Patricia* come home early one day and was shocked to find that her husband, Larry*, cheating on her with their helper. She feels betrayed, angry, and confused. She fired the helper and the couple began couple therapy.
*Not their real name
*Not their real name
The hardest part for the wife came from the fact that the affair is happening right under her nose and in her own home (which is mean to be her territory and safe haven). It led to her questioning why she didn’t notice or know. There is some level of trust and reliance the family has to have for the helper to be in the home (to take care of their home, to not rob them, to not harm their kids, to not to take their husband) and violation of that trust is very significant. There is also a level comparison that the wife have in terms of the beliefs of being “better” than the helper and the fact that the husband cheated with the helper was insulting for her.
Research had shown the “proximity” is a factor for attraction. People are attracted to people living near them. You can’t get any nearer than your home. “Living together” also led to a sense of familiarity and the time spent together also created a closeness. It is less about the “look” but more about being different. Often time the man who is cheating with the helper is attracted to something that he values that is different from the wife.
For some men, the availability is a temptation that arose out of greed, the inability to turn down or say No to what is there. There are also some men who develop feelings of sympathy or protection due to stories of the helper’s poor background, tough life and current challenges. They took on the role of “rescuer”.
Some Signs to look out for in Husband
Some Signs to look out for in Helper
The most important signs to look for are in the marital relationship. As with other types of affairs, there is an emotional and physical distancing between the married couple. Therefore, putting your finger on the pulse of your marital relationship and keeping tab of that is the best guide.
Research had shown the “proximity” is a factor for attraction. People are attracted to people living near them. You can’t get any nearer than your home. “Living together” also led to a sense of familiarity and the time spent together also created a closeness. It is less about the “look” but more about being different. Often time the man who is cheating with the helper is attracted to something that he values that is different from the wife.
For some men, the availability is a temptation that arose out of greed, the inability to turn down or say No to what is there. There are also some men who develop feelings of sympathy or protection due to stories of the helper’s poor background, tough life and current challenges. They took on the role of “rescuer”.
Some Signs to look out for in Husband
- Sudden and drastic makeover (wardrobe changes, his grooming, his body, personal hygiene)
- Change in how he relates to you: Either he is suddenly very affectionate and caring (for no
- apparent reason) or he is extremely distant, avoiding contact and not communicating
- Changes in the frequency or the quality of your sex life may be warning signs of an affair
- Increase time spent with the helper (e.g. taking the kids to the movie with her, going to grocery
- shopping with her)
- Defend, protect, and excuse the helper when you raise an issue with regards to the maid
Some Signs to look out for in Helper
- Sudden and drastic makeover (wardrobe changes, her grooming, body, personal hygiene)
- Change in attitude (feeling more entitled, being less respectful to you, less diligent at work)
- Overfamiliar or friendly interactions with your husband
The most important signs to look for are in the marital relationship. As with other types of affairs, there is an emotional and physical distancing between the married couple. Therefore, putting your finger on the pulse of your marital relationship and keeping tab of that is the best guide.
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