Closing Generation Gaps & How Family Therapy Can Help
by Ho Shee Wai
Director/Registered Psychologist
Closing Generation Gaps & How Family Therapy Can Help
Are you the sandwich generation that is stuck in between your parents and your children? Find out how to close the generation gaps with the help of a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist in order to enjoy the family life that you’ve always imagined.
What is Generation Gap?
Having multi-generation family under the same roof is a dream many people have. However, bridging the different generation’s needs is not something easily done. “Generation gap” is a term coined by anthropologist Margaret Mead that relates to the differentiation of values, attitudes or behaviors between members of an older and younger generation. Studies in social psychology reveal that, left unchecked, generation gap can bring about an increase in ambiguity and discord in the family.
The Problem
The Problems from the Elderly’s Perspective
Some of the most common issues faced by elderly folks at home, with regards to their kids and grandkids are loneliness, lack of sense of purpose, relevance or importance, being disregarded, etc. While the elderly are trying to still contribute and assert their role in the family, others are not necessarily accepting of that. The different generations may be operating under different perspectives, information, beliefs, and values. For some, the family had also changed the main language of communication so there might also be language barriers.
The Problems from the Grandchildren’s Perspective
Some of the common issues faced by the grandchildren is they feel the grandparents are strange and they are trying to control what they are doing. They feel the grandparents are not understanding of what the newest trend or hip things that they are into. They may also feel the wisdom that the grandparents are trying to impart are outdated or irrelevant.
The Problems from the Sandwich Generation’s Perspective
Being caught in between you probably feel the pressure from both groups and wished that they could just get along. You are also probably frustrated as sometimes you understand the situation from one group more than the other group.
The Solution
How to Close Generation Gap?
Some ways parents can teach or encourage their children to bond and communicate better with their elderly family members is by teaching the children to communicate in the language of the elderly family members, make it into something fun rather than a chore; Creating opportunities for the children to see and understand that the elderly family members care for them (e.g. Pointing out, “look grandpa walk a long way to buy this pencil case for you”); Guiding the children to show affection to the elderly (e.g., “Go kiss grandma good night”); Helping direct the elderly to engage in activities the children enjoy (e.g., “Dad why don’t you read with her before she sleeps”); or Correcting any disrespectful behaviours from the children.
In the parents’ own actions, ensure that they are speaking to the elderly in a respectful manner, show caring actions to the elderly, enquiring the elderly about their day, seeking the elderly’s advice on things, and spending time with the elderly themselves.
Incorporate routines that involves the elderly (e.g., dinner time will start with grandpa saying grace, Grandma is the one who gives sweet as reward for good behaviours, great aunt will take you to school). Research have indicated the importance of engaging families to form functional family rituals. Get the elderly to participate in what the children are doing and vice versa (e.g., Mom why don’t you keep score of how many time Junior skip rope; Junior why don’t you help Grandma in the garden and help her put in the seed).
On the other hand, the elderly needs to show interest and try to keep up with the times and be in tune of what the grandkids are interested in (e.g., know the latest fad in cartoon, music, game and gadget). Engage the children in things the elderly are good at (e.g., show them ancient games, teach them interesting skills or tricks). Ask questions and play with them interactively (instead of just expecting them to come hug and kiss them to fulfill the elderly’s needs).
Family therapy
Benefits of family therapy
Sometimes it is helpful to get the whole family together and work things out with a professional family therapist. This is a psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist who is trained in working with family dynamics. Usually, the family therapy session starts with the psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist asking each person in the family to describe what they see as the problem(s) in the family. The psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist will then facilitate the sharing of different perspectives on the same issues and help everyone get to a common understanding and feel empathy for one another. The psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist will then ask the family to come to some agreed rules or behaviors for everyone to adhere to with the goal of building cohesion and harmony in the family. Family therapy focuses on your family's problem-solving skills, boundaries, and communication habits to build healthier interactions.
How to get everyone on board with family therapy?
“OK, I’m on board” you say, but “How do I get everyone to go to family therapy?” When asking your family members to participate in family therapy, it’s important to be sensitive and mindful of how they might respond because it’s a big step. The reaction may not always be positive. Explain that some of the things that is happening at home are negatively impacting everyone. Avoid using family therapy as a form of punishment and using put-downs to get someone to join. You are suggesting family therapy because you are seeking a way for everyone to connect in a more positive way.
Even if you could get everyone to come, get whoever you can to come. Your psychologist, counsellor, or psychotherapist will then be able to work with the willing parties and eventually may extend their work to the reluctant family members, especially if the family members can see the positive change from those who participated in the family therapy.
If you are at a loss of how to start the process, you may seek guidance individually first from your psychologist, counsellor, or psychologist.