How Parents Can Build Emotional Intelligence in Children Through Safe Space Responses
by Paula Brunning
Counsellor / Parenting Coach / Career Coach
How Parents Can Build Emotional Intelligence in Children Through Safe Space Responses
Parents play a powerful role in shaping their children’s emotional intelligence. When children feel safe expressing their emotions, they develop stronger resilience, empathy, and communication skills. In this article, Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Paula Brunning, explores how “safe space responses” help children understand and regulate their emotions, strengthening both their wellbeing and family relationships.
In my last blog, I shared how emotional intelligence can be fostered as a skill set. Many of us didn’t grow up learning how to speak about our emotions. Yet as parents, we can see emotions on display in our children almost immediately from birth. Being able to foster a set of skills that supports healthy awareness, understanding and response to emotions is a skill we can develop, and provides a diverse range of beneficial outcomes for our children.
In this post, I will present some reasons why parents should intentionally work to foster emotional skills, share how to be a ‘safe space’ for emotional expression and invite you to begin no matter what stage you’re at. If this is something new or daunting to you, reach out to work with us at The Counseling Place. Parent coaching provides a safe, empowering way to step into new skills.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters for Children
Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognise, understand, and manage emotions in ourselves and others. Research shows that children who develop strong emotional intelligence tend to have better relationships, improved mental health, and stronger resilience throughout life.
The reasons why parents should teach children emotional literacy are numerous, and includes building crucial life skills like empathy, resilience, and self-control, leading to better mental health, stronger relationships, improved academic performance, and healthier choices, because understanding emotions helps kids navigate challenges, communicate more effectively, and understand themselves and others.
The Benefits of Emotional Skills in Childhood
Benefits of strong emotional skills for the child include:
Stronger Relationships:
Emotional skills develop empathy, social awareness, and the ability to form meaningful connections. We learn to express ourselves, and also to understand others.
Better Mental Health:
When we can name our emotions, and recognise that the ups and downs of the human experience are layered with emotions, this helps us make sense of the world and of our response to experiences. Children with strong emotional skills have less anxiety, depression, and loneliness. These emotional skills foster confidence and self-control.
Improved Behavior:
Learning about emotions and how we deal with strong feelings can lead to more positive responses to challenges which means fewer meltdowns, less impulsivity, fewer fights, and less destructive behavior.
Enhanced Academic Success:
Emotional skills doesn’t make someone smarter, yet it can help them demonstrate their capabilities through improved
focus, concentration, and frustration tolerance, boosting school readiness and achievement.
Increased Resilience:
Emotional skills do not remove problems from life, but they equip children to handle life’s challenges, manage stress, and bounce back from difficulties.
Children that develop an understanding of emotions demonstrate key skills associated with emotional intelligence, which support overall wellbeing.
Self-Awareness which involves recognizing and labeling their own feelings
Self-Regulation which includes managing emotional responses and impulses
Social Awareness which nurtures understanding emotions in others (otherwise known as empathy)
Communication which supports expressing feelings appropriately and asking for help
Teaching Children to Identify Their Emotions
The American Psychological Association shares that parents have a key role to play in modeling and fostering emotional skills in their children:
To get to this point, we must nurture in our children a complex set of skills that are developed over time. If we can bring attention and support to this development, we will be helping our children for a lifetime.
A first step in fostering emotional skills is learning to identify emotions
Learning to name our emotions helps as a first step to understanding them. Knowing that there are a wide range of emotions, and it is normal and healthy to experience this range of differing and sometimes conflicting emotions is an essential first step.
Emotional responses are hardwired into our brain and nervous system so the responses we experience are things that make sense biologically. However, we need words to describe our experiences, whether this is a delightful or uncomfortable one. We often think about emotions as being good or bad in some way, yet even ‘bad’ emotions have important messages. To help our children respond appropriately to an emotion, we first want to create a safe space for them to share how they are feeling. Any feeling could make sense if we understand the thinking and perception of the child. From there we can help to teach appropriate responses. The term ‘Safe Space Responses’ is borrowed from TCK Training and you can learn more here.
