By Ho Shee Wai Director/Registered Psychologist Couple relationships are challenging already in itself. Adding cross-cultural issues to the mix takes it to another level. What are some of concerns these cross-cultural couple face? Are there way out from these? Can counselling help? |
Miscommunication
Even if the couple are equally strong (or weak) in their common language, the usage of these languages can be different coming from different cultures. These can lead to many misunderstandings. For example, for 1 person in the couple “It’s ok” means No, whereas for another person in the couple “It’s ok” means Yes. This can lead to fight where 1 person feels the other is not fulfilling their promises or the other person feeling their partner is forcing them into something they already objected to. Learning to understand what the other person means is a skills that couple can pick up in therapy. I remember another couple having a huge fight where 1 person insisted on the correct use for parking is “Parking Structure” and the other insisted the right term is “Parking Lot”. Both are right of course, which is something very hard for couples to wrap their head around.
For some culture, being assertive is valued. Therefore, regardless of the speaker’s personality (extrovert or introvert), there is pressure to speak up which can come across as argumentative or opinionated. For other culture, being passive and indirect is valued. Hence, not giving a direct answer nor speaking their mind is the habit, which may lead to questions about the honesty or integrity of the person.
Meaning Making
The Singaporeans’ ritual of going to the parents for every weekend (and sitting for hours doing their own thing on the phone with occasional conversation) may be a culture shock to their partner whose culture does not include such regular visits nor wasting time on these non-interactions. Couples can fight over who should eat first as a sign of respect whereas the other partner is focused on efficiency (whoever has the dish in front of them should just start). We also encounter couples fighting over how to handle fever, where one culture advocates cold treatment to bring the temperature down and another advocates hot treatment to sweat the fever out. Some culture may emphasize different roles for different gender which can be baffling for those whose culture emphasizes equal division of labour. For some women they may expect some romantic gestures from their partner on Valentines day when for other culture Feb 15 is “White Day” where the woman is supposed to indicated their interest with gift of chocolate, and for other culture “Valentines day” is on 7th of 7th month or 15th of 8th month.
What your therapist, counsellor, or psychologist can do in counselling during these circumstances is to help facilitate an open discussion, manage both’s expectations, and help the couple come to an agreement or compromise on these differences.
Struggles With Families
Loss Of Identities
What your therapist, counsellor, or psychologist will do is to go back to the beginning and look at who you were, who are you know and who you’d like to be. This can be done in an individual counselling session or as part of a collaborative effort in the couple or marital counselling session.
To conclude, to be successful in a cross-cultural relationship, couples need to learn to step outside of their cultural norms to see each other with greater clarity and learn new communication skills, breaking through language barriers. All these can be easily done within the safe space in a counselling setting with a trained therapist, counsellor, or psychologist.