurturing this.
Model balance in your own life by talking about your wellbeing and self-care.
Praise integrity, effort, kindness and other important qualities you value and see in your teen, not just the grades or scores they achieve.
Partner with your teen’s school to understand and support wellness policies including homework and sleep expectations.
Create family down time, fun rituals and conversations that bring shared values into focus and promote a sense of belonging.
Become informed and share information about alternatives to singular pathways post highschool, including exploring creative careers, the value of gap experiences or programs that encourage internships and industry experience.
Ensure your focus includes emotional wellness by checking in on your teen regularly, and practicing your healthy communication strategies.
When we think of success for our teens today, we can be overwhelmed with the demands they face and those we do as parents. In the short and long term, we can support them through these years of heightened demands and uncertainty by providing them with connection and compassion, fostering their personal motivation and resilience. This requires us to actively redefine our vision of our teen’s success away from a particular grade or outcome, and towards well-being, meaningful engagement and a sense of purpose. By fostering trust and using key parenting skills such as active listening, we provide a space for our teen to define their own path, nurturing the skills for a resilient future and safeguard their mental health along the way.
By measuring success through actively building positive relationships, developing resilience, demonstrating curiosity and having balance in every stage of life, we will support meaningful success. Consider what this can look like in your family and how you can ease some pressure and move towards deepening your connection with your teen. Parent coaching is an option you can explore to accelerate making this shift to new approaches to supporting your teen. Reach out if that appeals to you. Book a parent coaching session to get personalized tools for strengthening communication, reducing burnout, and building resilience at home.