by Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
My Partner Refuses Couples Counselling: What Can I Do If I’m the Only One Trying?
You've asked your partner to attend couples counselling, but they refuse. Does that mean you're stuck with the relationship as it is? Drawing on 28 years of counselling experience, Registered Psychologist Ho Shee Wai explains how working on your own responses can change relationship patterns, how to invite a reluctant partner into the process, and how to recognise the limits of what one person can achieve.
Over my 28 years of counselling work as a Registered Psychologist, one of the most frequent dilemmas I have encountered is a client wanting to work on their relationship but being unable to persuade their partner to attend counselling.
Sometimes the partner does not see a problem.
“We would be happy if you could just be happy.”
Others acknowledge that things are not going well but do not believe counselling will help. They may feel embarrassed about discussing private matters with a stranger, or be confident that they can resolve the difficulties themselves.
Whatever the reason, the person seeking help is left with what feels like an impossible choice: continue trying to improve the relationship alone or accept a status quo that they are increasingly unhappy with.
But are these really the only two options?
Can Counselling Help a Relationship If Only One Person Attends?
Yes. Individual counselling can help you work on relationship difficulties even when your partner refuses to attend. However, this does not mean that one person can single-handedly repair every relationship.
One way I approach relationship difficulties is through a systemic perspective.
In simple terms, a relationship is a system in which each person's behaviour affects the other. When one person changes how they respond, the familiar interaction between them may also change.
Consider a couple who repeatedly argue about household responsibilities.
One partner feels that they are carrying too much and repeatedly reminds the other to help. The other experiences these reminders as criticism, becomes defensive, and withdraws.
The first partner then feels even more unsupported and increases their demands. The second becomes increasingly resistant.
Over time, both become stuck in a familiar pattern.
If one partner begins responding differently, perhaps by expressing specific needs rather than repeatedly criticising or by establishing clearer agreements and boundaries, the interaction may change.
The other partner is no longer responding to precisely the same situation.
This does not guarantee that they will become more cooperative. However, it creates an opportunity for a different outcome.
You cannot control your partner's behaviour, but you do have some influence over how you participate in the relationship.
This is one of the areas where individual counselling can be useful.
Why Should I Go to Counselling When My Partner Is the Problem?
I often encounter the misconception that the person who is "wrong" should be the one attending counselling.
But counselling is not a punishment for bad behaviour, nor is it a competition to establish who is right.
My view is that the person who is dissatisfied with the current situation has a reason to seek help, even if the other person does not share that dissatisfaction.
This does not mean accepting responsibility for everything that is going wrong.
It means recognising that you do not have to wait for your partner to agree before you begin examining your options.
In individual counselling, we can explore questions such as:
What have you already tried, and why has it not worked?
What happens immediately before and after the disagreements you repeatedly experience?
How might your responses unintentionally contribute to maintaining the pattern?
What could you do differently without compromising your own needs or values?
What changes would you need to see from your partner?
What happens if your partner remains unwilling to change?
It is also important to remember that a psychologist hearing only one partner's account will not have a complete picture of the relationship. The work therefore involves examining different possible explanations rather than simply confirming that the absent partner is at fault.
The aim is to help you move from feeling stuck to having a clearer understanding of what you can do.
How Can I Encourage My Partner to Try Counselling?
There is no method that can guarantee your partner will agree to attend.
However, in my experience, there are several approaches worth considering.
1. Let Your Own Changes Speak for Themselves
One way of reducing your partner's resistance is through modelling.
If you begin individual counselling and develop more constructive ways of managing disagreements, your partner may notice.
Perhaps you become less reactive during difficult conversations. You express your needs more clearly, listen differently, or are better able to manage your frustrations.
These changes may make your partner curious about what you are doing differently.
They may begin to consider whether counselling could be helpful to them as well.
There is an important distinction here. I am not suggesting that you should become kinder, more patient or more accommodating simply to persuade your partner to attend counselling.
The changes you make should be meaningful and beneficial to you, regardless of whether your partner decides to participate.
In some relationships, changing how you respond may improve the interaction. In others, it may make you more aware of how little your partner is willing to contribute.
Both are useful information.
2. Invite Your Partner to Share Their Perspective
Sometimes a partner is reluctant to attend their own individual or couples counselling but is willing to come join your individual session to provide their perspective.
This can feel less threatening than being asked to commit to ongoing couples therapy.
You might say:
“I've been going to counselling because I'm unhappy with how things have been between us. I know my psychologist has only heard my perspective. Would you be willing to come to a session and share yours?”
This invitation serves a different purpose from asking your partner to attend because they are the problem.
You are acknowledging that they may understand the difficulties differently and that their perspective is important.
If they agree, the psychologist can discuss what would be appropriate, the purpose of their participation, and how confidentiality and professional boundaries would be managed.
The important part is that your partner has an opportunity to participate without feeling that a decision about who is right has already been made.
3. Explain How Serious the Situation Has Become
Sometimes a partner refuses counselling because they genuinely do not understand how unhappy the other person has become.
A familiar response is:
“I thought we were fine. We don't even argue that much.”
The absence of frequent arguments does not necessarily mean that both people are satisfied with the relationship.
One partner may have stopped raising concerns because previous conversations went nowhere. What looks like peace to one person may feel like resignation to the other.