What Are Safe Space Responses?
If we want to develop emotional literacy it’s important that we as parents are ok with having our children experience and express a full range of emotions. For them to share when they are apprehensive, concerned, angered or nervous is as important as them expressing excitement, pride, gratitude or a sense of peacefulness. What distinguishes between a parental response that feels safe to share and one that shuts down is our verbal and non-verbal communication about how acceptable that feeling is. ‘Safe Space Responses’ say that experiencing these emotions is ok. It does not allow unacceptable behaviour.
| Safe Space Responses | Shut Down Responses |
|---|---|
| Validate and hold space for feelings | Dismiss, negate, or joke about feelings |
| Encourage sharing, permit all feelings | Correct or object to what is shared which minimizes the child’s experience or perspective |
| Build connection as the child feels seen and heard | Discourage or redirect the conversation before acknowledging the feeling |
| Accept and sit with discomfort, allow for difficulties to be | Create emotional distance |
| Ask permission before advising, show confidence in child’s abilities | Attempt to fix or resolve or quickly move past the ‘problem’ feeling |
Safe Space Responses sound like reassurance and understanding. These responses help foster trust, emotional safety, and healthy processing of feelings. The parent as listener shows that they recognise and value what is being shared.
● “Tell me more about that.”
o Invites sharing without judgment or fixing.
● “That sounds really hard/confusing/sad/exciting.”
o Validates the feeling.
● “I’m so glad you told me.”
o Reinforces trust and courage in sharing.
● “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
o Provides emotional safety and consistency.
● “It makes sense you feel that way.”
o Affirms their experience without overanalyzing.
● “Would you like me to just listen, or help you problem-solve?”
o Clarifies needs and gives control back to the speaker.
● “Thanks for sharing how you feel and helping me understand.”
o Demonstrates humility and willingness to learn how your child sees things.
Shut Down Responses do the opposite, as they offer a judgement or a lack of interest, or neglect to see the perspective of the child and how they are viewing the situation. These can come from good intentions because we want to protect our child from difficult feelings, or happen because we are busy or preoccupied. However if we limit what our child shares emotionally, it can lead to withdrawal, minimization, or shame. Over time, it may show up as avoidance to share, unclear communication, attempts to please or other repeated communication challenges like outbursts.
● “Other people have it worse. You should be grateful!”
o Creates emotional distance, compares which may lead to hurt and shame, minimizes feelings especially ‘unacceptable’ feelings such as difficulty, grief or loss.
● “Don’t feel that way.”
o Invalidates the emotion. The silent message is to suppress that feeling.
● “That’s not such a big deal.”
o Trivializes their experience. May cause shame.
● “You’re being too sensitive.”
o Shames emotional expression.
● “You’ll be fine. Just move on.”
o Blocks emotional processing. Inhibits additional sharing.
● “I had it worse when I was your age.”
o Shifts the focus and reduces empathy.
● “You always do this.” or “You never…”
o Labels and reinforces a negative pattern. Generalises a specific situation.
Using safe space responses is one strategy parents can use to foster healthy emotional expression. Nurturing emotional health in our children takes persistent effort and challenges us to develop our own emotional skills and become more comfortable with emotions that might not be easy for us to feel, share or express.
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Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand, and manage emotions while also understanding the emotions of others.
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Children with strong emotional intelligence tend to have better relationships, improved mental health, stronger resilience, and better academic performance.
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Parents can support emotional development by validating emotions, modeling healthy emotional expression, and creating a safe space where children feel comfortable sharing their feelings.
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Safe space responses are supportive reactions that validate a child’s emotions and encourage open communication rather than dismissing or minimising their feelings.
Supporting children’s emotional development can sometimes feel challenging, especially if these skills were not modeled in our own upbringing. Parent coaching or family counselling can provide practical guidance and support. At The Counselling Place, our psychologists, counsellors, and psychotherapists work with parents and families to build emotional awareness, stronger communication, and healthier relationships. Book in a session with me now.