Counsellor / Parenting Coach
Co-Parenting After Divorce: How Parent Coaching Can Help
Do conversations about your child keep turning into arguments? Counsellor & Parenting Coach, Paula Brunning, explains how parent coaching can help separated parents communicate clearly, agree on routines and keep children out of the conflict.
Conversations about school, pick-ups or bedtime can become difficult after separation. Parent coaching can help you work towards clearer communication, more predictable routines and ways to keep your child out of disagreements.
Parenting is a responsibility we all need help with from time to time, as we navigate the different growing seasons of our children. When separation or divorce changes family life, learning to co-parent brings additional challenges. You may both want to put your children first, while finding it difficult to agree on what that means in everyday situations.
What is co-parenting after separation or divorce?
Co-parenting means sharing parenting responsibilities with a focus on what is best for your children. How this looks will differ for each family.
Finding a way to work together is not the same as being friends. A workable co-parenting relationship uses clear communication, appropriate boundaries and practical arrangements to support your children’s wellbeing.
You do not have to agree on everything. The aim is to find ways to make parenting decisions without repeatedly drawing your children into adult disagreements.
When might parent coaching help?
You might consider parent coaching when:
Conversations about your child repeatedly turn into arguments.
Pick-ups, school arrangements or changes to plans cause ongoing tension.
Expectations about routines and responsibilities remain unclear.
Your child is being asked to carry messages between parents.
You want to communicate differently but keep returning to the same disagreements.
Separation can involve grief, anger, uncertainty and practical upheaval. Parents have their own changing needs to manage while also trying to understand what their children need.
Children can experience changes to their sense of stability during this transition. Research on adverse childhood experiences includes instability associated with parental separation, but this does not mean that divorce determines a child’s future wellbeing. The focus is on understanding what children need and finding ways to support them.
Coming to clearer agreements about everyday care and reducing children’s exposure to ongoing conflict are useful places to begin. Coaching can offer support and perspective while parents work through these changes.
How does co-parenting coaching work?
It takes intentional effort to develop a co-parenting relationship. Moving forward while managing lingering hurt, anger or differences in parenting requires skills that may feel unfamiliar at first.
When joint coaching is appropriate, it provides a structured space to identify difficulties, discuss expectations and work towards practical changes. Trust may still be limited. Parents can begin by focusing on a specific problem they both need to manage.
For example, repeated arguments about late pick-ups might lead to an agreement about collection times, how delays will be communicated and what happens if plans change unexpectedly.
This solution-focused approach helps turn a broad disagreement into a more manageable question: What needs to happen next, and who will do what?
Coaching can also help parents establish when and how parenting issues will be discussed. Having an agreed process means each new concern does not have to become an unexpected confrontation.
There is no magic wand to remove the loss or distress that separation may bring. However, working towards clearer parenting arrangements can help:
Reassure children that they are not responsible for the separation.
Keep children from becoming messengers or being drawn into disagreements.
Make everyday routines and responsibilities more predictable.
Help parents approach their changing roles with greater clarity and confidence.
What can you discuss in co-parenting sessions?
When parents no longer share a home, it becomes especially important to make expectations clear. Things that once happened without discussion may now need an explicit agreement.
Topics might include:
Pick-ups and drop-offs: who collects the children, where to wait and how delays are handled.
Daily routines: expectations around homework, bedtime, meals and activities.
Communication: which channel to use, reasonable response times and what counts as urgent.
School and health information: how important updates will be shared.
Special occasions: arrangements for birthdays, school holidays and cultural or religious celebrations.
Changes to plans: how to raise a request and confirm what has been agreed.
The aim is to make responsibilities transparent and reduce avoidable misunderstandings. Parents may have different approaches, but children benefit when the adults are clear about the arrangements that affect them.
For a broader overview of what to consider, read our guide to creating a co-parenting plan. Coaching can support the practical and emotional conversations involved; legal advice about custody, access or enforceable arrangements should come from a qualified lawyer.
Finding it difficult to move from repeated arguments to workable arrangements? Explore parent coaching at The Counselling Place.
