When Intimacy Is Chosen — But Not Wanted
Sex Therapist / Relationship Counsellor
When Intimacy Is Chosen — But Not Wanted
Sex Therapist & Relationship Counsellor, Dr Martha Tara Lee, explores the psychology of consensual unwanted sex — situations where intimacy is chosen but not truly desired, and where consent exists without genuine wanting — how intimacy can become a form of obligation, why desire fades in these dynamics, and what it means for emotional and relational wellbeing.
-
Consensual unwanted sex refers to sexual activity that a person agrees to despite not experiencing desire. While consent is present, the lack of genuine wanting often leads to emotional, physical, and relational distress over time.
-
Yes. Research suggests consensual unwanted sex is relatively common in long-term relationships, especially where intimacy becomes tied to obligation, conflict avoidance, or maintaining emotional stability.
-
Consent is an agreement to participate; desire is an internal experience of wanting. A person can consent to sex without desire, but repeated experiences of this can negatively affect sexual and relational wellbeing.
-
For many people, saying no feels emotionally risky due to fears of conflict, withdrawal, disappointment, or relational instability. In these cases, sex becomes a way to manage closeness rather than express desire.
-
Counselling or therapy can help individuals and couples explore patterns of obligation, attachment, and emotional safety, and support the return of agency and authenticity in intimacy.
One of the most confusing experiences people bring into therapy is this:
“I say yes to sex, but I don’t really want it.”
There is no obvious violation. No force. No clear wrongdoing. Consent, technically, is present. And yet something doesn’t sit right.
This is not the same conversation as low desire caused by exhaustion or by trust slowly wearing down. It’s about what happens when intimacy becomes a way of maintaining stability in a relationship rather than expressing desire. Over time, sex becomes something that is agreed to, not wanted. This kind of pressure isn’t about what has happened in the past — it’s about what’s expected right now.
This is the psychology of compliance in intimate relationships — and it has a cost.
1. When intimacy becomes something you manage rather than inhabit
For people who regularly agree to sex they don’t truly want, intimacy often becomes a monitored experience.
They are present, but split. One part of them is participating; another is tracking, adjusting, and managing the situation — their partner’s reactions, their own responses, how long it lasts, whether it’s “enough.”
People describe it like this:
“I’m very aware of myself the whole time.”
“I’m checking whether I seem engaged.”
“I’m watching it happen rather than being in it.”
This kind of spectatoring doesn’t usually begin with anxiety alone. It often develops when sex is something someone feels they should be doing. When intimacy is entered through obligation rather than desire, attention shifts from sensation to performance.
The body stays alert, controlled, and compliant — not open.
Research has linked this self-monitoring to reduced arousal and satisfaction, particularly when sex is tied to evaluation rather than genuine choice (Masters & Johnson, 1970; McCabe et al., 2016). Over time, this split attention makes desire harder to access, even when the person wants to want sex.
2. Consent and desire are not the same thing
A central issue in these dynamics is the confusion between consent and desire.
Adults consent to many things they don’t want: work demands, family obligations, social commitments. In relationships, sex can quietly become one of them — especially when saying no feels complicated.
People say yes for reasons that make sense:
to avoid conflict
to preserve closeness
to reassure a partner
to prevent distance
Over time, this creates a pattern of consensual unwanted sex — sex that is agreed to, but not desired. Research suggests this experience is common in long-term relationships and is associated with lower sexual and relational wellbeing over time (Willis et al., 2019).
The difficulty is that the body doesn’t respond to logic. Even when the mind says, “This is fine,” the nervous system may register pressure. Repeatedly overriding one’s own signals can slowly teach the body that intimacy is something to endure rather than seek.
3. When saying no feels more dangerous than saying yes
This is where obligation becomes entrenched.
In some relationships, saying no feels emotionally risky. Not because a partner is overtly coercive, but because refusal carries consequences — disappointment, withdrawal, tension, or emotional distance
People often say:
“I don’t want to deal with the fallout.”
“It’s easier to go along with it.”
“I don’t feel like no is really an option.”
Attachment research helps explain this pattern. When closeness feels conditional, people may prioritise connection over authenticity (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Sex becomes a form of peacekeeping — a way to stabilise the relationship rather than express desire.
Over time, this dynamic affects both partners. The person complying often feels unseen or resentful. The partner initiating may sense the lack of enthusiasm and feel rejected anyway. Intimacy continues, but mutual trust erodes. Sex no longer brings closeness; it manages distance.
4. The cost of consensual unwanted sex over time
Early on, people often minimise what’s happening.
“It’s not a big deal.”
“This is just what long-term relationships are like.”
“I’m being reasonable.”
Over years, the impact becomes clearer. Some people stop wanting sex altogether. Others feel disconnected from their bodies. Some begin to dread intimacy without understanding why.
Eventually, the question shifts from sex to agency:
When did I stop listening to myself?
How did my yes become automatic?
Repair, when it happens, rarely starts with technique. It starts with recognising that desire cannot return where authenticity is missing. For some couples, this opens a new conversation about safety and choice. For others, it clarifies limits that were never spoken.
Rebuilding intimacy without obligation
Healthy intimacy is not just about consent. It’s about choice, safety, and the freedom to want — or not want — without fear.
If sex in your relationship has become something you agree to rather than something you desire, that’s worth paying attention to. Not to assign blame, but to understand what intimacy has been asked to carry.
If you’re unsure how to make sense of this in your own relationship, I work with individuals and couples at The Counselling Place to explore these dynamics thoughtfully and without pressure.
You can find my profile and booking details via thecounsellingplace.com.
References (APA)
Masters, W. H., & Johnson, V. E. (1970). Human sexual inadequacy. Little, Brown & Company.
McCabe, M. P., Sharlip, I. D., Lewis, R., Atalla, E., Balon, R., Fisher, A. D., Laumann, E., Lee, S. W., & Segraves, R. T. (2016). Risk factors for sexual dysfunction among women and men: A consensus statement. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 13(2), 153–167.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Willis, M., Hunt, M., & Rogers, M. (2019). Consensual unwanted sex and sexual well-being in committed relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 48(8), 2445–2457.