Death Anxiety: What Facing Mortality Can Teach Us About Living
Counsellor / Psychotherapist / Parenting Coach
Death Anxiety: What Facing Mortality Can Teach Us About Living
Death anxiety is something many people experience but rarely talk about. When we encounter illness, loss, or uncertainty, the awareness of mortality can suddenly feel very close. Counsellor & Psychotherapist, Shifan Hu-Couble, suggests that while death can bring fear, it can also help us rediscover what truly matters in life.
Encounters with Death: Lessons from a Hospice
A few years ago, I started volunteering at a hospice. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. Like many people, most of my experiences with death had been distant or shielded. Death was something that happened in hospitals, and rarely discussed openly in everyday life.
Walking into the hospice for the first time, I remember feeling a mix of curiosity and unease. There was a quietness to the place that felt different from hospitals. People weren’t there to be cured; they were there to be cared for as they approached the end of their lives.
At first, I wondered if being around death so directly would make me more afraid of it. Instead, something unexpected happened. It slowly began to change the way I thought about life.
But the deeper layer of that reflection didn’t come until a much more personal moment arrived in my own life.
When Death Suddenly Feels Close
Not long ago, my 11-year-old son experienced a health scare. What started as symptoms that seemed minor eventually led to a medical investigation where doctors raised the possibility of a brain tumor.
In those days of waiting—waiting for scans, waiting for results—time felt strangely suspended. The mind begins to move to places it normally avoids. Thoughts you never imagined yourself thinking suddenly appear: What if something is seriously wrong? What if life changes overnight?
As a parent, there is a particular helplessness in those moments. You want to protect your child from everything, yet you are faced with the reality that some things are simply beyond your control.
It was during that period that I felt death anxiety in its rawest form. Not the abstract awareness that life is finite, but the visceral fear of losing someone you love more than anything.
The scans eventually showed that it was not a tumor. But something had shifted in me during that period of uncertainty.
Understanding Death Anxiety
Many of us carry some degree of death anxiety, even if we rarely talk about it. It can show up as fear of illness, aging, or dying. But often it appears in more subtle ways—worries about time slipping away, a sense of urgency to accomplish things, or a quiet question about whether we are truly living the life we want.
Before volunteering at the hospice, death had mostly existed as an abstract idea in my mind. Being around people nearing the end of life made mortality more visible.
But the experience with my son brought mortality into my own home. It stripped away the distance that normally protects us. And when death anxiety becomes personal, it changes the way we see many things.
Lessons from the Hospice
During my time volunteering at the hospice, I spent hours sitting with patients. Sometimes we talked about their lives. Sometimes we simply sat quietly together.
One conversation in particular has stayed with me. A patient was reflecting on his life and spoke about his career briefly. But what he lingered on were his relationships—his children, friendships that had lasted decades, and the regret of one unresolved conflict with a sibling.
What mattered most to him wasn’t the achievements he had accumulated, but the connections he had formed. This was something I heard repeatedly. People spoke about love, family, forgiveness, gratitude, and missed opportunities to say things that mattered.
Why We Avoid Thinking About Death
Despite the fact that death is the one certainty we all share, it is something many of us avoid thinking about. We soften the language. We postpone difficult conversations. We keep ourselves busy with daily responsibilities. Part of this avoidance is understandable. Thinking about death can feel frightening or overwhelming.
But the paradox is that when death remains unspoken, the anxiety surrounding it often stays quietly in the background of our lives. What I noticed at the hospice was something surprising: people who were close to death were not always the most fearful. In many cases, they seemed calmer than those outside. Perhaps because the reality was no longer something abstract.
The Existential Therapy Perspective
Existential psychology suggests that the awareness of death is not only a source of anxiety—it is also a source of meaning.
The psychiatrist and existential therapist Irvin Yalom described death as one of the fundamental concerns of human existence. When we become aware that life is finite, it can stir fear, but it can also awaken us to the importance of living intentionally. When you are faced with the possibility of losing someone you love, even briefly, your perspective sharpens almost instantly. The small frustrations of daily life suddenly feel less significant. What matters becomes very clear.
How Death Anxiety Shows Up in Everyday Life
Most people do not walk around thinking consciously about death every day. Yet the awareness of mortality still influences us.
It may appear as a restless sense that time is passing quickly. Or the pressure to “make life count.” Sometimes it shows up as anxiety about aging or health.
After the experience with my son, I became more aware of how easily we postpone what matters. We assume there will always be more time—to say something important, to repair a relationship, to slow down and be present.
But life has a way of reminding us that time is not guaranteed.
Living with Awareness of Mortality
Sometimes I think about the conversations I had with hospice patients and the clarity they expressed as they reflected on their lives.
It makes me wonder what would change if we asked ourselves those questions earlier, rather than waiting until the very end.
Questions like:
What truly matters to me right now?
Who do I want to spend more time with?
What conversations have I been postponing?
What kind of life do I want to live?
Simply asking these questions can gently shift how we live.
-
Death anxiety refers to the fear or distress that arises from awareness of mortality. It is a common psychological experience that can influence how people think about life, meaning, and relationships.
-
Yes. Many people experience death anxiety at some point in their lives, especially during illness, loss, or major life transitions.
-
Existential therapy helps people explore questions about mortality, meaning, and purpose, helping them live more intentionally rather than avoiding thoughts about death.
-
Surprisingly, research and existential psychology suggest that reflecting on mortality can clarify priorities, deepen relationships, and increase appreciation for life.
When to Seek Support
Death anxiety is not a flaw in human psychology. It is a natural response to the awareness that life is fragile and temporary.
And sometimes, when we allow ourselves to face that reality with honesty rather than avoidance, we discover that it doesn’t make life darker.
If anything, it makes it brighter.
If thoughts about mortality, illness, or loss are affecting your wellbeing, speaking with a counsellor or psychotherapist can help you explore these concerns in a supportive and reflective space.
Book a session with our team at The Counselling Place today.