 | By Anne Ueberbach Assistant Director/Registered Counsellor A red flag is a warning sign of unhealthy or toxic behaviors within a relationship. They can occur in any relationship – between friends, colleagues, family members or romantic partners. It is extremely important to know how to spot and identify red flags. While some are rather obvious, others may be a lot harder to spot. A lot of times we also simply accept red flags and normalize them, thinking things like “that’s just how this person is”. |
Common red flag
1. Controlling nature
If someone is trying to control your behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and movements, they most likely do not have your best interest in mind, but rather their own.
2. Being made to feel small & insignificant
Frequently being put down through mean comments, making us lose confidence in ourselves and our abilities. In a healthy relationship your partner should build you up, not tear you down.
3. Lack of trust and persistent jealousy
Not being trusted by your partner no matter how hard you work to gain their trust, indicates that your relationship doesn’t have a strong foundation. Trust has to go both ways in a healthy relationship.
4. Anger management issues
Anger management issues indicate that someone lacks the ability to control their emotions and responses, which can often times make us feel unsafe. This may eventually prevent us from communicating openly out of fear, and in some cases lead to verbal or physical abuse.
5. Substance abuse
Any type of substance use is a major red flag, as it limits impulse control, rational thinking and indicates unhealthy coping strategies. Not all substance use is an indicator that your relationship is toxic. It may be a sign that your partner is struggling and needs professional help.
6. Lack of external social connections
While we can’t expect everyone to have a large network of friends, not having any social connections outside of your relationship may be a red flag.
7. All types of abuse
The most commonly known types of abuse are physical psychological abuse, with physical abuse being the easiest one to identify. However there are also other types of abuse you may not have previously considered:
-technological abuse (limiting access to phone/social media, monitoring phone, demanding passwords)
-medical abuse (limiting access to medical services/devices)
-sexual abuse (forcing sexual activities, physical harm during sex or refusing to use protection)
-financial abuse (controlling financial assets, jeopardizing ability to work)
-Gaslighting (lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating and coercion, making us question our own sanity and sense of reality)
If someone is trying to control your behaviors, thoughts, beliefs and movements, they most likely do not have your best interest in mind, but rather their own.
2. Being made to feel small & insignificant
Frequently being put down through mean comments, making us lose confidence in ourselves and our abilities. In a healthy relationship your partner should build you up, not tear you down.
3. Lack of trust and persistent jealousy
Not being trusted by your partner no matter how hard you work to gain their trust, indicates that your relationship doesn’t have a strong foundation. Trust has to go both ways in a healthy relationship.
4. Anger management issues
Anger management issues indicate that someone lacks the ability to control their emotions and responses, which can often times make us feel unsafe. This may eventually prevent us from communicating openly out of fear, and in some cases lead to verbal or physical abuse.
5. Substance abuse
Any type of substance use is a major red flag, as it limits impulse control, rational thinking and indicates unhealthy coping strategies. Not all substance use is an indicator that your relationship is toxic. It may be a sign that your partner is struggling and needs professional help.
6. Lack of external social connections
While we can’t expect everyone to have a large network of friends, not having any social connections outside of your relationship may be a red flag.
7. All types of abuse
The most commonly known types of abuse are physical psychological abuse, with physical abuse being the easiest one to identify. However there are also other types of abuse you may not have previously considered:
-technological abuse (limiting access to phone/social media, monitoring phone, demanding passwords)
-medical abuse (limiting access to medical services/devices)
-sexual abuse (forcing sexual activities, physical harm during sex or refusing to use protection)
-financial abuse (controlling financial assets, jeopardizing ability to work)
-Gaslighting (lying, manipulation of reality, scapegoating and coercion, making us question our own sanity and sense of reality)
How should I react to red flags?
Spotting a red flag is not automatically an indicator that you are in a toxic or abusive relationship. However, we also don’t just want to ignore them. Red flags need to be addressed in all types of relationship regardless if they are romantic or not.
Your first step should always be to communicate openly with your partner about your concerns. As mentioned previously, not every red flag means your relationship is going to fail. Talk to your partner to find out more about their behaviors and to identify whether they were aware of it. In a healthy relationship, your partner should take your feedback on board and work with you to improve it. If needed, discuss seeking professional counselling help to help your partner address their individual struggles or see a couples’ therapist for joint concerns.
Make sure to stay true to your own needs and wants, and set boundaries in your relationship. We all have different needs that need to be met through our romantic relationships, but don’t settle for less if your needs are not met by normalizing your partner’s red flags and lack of effort. Set clear boundaries of what you deem acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors to protect yourself emotionally and physically.
Relationship red flags are very common, but again, not always proof that your relationship is indeed toxic. Reach out to family and friends for social support to discuss your concerns. You can also reach out to the counsellors/ psychologists at The Counselling Place if you are ever in doubt and require additional support. Speak to our qualified relationship and marriage therapists now to find out how relationship counselling can help you and your partner.
Your first step should always be to communicate openly with your partner about your concerns. As mentioned previously, not every red flag means your relationship is going to fail. Talk to your partner to find out more about their behaviors and to identify whether they were aware of it. In a healthy relationship, your partner should take your feedback on board and work with you to improve it. If needed, discuss seeking professional counselling help to help your partner address their individual struggles or see a couples’ therapist for joint concerns.
Make sure to stay true to your own needs and wants, and set boundaries in your relationship. We all have different needs that need to be met through our romantic relationships, but don’t settle for less if your needs are not met by normalizing your partner’s red flags and lack of effort. Set clear boundaries of what you deem acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors to protect yourself emotionally and physically.
Relationship red flags are very common, but again, not always proof that your relationship is indeed toxic. Reach out to family and friends for social support to discuss your concerns. You can also reach out to the counsellors/ psychologists at The Counselling Place if you are ever in doubt and require additional support. Speak to our qualified relationship and marriage therapists now to find out how relationship counselling can help you and your partner.
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