If the situation has become serious enough that you are questioning whether you can continue in the relationship, your partner needs to understand that.
Instead of repeatedly saying, "We need counselling," you might explain:
“I am unhappy with how our relationship has been for some time. I've tried to talk about it, but I don't think we've made much progress. I want us to work on this together because I don't know if I can continue indefinitely with things as they are.”
This is not about threatening separation to force your partner into counselling.
It is about being honest about the seriousness of the situation and what you need from the relationship.
A boundary should reflect something you genuinely mean and are prepared to act on, rather than an ultimatum intended to produce compliance.
What If My Partner Still Refuses to Change?
This is where we need to distinguish between influencing a relationship and taking responsibility for the entire relationship.
When you change your behaviour, the relationship dynamic may change. But the other person still has choices.
You can learn to communicate without attacking, but you cannot make your partner listen.
You can express your needs more clearly, but you cannot make your partner consider them.
You can stop participating in unproductive arguments, but you cannot make your partner take responsibility for their own behaviour.
And you can invite your partner to counselling, but you cannot make them genuinely participate in the process.
There is a limit to what one person can achieve.
If your partner continues to refuse counselling, I would encourage you to look beyond whether they attend sessions.
Are they willing to discuss the difficulties? Do they acknowledge that you are unhappy? Are they prepared to try something different? Do their actions show meaningful effort?
Refusing counselling is not necessarily the same as refusing to work on a relationship.
Some people may be unwilling to see a psychologist but prepared to make meaningful changes in other ways. In this case, you can read books, listen to podcast, or watch movie related to relationship to stimulate appropriate discussion.
Others may agree to attend counselling yet have little interest in changing anything. In this case, counselling attendance is just them ticking the box to “prove” that they already met your requirement.
What matters is not simply whether your partner enters the counselling room, but whether there is a genuine willingness to address the difficulties between you.
Does This Mean I Have to Do All the Work?
No.
Individual counselling should not become an exercise in teaching you to tolerate an increasingly unsatisfactory relationship.
Nor should a systemic perspective be used to suggest that if you simply communicate better, remain patient enough or change yourself sufficiently, your partner's behaviour will improve.
That would place an unreasonable burden on one person.
The purpose of understanding relationship patterns is to identify where change is possible and where responsibility belongs.
There may be areas where you recognise that your own responses have contributed to difficulties. There may also be areas where your partner needs to take responsibility.
Both can be true.
And where a relationship involves intimidation, coercive control, threats or abuse, the priority is your safety. Attempting to change the interaction or persuade the other person to attend joint counselling may not be appropriate. Individual professional counselling support can help you consider safer options.
How Do I Know Whether to Keep Trying or Walk Away?
There is no universal answer to how long someone should continue trying.
However, I would encourage you to consider the difference between a relationship that is difficult but changing, and one where you are repeatedly investing effort without meaningful movement.
Ask yourself:
Have I clearly explained what I am unhappy about?
Have I given my partner a reasonable opportunity to understand and respond?
Have I examined what I can change in my own behaviour?
Is my partner making any effort, even if they do not want counselling?
Are the changes sustained, or do things repeatedly return to the same pattern?
What would I need to see to feel that continuing the relationship is worthwhile?
You do not necessarily have to decide immediately whether to stay or leave.
But you also do not have to remain indefinitely in the same situation simply because your partner is unwilling to seek help.
If you are questioning the future of your relationship, you may find my earlier article, To Stay or Go? How Counselling Can Help You Make the Tough Decision in Your Relationship, useful.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can I go to couples counselling alone?
You can attend individual counselling to work on relationship difficulties even if your partner refuses to attend. However, this is not the same as joint couples counselling, where both partners participate in exploring their relationship.
Can individual counselling save my marriage?
It may help you change unproductive patterns, communicate differently and make informed decisions about your relationship. Some partners respond positively to these changes. However, individual counselling cannot guarantee that your spouse will change or that the marriage will be saved.
What if my husband or wife says I'm the one who needs counselling?
You can choose to seek counselling without accepting that you are solely responsible for the relationship problems. Counselling can help you examine the situation, understand your own contribution and determine what you need from your partner.
Should I give my partner an ultimatum about counselling?
I would distinguish an ultimatum intended to force compliance from an honest statement about your limits. If you are no longer willing to continue in the relationship without meaningful change, it is important to communicate that clearly. Counselling attendance itself should not be the only measure of commitment.
What if my partner agrees to one session but refuses to continue?
Explore what they found difficult and whether they are willing to address the relationship concerns in another way. One session does not necessarily determine the value of counselling, but genuine participation cannot be forced.
You Don't Have to Wait for Your Partner to Begin
You may have asked your partner to come to counselling many times without success.
You may also have spent a long time trying to find the right words, the right moment or the right argument that will finally convince them.
Perhaps the more useful question is no longer, "How do I make my partner come?"
It may be:
"Given that my partner is not ready or willing, what can I do about the situation I am in?"
You may not be able to change your partner's mind about counselling. But you can begin understanding your relationship differently, change patterns that are within your control, and decide what you need to move forward.
At The Counselling Place, you can begin with individual counselling even if your partner is not ready to participate. If both partners later wish to work together, you can explore our couples counselling services in Singapore.
You do not need your partner's agreement to take your first step.