When Sex Disappears and Nothing Is “Wrong”
Sex Therapist / Relationship Counsellor
When Sex Disappears and Nothing Is “Wrong”
When sex quietly fades from a relationship, it often brings confusion, shame, or self-blame—especially when “nothing is wrong.” Sex Therapist & Relationship Counsellor, Dr Martha Tara Lee, discusses why low desire is rarely random. More often, it’s a signal about stress, safety, emotional load, or how the relationship has changed over time. Understanding why desire disappears is the first step toward clarity, compassion, and a healthier connection.
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Sex can fade even in stable, loving relationships because desire is highly sensitive to context—stress, emotional safety, mental load, exhaustion, and changes in roles. When the nervous system is overwhelmed, the brain prioritises survival over pleasure. This can shut down libido even when the relationship itself feels steady.
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Yes. Low desire can happen without fights, betrayal, or major issues. Many people experience desire loss due to burnout, emotional fatigue, role changes (such as becoming co-parents or teammates), or a slow shift away from seeing each other as erotic partners. It’s common, but also painful and confusing, which is why understanding the root matters.
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If sex feels like “one more thing,” if you crave rest more than intimacy, or if your mind cannot switch off, it’s likely stress-related. When the body is in chronic “manage mode,” pleasure becomes difficult to access. Restoring energy, reducing overload, and rebuilding emotional space often helps desire return.
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Sometimes people avoid sex not because they lack desire, but because desire feels risky. Emotional disconnection, criticism, previous hurt, or unmet needs can make closeness feel vulnerable. Addressing the emotional safety of the relationship—not the sexual techniques—is often the key to rebuilding intimacy.
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Counselling or Therapy can help when desire discrepancies cause anxiety, confusion, or repeated tension; when you feel like teammates rather than lovers; or when intimacy feels pressured or emotionally complicated. Counselling provides a safe space to explore meaning, rebuild trust, and re-establish connection without forcing any outcome.
If you’re reading this with a quiet knot in your stomach, you’re not alone. Many couples don’t arrive at low desire after a dramatic rupture. They arrive there after a thousand ordinary days. No affair. No major betrayal. No screaming fights. Just a gradual fading that can feel confusing precisely because everything else still “works.”
In my work, I often meet people who look successful on paper and stable in life, yet privately wonder: Why don’t I want sex anymore? Sexual desire is not a simple trait you either have or lack. It’s responsive to context, meaning, safety, and bandwidth (Basson, 2001; McCabe et al., 2016). Sometimes low desire isn’t a defect. It’s information.
Below are three common ways sex fades even when nothing is obviously “wrong.” These aren’t diagnoses. They’re human experiences that often overlap.
3 Common Ways Love Fades
1. Sometimes nothing is wrong — you’re just empty
For many adults, life runs like a dashboard that never stops flashing. Work demands, family logistics, social obligations, caretaking, and decision-making can keep the mind in constant “manage mode.”
When the brain is overloaded, it becomes harder to shift into states associated with pleasure and connection (McEwen, 2007). Sex becomes “one more thing,” and the body learns to associate intimacy with effort rather than relief.
People often say things like:
“I love them, but I’m exhausted.”
“Sex feels like another task.”
“I just want quiet.”
Even well-meaning attempts — scheduling sex, pushing yourself to initiate, trying to “be a better partner” — can backfire if they add pressure rather than restore capacity. In this pattern, the question isn’t “How do I get my libido back?” It’s “What would make space for me to feel like a person again?” Desire often needs room before it can return (Basson, 2001).
2. Sometimes wanting feels like too much risk
In other relationships, the issue isn’t tiredness. It’s self-protection.
Desire requires a certain kind of safety: emotional, relational, and sometimes existential. When someone has felt repeatedly dismissed, criticised, misunderstood, or emotionally alone — especially over time — the body can learn that closeness comes with a cost.
People say:
“I don’t know why, but I can’t relax.”
“I shut down the moment things turn sexual.”
“It feels easier not to go there.”
Betrayal isn’t only an event; it can be a pattern where trust becomes less available over time (Freyd, 1996). Attachment research suggests that when closeness feels unpredictable or unsafe, people may distance or go numb to minimise vulnerability (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Couples often try to “fix sex” without addressing the conditions that made sex feel risky.
If the underlying experience is “I don’t feel safe,” then more initiation or persuasion can deepen avoidance. In this pattern, sex isn’t the problem. It’s the barometer.
A gentler question is: What has intimacy started to mean here?
3. Sometimes the relationship has changed — even if the care hasn’t
This third experience is often the hardest to name because it doesn’t come with a clear villain.
Sometimes sex disappears because the relationship has shifted from lovers to teammates. Partners may respect each other, care deeply, and function well operationally, yet the erotic thread has weakened.
People often say:
“We’re close, but not like that.”
“We’re good companions.”
“Something essential is missing.”
Desire discrepancies are common; what matters is how couples interpret and respond to them (Mark, 2015; McCabe et al., 2016). Over time, novelty, effort, or hope may no longer buffer these differences. Attempts to reignite sex can feel like acting. Some people comply out of duty; others withdraw to avoid pretending.
Here, counselling or therapy isn’t about forcing a particular outcome. It’s about clarity: what is possible, and what is being grieved.
Why trying harder often makes things worse
When sex fades, the instinct to fix it is understandable. But desire is sensitive to pressure. Autonomy — freely choosing rather than complying — matters deeply for desire (Deci & Ryan, 2000). When sex becomes a measurement of love or commitment, it often becomes harder to want.
Sometimes couples do everything “right” and still feel stuck because the issue isn’t technique. It’s meaning. Load. Safety. Or change.
The most helpful shift I see is moving from “How do we fix this fast?” to “What is this telling us?”
A final thought
The absence of sex does not automatically mean a relationship is broken. And it doesn’t always mean it can — or should — be repaired.
Often, it’s asking a quieter question: What has changed in the way this relationship is being lived?
If you’re unsure which of these experiences you’re in — or suspect it’s a mix — that’s common. And it’s hard to see clearly from the inside. If this resonates and you want support making sense of what’s happening in your relationship, you can work with me at The Counselling Place. I offer space to think clearly and honestly about intimacy and change, without pressure or rushed solutions.
You can find my profile and booking details via thecounsellingplace.com.
References
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal trauma: The logic of forgetting childhood abuse. Harvard University Press.
Mark, K. P. (2015). The relative impact of individual sexual desire and couple desire discrepancy on satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 30(2), 187–200.
McCabe, M. P., Sharlip, I. D., Lewis, R., Atalla, E., Balon, R., Fisher, A. D., Laumann, E., Lee, S. W., & Segraves, R. T. (2016). Risk factors for sexual dysfunction among women and men: A consensus statement. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 13(2), 153–167.
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.