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 Patricia* come home early one day and was shocked to find that her husband, Larry*, cheating on her with their helper. She feels betrayed, angry, and confused. She fired the helper and the couple began couple therapy.
*Not their real name  Sex is important in a marriage as it is an expression of the intimacy of the relationship - you cannot get any closer physically to another person. Good sex is very much interrelated with intimate trust, friendship, and conversations that create emotional connection. Evidence is very clear that if people feel good about sex, they feel good about their relationship in general. Research has shown that in marriage, sexual satisfaction is related to relationship satisfaction, stability and love commitment. When sex is non-existent, it has a significant impact on the relationship.
 Julia* and Tom* are having a secret war over money. Tom is angry with Julia because no matter how much he earned, she spent it all. Every month, not only do they not have any saving, she managed to rake up even more credit card debts. Tom has no idea where the money went or how he is ever going to be able to pay off the debts. Coming from a family where the man is expected to be the breadwinner and provider, Tom decided it was his responsibility to provide for all of Julia’s “needs”. His solution for the situation is to work harder to provide but he is getting very resentful that Julia has so much needs. Julia, on the other hand, felt neglected and ignored by Tom and decided that she needs to spend to make herself feel good. This is a habit she learnt from her mother. Julia also noticed that Tom is working a lot and decided that since money is the most important thing for Tom, she’ll hit him where it hurts so maybe he would sit up and pay attention to her.
*Not their real name  After the initial stage of dating, finding time to be together is a huge challenge for many couples. This is especially so for those who have the additional demands of children or demanding jobs. However, couple time together is important for the relationship to remain strong, and the closeness and intimacy to continue. So how can we have time for each other given the busy lives we have? Here are some suggestions in terms of ritual we can put in place in our lives as a couple:
 “For better or worse, through sickness and in health, till death do us part.” Extra-marital affair, without a doubt, would be categorized under the “worse” part in the marital vow. Its damaging effects are due to the fact that it shakes the very foundations of the relationship: Trust and Commitment. The discovery of an affair in a marriage often leads to a crisis full of emotional struggles for all parties involved. Eventually, should a couple decide to continue their marriage, some of the questions that would surface are “Where do we go from here?”, “Will things ever get back to normal?”, etc.
Whether a marriage would survive an affair is dependent on the strength of the couple’s emotional bond, as well as the efforts both put in the recovery process. The tasks facing the couple are two: rebuilding the marriage and personal healing. Here are some tips on rebuilding a marriage after an affair:  Many of us enter into marriage with this fog of love, passion, and dream. One day we wake up from this fog and start wondering where did our love go? This is often a crisis point for some individuals, and in turn their marriages, where doubts and despair start setting in. The fears that grip them are “Am I able to stay married if I don’t feel love?” and “Must I remain unhappy forever?”
Hollywood movies and romantic novels are culprits in contributing to this crisis, where all these love stories depict the hero/prince and the heroine/princess getting married and hence live “happily ever after”, communicating that just feeling “in-love” is enough to conquer all. What they fail to show is what happens afterward where reality, routine, chores, mundane day-to-day tasks, and other people’s (in-law, children) presence set in. |
AuthorMs Ho Shee Wai Archives
April 2017
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