Five ways to communicate more clearly with your co-parent
Learning a different way to communicate takes practice. These steps can help you prepare for parenting discussions and keep them focused.
1. Prepare before the conversation
It is understandable to feel worried about discussing parenting with someone whose relationship with you has changed so significantly. When stressed, we can forget what we wanted to say or react before we have considered our response.
Before raising an issue, write down:
What needs to be discussed.
How it affects your child.
What you are asking for.
Which alternatives you could consider.
Try to address one issue at a time. A conversation about Friday’s collection time is more manageable than a conversation about everything that has gone wrong.
2. Listen before responding
Listening involves giving the other person time to explain their concern before preparing your reply.
Try to check what they mean rather than jumping to a conclusion. You might ask:
“Are you saying that the current collection time is difficult because your work schedule has changed?”
Understanding the concern does not mean agreeing with every request. It gives you a clearer starting point for deciding what to do.
3. Use “I” statements and make a specific request
“I” statements describe your own needs and feelings without telling the other person what they think or intend.
For example:
“I need confirmation of Friday’s collection time by Thursday evening so I can arrange childcare. Can we agree on a time?”
This gives the other parent something specific to respond to. Keep the focus on the current issue and the arrangement you need.
4. Restate what you have heard
Briefly reflecting back what the other parent has said can help prevent misunderstandings:
“You can collect her this Friday, but you need a later time. Have I understood correctly?”
Restating shows that you have listened. It does not mean you have agreed to the proposal.
Once you reach an agreement, summarise the practical details so you both understand what will happen.
5. Bring the discussion back to your child
Once the problem is clear, consider what your child needs and which options are realistic.
For example, an upcoming business trip may require a change to the usual schedule. The discussion can focus on maintaining care, school attendance and familiar routines, rather than revisiting past disagreements about work or commitment.
Sometimes the most workable solution will be less convenient for one or both parents. Keeping the discussion specific makes it easier to consider those choices.
What if communicating directly makes things worse?
The most helpful communication method will differ between families.
Some parents manage brief, planned conversations well. Others find that written communication gives them time to consider their response and keeps arrangements clear.
If conversations regularly escalate, you might need to agree on:
One communication channel for routine parenting matters.
Brief messages that address one issue at a time.
A reasonable response period.
A separate process for urgent matters.
A pause when a discussion becomes unproductive.
Where there is abuse, intimidation, coercive control or concern about safety, close collaboration or joint coaching may not be appropriate. Specialist guidance may be needed to identify safer arrangements.
Effective communication does not always mean more contact. It means finding an appropriate way to share the information and make the decisions your child needs.
Parent coaching after separation or divorce at The Counselling Place
You may know how you would like co-parenting to feel—calmer, clearer and more predictable—while finding it difficult to get there.
Parent coaching provides an opportunity to explore the conversations and arrangements that keep getting stuck, and work towards practical changes.
Paula Brunning is a counsellor and parenting coach at The Counselling Place. Her approach is warm, practical and solution-focused, supporting parents as they navigate changes in family life. Paula currently offers online sessions.
If you would like support with parenting after separation or divorce, book an appointment with The Counselling Place. If you are unsure where to begin or whether to attend individually or together, contact the team to discuss a suitable starting point.
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Common questions about co-parenting coaching
Do we have to be friends to co-parent?
No. The aim is to develop a workable parenting relationship focused on your child. Clear expectations, appropriate boundaries and respectful communication can help, even when the relationship remains difficult.
What if my co-parent does not want to attend?
Contact The Counselling Place to discuss an appropriate starting point. You can ask about support with your own parenting concerns, communication and boundaries, even if the other parent is not ready to participate.
Can parent coaching help us create a parenting plan?
Coaching can support discussions about routines, communication and everyday responsibilities. A lawyer should advise you on legal rights, court orders and whether proposed arrangements are legally enforceable.
Can parent coaching take place online?
Yes. Paula currently offers online sessions. Check the booking calendar for availability or contact The Counselling Place for help choosing an appointment.