Help? My Child has Depression!
By Ho Shee Wai
Clinical Director / Registered Psychologist
As parents, we devoted our whole life to ensure our child(ren) are safe and well. Therefore, it comes as a shock for the parents to discover that our kids or teens are depressed! Many questions will run through our mind: Was it something I’ve done? Why are my kids depressed when they have everything? This is a phase they are going through, right? Maybe they are attention seeking? How can I know when it’s serious? How can I keep them safe? What can I do? Should I send my child to a counsellor, psychologist, or therapist? How can the counsellor, psychologist, or therapist help them / me / us?
What is depression?
What is depression and how is it different from teenage angst? There are ways to differentiate between normal teenage moodiness vs depression. But in short, clinical depression is defined by:
Pervasive low mood
Frequent crying spells
Change in appetite, weight, and sleeping pattern
Decrease motivation and interest
Reduction in ability to focus and concentrate
Thoughts of suicide or self-harm
In children and teenagers, more subtle behavioural changes can indicate depression:
Behavioral problems at school or at home
Academic problems
Lack of interest in fun activities
Low energy levels or general tiredness
Mood changes, such as irritability
Self-isolation
Does depression affect children?
Depression can affect people of any age, including children as young as 9 years old. However, depression is most common amongst older children 12 years old and 17 years old.
What caused depression?
There are many factors that contribute to depression and often not a single cause:
Biology – hormonal & chemical changes during teens is often a precipitating factor.
Genetic – Research has shown 40-50% of depression are link to heredity. If you or your partner’s family has anxiety and depression, it’s more likely for your child to have depression.
Family stress – Family problems is often cited by teens as the primary stressors. Parental conflicts even if the parents think is hidden from the kid is often picked up by the teen.
Academic stress – Sometimes teens do not have the skills to cope with school. Even if the child had been doing well in school previously, they may find themselves not able to keep up with the requirement or demands of the higher level, especially if the academic structure is different (e.g., transiting to university etc.).
Social stress – There can be possible social situation (e.g., bullying, friendship issues, peer pressure, etc.) that is especially important to the teens during this developmental stage where they placed more emphasis on friends.
Relationship stress – This is often the time teens experiment with romance and relationship. If the family has strong stance against it, teens will tend to not share challenges they face.
Trauma & abuse – if there is some trauma and abuse, often time the teens will be processing it differently during teenage years even if it had happened when they were younger.
What parents can do to help with depression?
When you find out that your child/ teen is depressed, here are some steps you need to take:
1. Safety
The first step is to check that your child/ teen is safe. If they have made any suicidal/ self-harm attempt, get them medical help first. Nurture the wound, share that it saddens you that they are hurt, empathize that they must be going through so much pain to take such actions.
2. Enquire
Regardless whether they have taken any active actions, enquire whether they have any thoughts or plans to harm themselves. Some parents are worried that if they ask the questions, they will give their kids the wrong idea. Research has shown that about 30% of youth have suicidal ideation and this is true even for teenagers who are not depressed (In Singapore, 18% of youth have depression). Therefore, asking the questions help them to open up and share what is going on with them.
3. Reassure
Help your child know that they don’t have to journey through this alone, that you are there to support them. Be careful to balance between providing support (and reassurance to yourself) vs your teen’s need for space. Let them know you are willing to hear them out without judgment or reaction.
4. Arrange
Depression is debilitating. Frequently parents are frustrated that the adolescent is not willing to take actions to improve their mood. Help your child bridge the difficulties of even the simple steps, encourage (rather than nag) them and do some steps with them (e.g., “let’s talk a walk together after dinner”). This applies to arranging counselling session with a counsellor, psychologist, or therapist for your adolescent to receive professional help.
5. Educate
Learn about depression and understand what is depressive behaviours vs not. Do what is helpful for supporting your child with depression. Some helpful resources include: I have a Black Dog, his name is Depression or Living with a Black Dog.
Do’s & Don’ts when supporting your child with depression
Some do’s and don’ts for you to take note:
Do’s
Get other people involved. You can’t support this child alone. Get your partner, respected adults, well-trusted friends to help support the child. Get your child’s permission regarding sharing with that person to respect their privacy. If there is no one else in your life that you feel you can trust with this situation, get professional help from a counsellor, psychologist, or a therapist for yourself.
Ask what your child need. Different people experience support differently. For some, 24/7 accompaniment is well appreciated to not feel alone with their scary thoughts and emotions; for others, 24/7 feels like surveillance and jailtime. The best expert is your kid. If they say “I don’t know”, make a suggestion to try together “why don’t I sit quietly over there while you go about your day and see how you feel”.
Take all threats seriously. When your child indicates having suicidal thoughts or threaten to harm themselves. Take it seriously, keep them safe, and seek professional help immediately.
Don’ts
Scold, nag, or guilt-trip. Understand the depression is a mental disorder, it’s not a choice your child is making. Reprimanding, nagging, telling them to look at all the wonderful things they have in their life does not help your child “get out” of depression.
Problem-solve. More than problem solving, your child need empathy, validation, acknowledgment of the challenges they are facing alone.
Give up. Your adolescent may not be receptive to your help, suggestions, and support initially. Accept their refusal and rejection calmly, let them know you’d be there for them regardless, that they can come to you any time.
To receive professional support for your child and/or yourself, book an appointment with The Counselling Place counsellor, psychologist, or therapist.