Feeling Lost After Becoming a Parent? Understanding Identity Shift

by Ho Shee Wai

Director / Registered Psychologist

Feeling Lost After Becoming a Parent? Understanding Identity Shift

Many parents don’t feel burnt out — they feel lost. Somewhere between caring for everyone else, they stop recognising themselves. This quiet identity shift — sometimes called a parent identity crisis — is more common than people realise. Psychologist Ho Shee Wai explains why it happens and how you can find your way back.

Many parents feel lost after having a baby because their roles, routines, and priorities change dramatically in a short period of time. When most of your energy is directed toward caring for your child, other parts of your identity can temporarily fade into the background. Some parents describe this experience as feeling like they have “lost themselves after having a baby.”

When “Who Am I?” Becomes a Real Question

Jane* really looked forward to the birth of her daughter which did not come easily after the painful IVF process. She threw herself into parenting and strove to learn about everything. More than the post-natal depression and burnout, what bothered her the most is that she is starting to realize that she had lost a sense of who she is. Before baby was born, she relished in her high-powered job and achievement. Now life feels boring and routine with many frustrations and moments of perceived failure (not getting baby to sleep, not able to stop the baby from crying, etc.).

 Many fathers also experience identity shifts after becoming a parent.

Similarly, Mark*, a first-time father, found himself increasingly defined only by being the “provider” and problem-solver at home. Although he loved his son deeply, he began to notice a quiet loss of the parts of himself that once felt creative, spontaneous, and alive.

Fathers often describe this as a father identity change, where responsibility increases but personal identity quietly narrows.

 *Not their real names

Many parents in Singapore, including expats, share similar struggles due to long work hours, limited support systems, and high expectations around parenting. Based on clinical observations working with parents in therapy, Most parents — mothers and fathers alike — do not suddenly wake up and think “I’ve lost myself”. It’s a gradual disconnect that slips in and before you know it, you don’t recognize this person in the mirror. Who is this person whose whole life is centred around their child/children? Even if they have a job, their mind and focus of what they need to do or didn’t do for their child/children. There is no time and energy for me, hobby? What is that? Many parents describe this as a lost sense of self after baby, even when they deeply love their child.

If this resonates with you, you are not alone. This loss of identity is common and it doesn’t mean you are not doing enough (as if you have any more time or energy to do more!).

Why You Feel Lost After becoming a Parent

This experience is sometimes described as a parent identity crisis, where the role of being a parent gradually overtakes other parts of who you are. From the start, parenting requires your full attention and energy. You have this little person whose survival is totally dependent on you. It’s not surprising then that being a Parent becomes your dominant identity. This is especially so when there is a loss of your previous roles albeit temporarily on maternity / paternity leave. More than a career, what you have lost which society don’t acknowledge nor recognize is your autonomy and the ability to be spontaneous.

Add to this is the cultural expectations of being a “good parent” and all the tasks and invisible emotional labour that goes into that. As human (and not a robot), we have finite time, energy, and mind space. When push comes to shove, the first person who gets sacrificed is often yourself.

Signs You May Be Experiencing an Identity Shift as a Parent

Many parents don’t notice the shift all at once — it shows up quietly over time. For some mothers, this can show up as motherhood or fatherhood identity loss, where their previous roles feel distant or unreachable.

If you are experiencing the following, take heed, you might have lost yourself or your self identity:

• Feeling disconnected from who you used to be

• Difficulty answering “What do you want?”

• Guilt when doing things for yourself

• Feeling unseen or reduced to a role

• A sense of emptiness despite loving your child

Parent Burnout vs Identity Shift (Important Difference)

Many parents confuse this experience with exhaustion, but understanding parent burnout vs identity loss is important because they require different kinds of support. However, there are key differences:

• Burnout = exhaustion, which has implications on your capacity

• Identity loss = meaning, which has impacts on your self-concept

You can rest and still feel lost. This distinction is important because this is not something self-care can address. Yes, you do need to re-establish your “me-time” but the purpose of it is so that you can have the mind space to reflect upon who you have become and who are you now.

Why Many Parents Don’t Talk About This

This identity loss is not usually something on top of mind for parents to discuss. Even if you are in a parenting support group or baby group, this may not be what is readily shared. Why is it so?

• Shame (“I should be grateful”)

• Fear of judgment

• Belief that this is just “the season”

• Gender differences in how this shows up, especially for the father

How Counselling Helps Parents Reconnect with Themselves

In counselling or therapy, identity concerns often surface even when parents appear to be coping well externally. Counselling isn’t about choosing between yourself and your child. Counselling helps in:

• Naming identity loss without blame

• Exploring who you are now, not who you were

• Rebuilding a sense of agency

• Permission to hold multiple identities at once

Many families seek counselling for parents in Singapore when they begin noticing these identity shifts affecting their wellbeing or relationships.

You Don’t Have to Choose Between Being a Good Parent and Being You

You can still be you AND still be a good parent. Having a healthy sense of self is beneficial to parenting. It models emotional health for your child/children, it reduces resentment and emotional depletion. Many parents wait years before addressing this — and by then resentment or emotional numbness has already set in.

Common Questions Parents Ask About Identity Changes

• What is a parent identity crisis?

  A parent identity crisis happens when the role of being a parent begins to overshadow other parts of who you are. Many parents notice that their routines, priorities, and sense of purpose shift so significantly that they feel disconnected from the person they used to be. This does not mean something is wrong — it is a common response to a major life transition where responsibilities and expectations increase rapidly.

• Why do I feel empty after having a baby?

  Feeling empty after having a baby can happen when your time, energy, and attention are almost entirely directed toward caring for your child. Even when you deeply love your baby, the loss of previous roles, independence, and spontaneity can create a quiet sense of emotional space or numbness. This feeling is often related to identity adjustment rather than a lack of love or commitment as a parent.

• Is this postpartum depression or something else?

  Not always. Postpartum depression typically involves persistent low mood, hopelessness, or difficulty functioning. An identity shift, on the other hand, is more about questioning who you are now that your life has changed. Some parents may experience both at the same time, which is why it can be helpful to speak with a mental health professional who can differentiate between emotional exhaustion, depression, and identity-related concerns.

• Do fathers experience identity loss too?

  Yes. Fathers can also experience identity shifts after becoming parents, although it may show up differently. Many fathers report feeling increased pressure to provide, reduced personal freedom, and a gradual narrowing of their sense of self. Because these experiences are less openly discussed, fathers may carry the changes quietly without realising that others feel the same way.

If you’ve been feeling lost since becoming a parent, you don’t have to carry that alone. Many parents quietly struggle with identity shifts for years before seeking support. Counselling can help you reconnect with who you are while staying deeply connected to your family. Book in a session with us now!