How to Collaborate with Your Inner Critic
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
How to Collaborate with Your Inner Critic
Ever found yourself feeling defeated after a small mistake—like missing a yoga session or burning dinner—and then hearing that harsh inner voice that tells you you're not good enough? What if you could turn that critical voice into a supportive ally instead? In this blog, Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Shifan Hu-Couble, shows you how to collaborate with your inner critic, transforming it from a source of stress into a tool for growth and self-compassion. Ready to stop being your own worst enemy? Keep reading to learn how!
It’s January 1st, and you commit to a monthly yoga challenge: 15 minutes of practice every day for the whole month. You’re excited—your spirit is high. You buy a new designer yoga mat and a set of Lululemon gear. The first week feels amazing, but by the second week, the enthusiasm starts to fade. By day 19, you miss a practice. You forget, and just like that, you break your streak. How do you react? What do you tell yourself? What happens next?
Now, imagine this scenario: You’re hosting a dinner and decide to try a new recipe. You carefully follow the instructions, taking notes on helpful tips. You spend an hour preparing, then place the dish in the oven for a 4-hour slow cook. You continue working in the study, only to discover later that the dish is overcooked. The meat is burned, and the gravy is dry. You feel close to tears. How do you feel about the situation? What do you say to yourself?
These moments are where our inner critic often appears. “You should have known better,” it sneers. “How could you mess up such a simple task?” “Why can’t you stick to your goals?” “You’re useless.” “You can’t do anything right.” Our inner critic has many ways to tear us down.
It’s strange, isn’t it? We can be the most understanding and empathetic friends to others, yet we have no hesitation in being cruel to ourselves. Why is that?
Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?
Our inner critic serves a protective function. It’s a defense mechanism, which might sound strange at first. But if we trace its origins, we can often find its roots in childhood. When we made mistakes as children, many of us were met with criticism from our parents. This criticism, often wrapped in the guise of “tough love,” was meant to push us to aim higher and strive for better outcomes. As children, we internalize this voice, believing it’s a useful tool for motivation as we grow.
The inner critic may work in the short term, but it has serious limitations. If we continue to berate ourselves with every failure, eventually, we’ll become afraid of making mistakes. The fear of further criticism can make us avoid taking risks, leaving us stuck. Shaming ourselves into action is painful and unsustainable. Life is long, and we deserve a companion who supports us rather than attacks us.
What’s the Real Problem?
So, if the inner critic has helped us reach some of our goals, why is it a problem? The truth is, the way we treat ourselves often reflects how we interact with the world and with others. If your inner critic is strong, chances are, you’re critical of those around you too. This can hurt your relationships, possibly leading to feelings of isolation or loneliness. If you’re a parent, the harsh inner critic might even show up in your approach to your child. You might use the same “tough love” on them, potentially causing emotional confusion—“Mom says she loves me, but I don’t feel it.” This internal conflict can lead to stress, overwhelm, and unhealthy coping mechanisms in children, such as overeating or self-harm.
Moreover, when your inner critic is constantly lurking, waiting to pounce on any mistake, your body is often in a state of heightened stress. Your fight-or-flight response is triggered regularly, elevating your cortisol levels. Over time, this chronic stress can manifest as physical symptoms—migraines, digestive issues, autoimmune disorders, and more. In short, your inner critic doesn’t just harm your mental well-being; it can also make you physically ill.
How Can You Team Up with Your Inner Critic?
Now that we understand the intention behind the inner critic—and the harm it can cause—how do we shift our relationship with it?
The first step is acknowledging its good intentions. Take the yoga example: When your inner critic labels you as undisciplined for missing a practice, you can respond with compassion: “Hi, inner critic. I know you want me to stay disciplined. Thank you for keeping an eye on me.”
Next, you can ask your inner critic to be gentler. For example: “When you call me undisciplined, it makes me feel ashamed and ready to quit. Is there another way you can help me?” If nothing comes to mind immediately, reframe the question: What would you say to your best friend, Rachel, if she were in the same situation?
Finally, you can learn to re-parent yourself. This means treating yourself with the kindness and understanding you would have wanted from your parents. Though we can’t change our childhood, we can start re-parenting our inner child today. When you burn that dish, for instance, how would a nurturing, loving parent respond?
Conclusion: Embracing the Inner Critic as a Ally
Our inner critic, though often harsh, stems from a place of protection and a desire to help us improve. While its intentions may be well-meaning, it can easily become a source of stress, self-doubt, and even physical illness. The key to transforming this relationship is not to silence or dismiss the critic but to engage with it in a compassionate and constructive way. By acknowledging its role, gently guiding it toward more supportive language, and re-parenting ourselves with kindness, we can turn our inner critic from an adversary into an ally. In doing so, we empower ourselves to face challenges with resilience and self-compassion, allowing us to move forward with a healthier mindset and a greater sense of peace. So, instead of fighting the voice in your head, try partnering with it—and watch how much more you can achieve with both discipline and self-love by your side.
This process is not an easy one, it is best with the guidance of a professional psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist. Let me help support you in this transformative journey with your inner critic. Book in a session with me today!